The Benefit of Loneliness

My dating life, or lack thereof, has given me a renewed interest in my life.  I'm finding myself taking pleasure in cooking a meal for just me, tending to my plants, doing small projects around my house, working out while watching my new favorite show "Ballers", swinging outside while Sadie plays, reading voraciously, and I intend to make a trip to Michael's to buy some paints and brushes to stoke that passion.  I am parading as a person who has her stuff together.

Loneliness has its benefits.

I entertained the idea of casually seeing one man in particular that has been a steady in my life for two years.  I quickly realized that was a recipe for disaster as the universe would be plotting against me to develop feelings for him if he was the lone ranger and I was in no condition to entertain that.  So he also got the boot.  Until I am happily lonely, men do not have a place in my heart. 

I am continuing to hang out with men I've dated.  Strictly as friends.  Well, those that are actually interested in me as a person, at least.  Some of them scattered when they found out I was not dating.  This has been an interesting development for me as I am now not concerned with how they perceive me.  I've often met them out with no makeup on and having forgotten to brush my teeth.  I am exploring what it means to enjoy someone's company without the convolution of intimacy and romance.

I have become a true adult somewhere along the way.  My priorities seem to have settled into a healthy place.  It's survival that required this shift.  I am fully aware now that I am responsible for my kids and myself.  I alone.  Yes, I have help from my wonderful parents.  But I have categorized that as temporary help until I am fully functioning on my own.  It is my duty as their mother to teach them how to save money, to teach them what it means to love Jesus, to show them how to behave in tough situations, how to treat others who are both less and more fortunate than them.  And the hard lesson of saying no to them when finances don't allow their desires to be carried out. 

I look back on these almost three years of separation and divorce and I can see the necessary pain.  I made so many poor decisions.  But it was where I was mentally and emotionally.  I made few good ones, and those I count as wins because I was certainly in no place to allow for good decisions. 

My brother told me a few months after my divorce that I had to learn to be stable on my own for my boys without anyone else providing that for me.  I remember thinking he was crazy and out of touch with my reality.  And at the time, that was probably true because I could not mentally make that leap to independent stability.

I may not be where I want to be, but I'm much closer than I was.  Stability for my boys has been achieved only because of the pain I've endured .... and the love that Jesus has for me.

Loneliness has its benefits.

Loneliness

Life has become divided into weeks with my boys and weeks without them.  I am consumed with survival.  When I don't have them, I'm preoccupied with making money.  When I have them, I'm consumed with spending time with them.  Either way, I am consumed.  Dating distracted me from the consummation that has become my life.  Now that that is gone, I am having to stare into the face of my loneliness that has taken shape and made itself at home.

I had the thought yesterday that my time for being joyful and full of life were over.  I would never feel whole again.  I would never laugh unhinged again.  I may never fall in love again.  I'm beginning to wonder if my heart is even capable of it.

I lived a good portion of the past few years with the hope that my marriage would be restored.  I held onto that hope.  I nurtured it and kept it safe from strangers.  I held back in my other relationships because my husband still had my heart.  Because of this, I delayed the healing process.  I was never fully committed or convinced that I was single.  I thought it was just a cruel joke that would soon be rectified. 

Three years later I am finally realizing that I. Am. Single.

I look back on my journey and I can see all the necessary components to my grief.   I had the anger phase, the denial phase, the bargaining phase, the depression phase, and I think I may finally be in the acceptance phase.

It will be interesting to see if my roommate Loneliness and I will get along.