My dating life, or lack thereof, has given me a renewed interest in my life. I'm finding myself taking pleasure in cooking a meal for just me, tending to my plants, doing small projects around my house, working out while watching my new favorite show "Ballers", swinging outside while Sadie plays, reading voraciously, and I intend to make a trip to Michael's to buy some paints and brushes to stoke that passion. I am parading as a person who has her stuff together.
Loneliness has its benefits.
I entertained the idea of casually seeing one man in particular that has been a steady in my life for two years. I quickly realized that was a recipe for disaster as the universe would be plotting against me to develop feelings for him if he was the lone ranger and I was in no condition to entertain that. So he also got the boot. Until I am happily lonely, men do not have a place in my heart.
I am continuing to hang out with men I've dated. Strictly as friends. Well, those that are actually interested in me as a person, at least. Some of them scattered when they found out I was not dating. This has been an interesting development for me as I am now not concerned with how they perceive me. I've often met them out with no makeup on and having forgotten to brush my teeth. I am exploring what it means to enjoy someone's company without the convolution of intimacy and romance.
I have become a true adult somewhere along the way. My priorities seem to have settled into a healthy place. It's survival that required this shift. I am fully aware now that I am responsible for my kids and myself. I alone. Yes, I have help from my wonderful parents. But I have categorized that as temporary help until I am fully functioning on my own. It is my duty as their mother to teach them how to save money, to teach them what it means to love Jesus, to show them how to behave in tough situations, how to treat others who are both less and more fortunate than them. And the hard lesson of saying no to them when finances don't allow their desires to be carried out.
I look back on these almost three years of separation and divorce and I can see the necessary pain. I made so many poor decisions. But it was where I was mentally and emotionally. I made few good ones, and those I count as wins because I was certainly in no place to allow for good decisions.
My brother told me a few months after my divorce that I had to learn to be stable on my own for my boys without anyone else providing that for me. I remember thinking he was crazy and out of touch with my reality. And at the time, that was probably true because I could not mentally make that leap to independent stability.
I may not be where I want to be, but I'm much closer than I was. Stability for my boys has been achieved only because of the pain I've endured .... and the love that Jesus has for me.
Loneliness has its benefits.
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