I keep a daily journal of things I'm thankful for, and my running list of ten goals. Rachel Hollis said this is supposed to re-focus you and bring you closer to your goals everyday, so I obeyed and bought her $30 journal. The interesting thing about journaling daily things that you're thankful for, is that eventually seemingly negative items end up on it. I journaled the other day that I was thankful for ex-boyfriends. I have learned a lot from my failed relationships.
I googled one of them out of curiosity and landed on his memorial page. Bobby was 39 when he passed and left a wife and four kids behind. He was one of the most amazing humans I have ever had the pleasure of knowing. He loved people. Intensely. He loved them because he loved God. He was kind and thoughtful. He was comfortable in his own skin. He never felt embarrassed by who he was...and sometimes who he was was embarrassing...to me, a 23 yr. old girl who was very UN-OK in her own skin. He had this crazy red hair and a man bun. He wore pants from Thailand that were baggy and tied around his waste. He was always smiling this mischievous smile. He was gentle and forgiving with me. I was a complete disaster at that age, yet he loved me so well I felt almost whole.
As an 8 on the Enneagram, I act first when something happens. So after discovering his death I immediately called my sister, who also knew Bobby. We talked about it and I shared memories because my next response is to think. My last response is always to feel. It didn't hit me until hours later...the tears finally found their way down my cheeks.
Life happens in these small moments. It was a very small act that I conducted..googling an ex... that triggered years of memories. I thought about every boyfriend I had ever had. Those that I loved and those that I didn't. Those that were there for seasons and those that hung on through many seasons. I thought about all the things I learned from them...the good, the bad, the confirmed ugly.
When we learn to start paying attention to our body's responses to events, we learn to embrace the beauty and simplicity of life...and hopefully learn to be grateful. My tears over Bobby's death meant something. It wasn't as easy to label as grief because I hadn't known him for years. So I walked myself through the feelings...a highly uncomfortable thing for this feeling repressed feeling woman to do. And at the root of it was fear...the fear that I missed out on what could have been an incredible life.
Pause for dramatic effect. Because my life is pretty incredible.
Our brains are amazingly subtle in their messages. They have learned to protect us so well that they take cues from small fears and wreak havoc. This one small fear could have gotten out of control. It could have destroyed all that I was thankful for presently. It could have eaten away the memories of other men, the beauty of the heartaches, the impossibility of knowing. It could have taken away from me my gratitude.
And without gratitude, we are doomed to live a sub-par life.
So my girl Rach, thank you for the $30 journal. I wonder what seemingly negative thing I will find to be thankful for today.
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