"The purpose of life is to be defeated by greater and greater things." -- R.M. Rilke
Being a mom is like putting one leg in your jeans and letting the other one just flap around all day...exposing your bum and choice of undergarments in all your glory. You're almost there...but not quite. You made an attempt. A thumbs up emoji is appropriate. Or the drunk one.
My boys experienced something that was upsetting to them. Brady was holding the information close because it involved people he loved and told me it wasn't my business to know.
"I'm your mother. Everything about you is my business." I responded with emphasis.
He didn't want to tell me because he didn't want me to be angry. He's a protector and very loyal.
"What would happen if I did get angry? What does that look like to you?" I asked.
"I don't know, momma. I just don't want to you to be angry at them."
We talked through the event eventually that he was reluctant to share. And I wasn't angry. I was sad. I held his hand and told him I was sorry he had to go through that. He gave me a weak smile in the midst of his sadness.
Putting your children through a divorce is one of the hardest things to do. It requires constant affirmation that you did indeed make the right choice. It requires an extra amount of patience for yourself and for others.
It requires your pant leg and an exposed bum.
The effects are inexhaustible.
Before I was a mom, I was a step mom. I had a lot of difficulty with that role. I wanted so badly to be involved in my step-daughter's life and did so recklessly and without boundaries. I had an extremely volatile relationship with her mom because of my ignorance about the importance of boundaries. And I had a great amount of ignorance about the effects of the lack of control over what happens to the most important person in your life when you're a mom...your child.
Allowing your children to flourish in an environment that doesn't involve you is incredibly difficult. My heart still aches when I watch them walk into school, leaving me behind. Sending them to another home where they are having experiences that you don't even know about is another level of pain...it's more than an exposed bum/leg combo. It's a damn completely-nude-in-the-snow kind of vulnerability. It's unnatural and if you aren't careful, you will lose limbs to frost bite. Not to mention the unmentionables.
It means allowing them to love people you haven't gotten to vet. It means encouraging them to bond with others who are strangers to you. It means sacrificing your own selfish and suffocating love that often comes with motherhood for the sake of your children's hearts. It means staying uncomfortable.
The beauty of this unknown equation (aka my children living in a different home) is that they are experiencing things that will require them to rise out of adversity and pain. It means that I am given the incredibly difficult task of letting go and letting God. It means that my trust cannot be in people or myself if I want to stay sane ... it has to be in the God who loves my boys more than I ever could. It means that I have to learn to be ok living with an exposed bum while my pant leg flops around nonchalantly. And occasionally be butt naked in the snow.
"In Over My Head"
I have come to this place in my life
I'm full but I've not satisfied
This longing to have more of You
And I can feel it my heart is convinced
I'm thirsty my soul can't be quenched
You already know this but still
Come and do whatever You want to
I'm standing knee deep but I'm out where I've never been
And I feel You coming and I hear Your voice on the wind
Would You come and tear down the boxes that I have tried to put You in
Let love come teach me who You are again
Would You take me back to the place where my heart was only about You
And all I wanted was just to be with You
Come and do whatever You want to
And further and further my heart moves away from the shore
Whatever it looks like, whatever may come I am Yours
And further and further my heart moves away from the shore
Whatever it looks like, whatever may come I am Yours
Then You crash over me and I've lost control but I'm free
I'm going under, I'm in over my head
Then you crash over me, and that's where You want me to be
I'm going under, I'm in over my head
Whether I sink, whether I swim
It makes no difference when I'm beautifully in over my head
Whether I sink, whether I swim
It makes no difference when I'm beautifully in over my head
I'm beautifully in over my head
I'm beautifully in over my head
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