I looked at the clock. 5:18 a.m.
I wrapped myself in my Game of Thrones robe and grabbed my phone. Once I safely padded to the kitchen without killing myself or waking my children in the dark, I looked at my phone.
4:19 a.m.
Big sigh. Time change is not my friend. I padded back to my bedroom, de-robed and crawled back into bed.
"Get up, Rebekah. Silence doesn't always visit."
After wrestling with myself for a few minutes, Healthy Rebekah won. She was surprised by this. She doesn't win often.
Healthy and Disagreeable Rebekah padded back to the kitchen and turned the kettle on. After the the two girls made their peace, I sat down to write.
I have been failing as a mother lately. I spoke these same words to my son one night recently, except the insult was aimed at him. I actually told my son that he kept failing. He had missed a homework assignment and my anxiety would not stay silent. I immediately held him on my lap and apologized. "I'm so sorry, honey. That was a terrible thing to say. You are wonderful. I'm the one who keeps failing."
The weight of my plight as a single mother had firmly sat on my shoulders and forced me to feel it. After days of me being taut with stress, my brain was tired of the battle and laid down his armor. I'm an expert at avoiding feelings. I am an Enneagram Type 8, Self-Preserving Subtype. I act, then think, then feel. You would think with all the knowledge that I have about myself, I'd be more aware of my innate ability to ignore feelings. But I'm just not. I stuff those things right down and pick up a Swiffer. Daily. (Except for anger...I have that down pat.)
"Because it doesn't f***ing matter! Nothing will change!" My feelings decided to surface in a phone call with my friend in response to her asking why I didn't talk to her when she knew I wasn't OK.
Fear, Loneliness, Hopelessness, Worry, Anger (my old pal), Sadness...all feelings I unsuccessfully tried to mask in that phone call.
She got it. She's a single mom.
I get tired of using that excuse. I compare myself to my mom and other moms constantly. Most of them, however, are still married to their baby daddy.
So let me just go ahead and use that excuse. I'm a single mom.
It blankets every area of my life. I have to be aware of every penny that I spend. I have to have a large resource of energy. I have to be physically and mentally sharp. I cannot fail. I work eight hours a day scrubbing toilets and dusting blinds. My physical body cannot fail. I make doctor's appointments, calls to teachers, calls to bill collectors, calls to clients on my earphones while I mop. My life is a flurry of activity. I use my going out money to buy school uniforms. I use my savings to buy them shoes. (Every. Three. Months. Homeboys will not stop growing.) I have a special calendar for them, filled with due dates, test dates, appointments, and of course their visitation with dad.
Co-parenting with someone who is hostile towards you is not fun. Sometimes I wish I had stayed in my marriage just to save me from this nightmare. Please, Tiny Baby Jesus, help my head not to explode.
I have recently been doing the "Let it Be" meditation. This requires no action on my part. It isn't the "Letting Go" meditation, which is action oriented. This is just leaving things as they are.
And for a doer...this is quite the challenge.
I have recently discovered, in my failed attempt yet again at romance, that a romantic companion does little to ease the angst of single motherhood. If anything, it adds a layer of even more difficult things to balance...your time becomes a commodity. Something that you have to bargain with and sacrifice. Planning becomes essential. I'm not a planner. Rebekah the Planner is not my gig. Those words don't even sound good together. Emotions start peeking out from their hiding place. It's altogether a precarious event.
Opening your heart just enough for someone to sneak a toe in is treacherous. There are many pitfalls to this. And if you miss a beat, you fall in the swamp. With the alligators. And snakes. And insects that look strange. It's quite the risk.
Failure is almost inevitable.
As is true for most of us, I carry a deep sadness in my soul. One that has no sick or vacation days. It's always at work. Equipped and ready to ride along with me. Every. Damn. Day. 24/7.
The beauty of being an Enneagram 8 is that I typically believe emotions are a waste of time. With the help of my Type 2 friends, however, I am trying to give them the air time they deserve. They carry a secret to your soul that only they know. And ignoring their wisdom just prolongs the pain.
So when they surfaced yesterday, I just let them have the day. I didn't stop crying. I took my son to the doctor with puffy eyes and carried on an adult conversation about his health. I went to the grocery store and checked out while the cashier eyed me curiously. I cleaned two houses and talked to clients in a professional manner while they were left to wonder if my eyes were always that red and they just never noticed. I helped my son with his homework and cried. I made dinner and cried. I tucked them into bed and cried. I put away laundry and cried. I did the dishes and cried. I made myself just FEEL all the feelings. And hated every minute of it.
But my brain needed the information that only my emotions could unlock. So I let those suckers run amuck.
And the secret they revealed was this...my fear of being weak has dominated my life. As a result, I have closed more doors than I should have.
Disagreeable Rebekah has had the first part of my life. It's time for Healthy Rebekah to take over. But we'll see who wins that battle.
Sleeping at Last
Eight
https://youtu.be/K99i5GF65to
I remember the minute
It was like a switch was flipped
I was just a kid who grew up strong enough
To pick this armor up
And suddenly it fit
God, that was so long ago, long ago, long ago
I was little, I was weak, perfectly naive
And I grew up too quick
Now you won’t see all that I have to lose
And all I've lost in the fight to protect it
I won’t let you in, I swore never again
I can't afford, no, I refuse to be rejected
I want to break these bones 'til they're better
I want to break them right and feel alive
You were wrong, you were wrong, you were wrong
My healing needed more than time
When I see fragile things, helpless things, broken things
I see the familiar
I was little, I was weak, I was perfect too
Now I’m a broken mirror
But I can't let you see all that I have to lose
All I’ve lost in the fight to protect it
I can't let you in, I swore never again
I can't afford to let myself be blindsided
I'm standing guard, I'm falling apart
And all I want is to trust you
Show me how to lay my sword down
For long enough to let you through
Here I am, pry me open
What do you want to know?
I’m just a kid who grew up scared enough
To hold the door shut
And bury my innocence
But here's a map, here's a shovel
Here’s my Achilles' heel
I’m all in, palms out, I’m at your mercy now and I'm ready to begin
I am strong, I am strong, I am strong enough to let you in
I’ll shake the ground with all my might
I will pull my whole heart up to the surface
For the innocent, for the vulnerable
I'll show up on the front lines with a purpose
And I’ll give all I have, i'll give my blood, I'll give my sweat
An ocean of tears will spill for what is broken
I’m shattered porcelain, glued back together again
Invincible like I've never been