Collateral Beauty: A 7 yr. old in a 29 yr. old's body

"Just because you have an excuse for your behavior, it doesn't erase the fact that you behaved badly." I said to my 7 yr. old. He was justifying why he threw a fit when he was told no.

I flashed back to the previous day where my boyfriend and I had a similar discussion. I was explaining my behavior to him, and he responded with a disinterest in hearing my justification.

"I am not justifying it. I am merely explaining it. I understand that what I did was wrong." I said, annoyed.

He loves it when I tell him he's right.

People always have reasons behind their actions. We behave in certain ways because of a multitude of pre-programmed responses. We get hurt when someone says a trigger word. We lash out when someone presses on our insecurities. We shut down when our fear kicks in. The current situation perhaps has nothing to do with how these first became a part of our emotional make-up, but we still respond as if it is the original trespass.

And there are always consequences to our behavior.

The most infuriating part to me, as an incredibly (often uncomfortably so) direct person is when I am misunderstood. I am emotionally repressed (sigh), so my logical brain is usually in control. I can explain all of my behaviors...whether they are right or not. And am usually greeted with a curiosity that I can foster into understanding.

Those who don't know me, however, don't have my endless explanations for my behavior. They, rightly so, have only the action to base their judgement on.

Actions speak louder than words...as I have been known to say often.

As a Type 8 on the Enneagram, I am quick to think that emotions are stupid. I act quickly and from my gut without taking time to think about how something makes me feel. It takes me quite a while to acknowledge my feelings. It takes me quite a while to even admit I have them. But one of my besties is a Type 2 on the Enneagram. She's a feeler. So my lack of emotional knowledge is an enjoyable challenge for her. She pushes me out of my area of comfortability from the land of action and into the vulnerable land of feeling. This is thoroughly uncomfortable for me. If I didn't trust and respect her, this exercise would be one in futility and angst. And we likely would not be friends for long.

My intellectual mind knows that emotions are crucial. I have read enough solid research to know that emotions are the landscape behind our actions. They drive what we say and do. To resist understanding them is to resist growth. Because emotions are great deceivers. They are masters at keeping us unhealthy.

And everyone's emotional lies are different.

(Side Note: I had to google "List of Emotions" ... this is how emotionally retarded I am.)

My Emotion: Sadness
My Lie: I am unloveable.

My Emotion: Anger
My Lie: I am helpless.

My Emotion: Fear
My Lie: I am alone.

My Emotion: Disgust
My Lie: I am better than you.

If I did not grow past reacting to my unknown emotion, I would behave as my 7 yr. old did. I would throw an adult tantrum and refuse to stop screaming.

Though this may sound tempting as an adult to just let it all hang out, it is a behavior that would not entice people to hang around you. The emotional lies that you have told yourself will manifest and you would indeed end up being unloveable, helpless, alone, and arrogant.

So as much as it pains me to say, I am finding it necessary to pay attention to my emotion. Without acknowledging them, I am a 7 yr. old in the body of a 29 yr. old.