Pain - Storm or Sunshine?

The wind blew around me.  My body was sore from sitting on the dirt road.  The sun enveloped me in what should have been a welcome embrace.  But my mood didn't match the weather.  It should have been storming.

I let the tears fall.  I let my body respond without reserve.  I was racked with sobs and something resembling hiccups.  I got in my car to drive, to hide from my happy family.  I had to pull over because the road was blurry and treacherous in my state.  My broken heart no longer sat silent.

This.  This is what so many avoid.  This is what alcohol covers up and food silences.  This painful emotion that the world runs from.

It will eventually find you.

When I was in trauma counseling after the near death of my son, one of the exercises was to experience the trauma in your "safe place".  The idea is to allow your brain to unlock the hidden pain in the place where you are free from hindrances and fear.  A place where you can be fully yourself and fully accepted.  My safe place has always been my parents' living room.  Regardless of what house they are in, country or city, this is where I feel most safe.

During this quarantine, I have been in my safe place.  For 5+ weeks, I have let my soul rest and heal.  The deep anxiety that I have with me so heavily in New Orleans is on retreat.  Here, I am safe.

But there is no place safe from pain in this life.  It will find you.  Even if you're in your "safe place."

True self-discovery comes only when you allow yourself to feel your pain.  To fully submerge yourself in the stickiness of the grief until your fingers are all pruney...that's when the truth of who you are emerges.

I have spent the years since my divorce on guard.  I have had multiple superficial relationships with men that walked beside me for a brief time.  They were satisfied with the little I gave them.  They didn't require me to be vulnerable.  They only wanted someone to enjoy their free time with.  And that suited me just fine because I did not want to experience any more pain.

But my most recent relationship was different.  He saw through my tough exterior.  He pushed until I opened up.  He saw the side of me that very few have seen.  And eventually I became vulnerable.  The tough girl sat on the bench.

And homegirl cried.  Openly.  Ugly.  Frequently.  I cried.

I didn't love this new side of me.  I fought with her often.  I've equated vulnerability with weakness for as long as I can remember, so this show of tenderness was not a welcome party.  I wanted to tie her up and stash her away in a closet.

But once you've experienced vulnerability in relationship, you are not satisfied with small talk ever again.

So maybe instead of running from the vulnerability, it is smarter to embrace it.  And eventually the storm that we used to equate with pain becomes the sunlight.


https://youtu.be/i1HkUf0tXLU

A 7 yr. old in a 29 yr. old's body

https://youtu.be/X-7K2ElrI4o

"Just because you have an excuse for your behavior, it doesn't erase the fact that you behaved badly." I said to my 7 yr. old.  He was justifying why he threw a fit when he was told no.

I flashed back to the previous day where my boyfriend and I had a similar discussion.  I was explaining my behavior to him, and he responded with a disinterest in hearing my justification.

"I am not justifying it.  I am merely explaining it.  I understand that what I did was wrong."  I said, annoyed.

He loves it when I tell him he's right.

People always have reasons behind their actions.  We behave in certain ways because of a multitude of pre-programmed responses.  We get hurt when someone says a trigger word.  We lash out when someone presses on our insecurities.  We shut down when our fear kicks in.  The current situation perhaps has nothing to do with how these first became a part of our emotional make-up, but we still respond as if it is the original trespass.

And there are always consequences to our behavior.

The most infuriating part to me, as an incredibly (often uncomfortably so) direct person is when I am misunderstood.  I am emotionally repressed (sigh), so my logical brain is usually in control.  I can explain all of my behaviors...whether they are right or not.  And am usually greeted with a curiosity that I can foster into understanding.

Those who don't know me, however, don't have my endless explanations for my behavior.  They, rightly so, have only the action to base their judgement on.

Actions speak louder than words...as I have been known to say often.

As a Type 8 on the Enneagram, I am quick to think that emotions are stupid.  I act quickly and from my gut without taking time to think about how something makes me feel.  It takes me quite a while to acknowledge my feelings.  It takes me quite a while to even admit I have them.  But one of my besties is a Type 2 on the Enneagram.  She's a feeler.  So my lack of emotional knowledge is an enjoyable challenge for her.  She pushes me out of my area of comfortability from the land of action and into the vulnerable land of feeling.  This is thoroughly uncomfortable for me.  If I didn't trust and respect her, this exercise would be one in futility and angst.  And we likely would not be friends for long.

My intellectual mind knows that emotions are crucial.   I have read enough solid research to know that emotions are the landscape behind our actions.  They drive what we say and do.  To resist understanding them is to resist growth.  Because emotions are great deceivers.  They are masters at keeping us unhealthy.

And everyone's emotional lies are different.

(Side Note: I had to google "List of Emotions" ... this is how emotionally retarded I am.)

My Emotion:  Sadness
My Lie:  I am unloveable.

My Emotion:  Anger
My Lie:  I am helpless.

My Emotion:  Fear
My Lie:  I am alone.

 My Emotion:  Disgust
My Lie:  I am better than you.

If I did not grow past reacting to my unknown emotion, I would behave as my 7 yr. old did.  I would throw an adult tantrum and refuse to stop screaming.

Though this may sound tempting as an adult to just let it all hang out, it is a behavior that would not entice people to hang around you.  The emotional lies that you have told yourself will manifest and you would indeed end up being unloveable, helpless, alone, and arrogant.

So as much as it pains me to say, I am finding it necessary to pay attention to my emotion.  Without acknowledging them, I am a 7 yr. old in the body of a 29 yr. old.