Loneliness

Life has become divided into weeks with my boys and weeks without them.  I am consumed with survival.  When I don't have them, I'm preoccupied with making money.  When I have them, I'm consumed with spending time with them.  Either way, I am consumed.  Dating distracted me from the consummation that has become my life.  Now that that is gone, I am having to stare into the face of my loneliness that has taken shape and made itself at home.

I had the thought yesterday that my time for being joyful and full of life were over.  I would never feel whole again.  I would never laugh unhinged again.  I may never fall in love again.  I'm beginning to wonder if my heart is even capable of it.

I lived a good portion of the past few years with the hope that my marriage would be restored.  I held onto that hope.  I nurtured it and kept it safe from strangers.  I held back in my other relationships because my husband still had my heart.  Because of this, I delayed the healing process.  I was never fully committed or convinced that I was single.  I thought it was just a cruel joke that would soon be rectified. 

Three years later I am finally realizing that I. Am. Single.

I look back on my journey and I can see all the necessary components to my grief.   I had the anger phase, the denial phase, the bargaining phase, the depression phase, and I think I may finally be in the acceptance phase.

It will be interesting to see if my roommate Loneliness and I will get along.