Pursuit of Happyness

My boys and I watched the Pursuit of Happyness together.    I was impressed that they were remotely interested in watching it, but they did.  With rapt attention.  We were all disturbed by the sleeping in the bathroom moment and the sleeping on the bus moment...the shelters...the hardship this father and son had to endure.  But it was a great moment for us to talk about life.

Not everyone has a bed to call their own.

My boys have three beds...one at my house, one at their dad's and one at their grandparents.  They are so well loved by so many people.  I am thankful for that.

I often wonder how the effects of the divorce will show up in their lives.  Will they be quicker to forgive?  Slower to trust?  Will they be fiercely protective of what's theirs?  Will they love me harder and with a devotion and responsibility that other kids whose moms are married don't feel?  Will they know what it means to sacrifice?  Be good at saying goodbye?  Will they cling to loved ones or push them away?

Our puppy has brought to light quite a few traits in my boys.  I have discovered that Brady is fiercely protective of not only his brother, but others he loves.  Graham's responsibility of caring for someone is surfacing.  They now wake with a sense of purpose and direction.  And go to bed smiling with this newfound love.

Sadie is a delightful addition to our little family.  We are all smitten and drunk with the happiness that comes with new relationships.We find ourselves caring less and less about our electronics and more and more about being outside and swinging.  We can sit for hours and watch Sadie play.  I had an idea that she would lessen our loneliness, but not to this degree.

I'm not a die hard pet person.  Those who knew me when I acquired Bubba through my marriage can attest to this.  I don't immediately seek out dogs or cats.  I was raised in the country where pets stayed outside and certainly never slept on your bed.  I am a clean freak and never quite understood the allure.  Even when I got my first dog after my first marriage, I was still detached.  I had to choose her companionship over that of a man quickly after getting her, and I chose the latter.  She was a short-lived addition to my life.

But Sadie has come at a time when I desperately needed to care for someone in the absence of my boys.  She alleviates sadness, feelings of being lost, despair.  This little ball of fluffy, blonde fur has re-energized this momma.

I discovered recently that I had no hobbies aside from dating.  I was addicted to dating.  I used it to fill my time, take away my loneliness, make me feel loved and significant.  Men were a tool for my insatiable appetite to feel wanted.

Upon making this discovery during a conversation with one of the contenders, I have since stopped dating completely.

While my boys are away, sleeping in one of their many beds, I will be home with my dog.  Drinking coffee.  Working.  Swimming laps.  Lifting weights.  Drinking wine with friends.  Writing.  Reading.  Painting.  Binging on Netflix.  Playing the piano.

It's time for this momma to pursue happyness.  Sans men.

Scattered Pieces

The rain falls.  Solemnly making its way to the ground.  It parallels my mood.

My home no longer feels like home.  The streets that I've known for years now ache with an alien quality they didn't used to possess.  The places I frequent reek of unfamiliarity and strangeness.

I feel lost.

My sweet friend called to check on me and left me with these wise words...I now have to find another anchor.

My parents have been my anchor for years.  Unbeknownst to me, the weight of who I was depended on where they were.  I had purpose and meaning.  I never questioned what my holidays would look like because it would be with them.  My days were filled with small conversations about daily life that confirmed I was loved and cared for.  You could find me most mornings at their breakfast table.  My singleness was softened by their presence in my life.  My boys' lives were fuller.  The trauma of the divorce was lessened.

My boys and I had our first official dinner at our new kitchen table.  Just the three of us.  In that moment, I realized that we were it.  This small gathering of three people was the family we now had left.

My life is not at all the way I pictured it when I was younger.  I imagined growing old with the same person.  I imagined a house full of love, activity, loving arguments, messes, food, board games, books.  I imagined having a constant partner in crime who knew me intimately and loved me intensely.  I imagined being known.  And loved in spite of.

Now life seems like a never ending audition for intimacy.  First dates run rampant, myself revealed in small portions, scattered in multiple directions.  Fragments of who I am that make a complete picture if put all together.

But no one person holds all the pieces.

One of my favorite movies is "Split" by M. Night Shyamalan.  The movie is about a man who has split personalities.  One of his personalities is a beast.

The Beast: We are glorious! We will no longer be afraid. Only through pain can you achieve your greatness! The impure are the untouched, the unburned, the unslain. Those who have not been torn have no value in themselves and no place in this world! They are asleep! 

... The broken are the more evolved...

If pain is the catalyst that spurs you to greatness, surely there is something great in store for me.  Me and all my broken, scattered pieces.  Now without an anchor.