This is the first Christmas my parents do not live near me. This is the first Christmas I'm settled in a new home. This is the first Christmas I have Sadie. This is the first Christmas I am a fully present mother.
And this is the first Christmas after my divorce that I feel whole in my singleness.
My boys and I did our Christmas with Santa's arrival on Christmas Eve because it is their dad's year to have them on Christmas morning. We could not have had a better day. We played all the games they got from Santa. We ate dips, sweets, and all things junk. We went on multiple walks. We went to the park with Sadie. We watched Christmas movies. We painted with their new paint sets. My phone was never close by. My presence was focused on them. We had invites to do other things, but we were having too much fun as our little family to venture out and see others. We were content in our threesome.When they left that afternoon, I had plans to drink too much and watch Netflix because I was certain I would be sad. Instead, I cleaned my house top to bottom and went to bed sober at 10 p.m. after reading. I kept waiting for the sadness to hit me...but nothing, Jesus. It never arrived.
One of my friends said to me in response to me telling him I was alone on Christmas that the man I was currently dating would not let me be alone for Christmas. I chewed on that for a bit, then decided he was wrong. I didn't know my current romantic interest well enough to spend Christmas with him. I didn't want to spend Christmas with him. I wanted to be with someone who knew me well and loved me...not someone I was getting to know romantically.
Pause for dramatic effect because this is NOT a typical Rebekah response.
Typically, Rebekah would be upset that the man I was currently spending time with had not made plans with me for Christmas after discovering I was alone. The typical Rebekah would be waiting by her phone for an invitation. The typical Rebekah would have found reason to feel shunned and rejected. The Typical Rebekah would have drank too much and cried herself to sleep because her life is meaningless without a man.
Thank God I'm not the Typical Rebekah any longer.
I did not get him a present and hoped to God he didn't buy me one. I did not wait for an invitation because I didn't want one. I didn't feel slighted or rejected. I had too much to do to waste emotion. I had two little boys who wanted their momma for Christmas. That's all. And this momma was not going to be pulled in a direction that was not towards her kids. This momma knows better than to seek happiness in a man. This momma knows that happiness is achieved only within.
I have been walking through a new dating relationship with a friend and am appalled at myself for the advice I'm giving her. It's the advice I got from healthy and happily single women. I didn't understand how they could be so strong when they delivered such sound advice. I didn't understand how they had no emotion over the potential of being alone. It felt like they had discovered the shut off valve for vulnerability and weakness and desperation. I wanted badly to have also found it, but it always alluded me.
Change sneaks up on you. It comes in small decisions. You don't realize it's happened until you are surprised by the emotional response you have to a stimulus. Our emotions do not lie. They are the genuine core of who we are. We can fool ourselves in all manner of foolishness, but we will never fool our emotions.
And my emotions about spending Christmas alone are simply gratitude and peace. Thank you, Jesus, for change.
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