And also, I feel a bit like I have three heads.
So far I have been told that New Orleans is a terrible city because it is Democratic so of course I wanted to move to Mills County because it's superior in its Republican ways, but my ideas aren't welcome so just behave and be quiet. I've been told that my political association is stupid, that others want to move out of this precious town because "people are coming in and changing it," and in response to my post about Beto, "that explains a lot."
Ouch.
Well, at first I felt hurt. Then I was super pissed. Then I settled on wanting to be love and acceptance regardless of what my soul encounters. Even if that means it encounters disparaging remarks.
I have been a Republican most of my life. I always said that I was fiscally conservative and socially liberal (I have never understood telling another person how to live their life). It took a while for the fiscal part to penetrate my soul. In fact, it was only a few months before I moved to Texas that my views of this started to change. And it all began with me in Art Therapy with an incredible amount of self-loathing, shame and confusion (shout out to my religious upbringing), and a beautiful therapist whose name alone gives me comfort.
I have been in and out of therapy since I was first married at 28. I was in a difficult marriage with a lot of fighting, drinking and spending. Neither one of us knew or LOVED ourselves well enough to make any kind of significant relationship work. (Just a side note, if you are in a toxic relationship I hope you find a therapist that recognizes this...leaving cute love notes for your toxic partner is not going to cut it, Teresa. You have been lied to. That shit is for couples who fight over who does the dishes not being on the verge of dialing 911 because you're scared to death.). I went to Christian therapists mostly. And we all know that Christians like to preach self-sacrifice, not self-love. Especially if you are a woman. Codependency is a trait Christian women are expected to have....everyone else comes first. The therapists were lovely people acting out their training. Unfortunately, it didn't spur me to love myself enough to be free of toxicity. So I found myself in another toxic marriage for 8 years followed by a significant live-in toxic relationship with my two boys. Big, fat sigh.
My switch to full on Democrat only came when I fully, truly loved myself. All the shadowy parts and weaknesses. Love for myself arrived when I said a blanket I FORGIVE YOU for all the things I thought I should be ashamed of. (Obviously I'm not saying that only Democrats love themselves. This was MY journey, Jesus.). When I was fully able to hold space for all the times and ways in which I acted out of self-protection and fear and pride could I see the forest for the trees. I was just a girl living in a broken world with two little boys relying on me. And the Conservative ideal of independence just wasn't cutting it anymore.
When I realized all the hate I was piling on my shoulders just to carry the burden of having this "all man for himself" attitude, I had no choice but to shed it. I didn't like what I was becoming. I didn't like my greed and obsession with money and independence and success when I cried myself to sleep alone at night. I didn't like having to work my ass off to maintain some sort of "comfortable" life when all I wanted to do was be with my kids. I didn't like the constant barrage of shame that came from never having enough or never being enough. I didn't like the constant judgement I had for others. I didn't like the constant disappointment and pessimism. It killed my relationships and isolated me from people. I was becoming a bitter old woman with contempt for myself.
I am incredibly thankful that I found love for myself before I moved to this "land of the free and home of the brave" in the Lone Star State of Texas where we are ruggedly independent and full of pride for being so. It's in our very heritage, this need to "take care of our own." As long as that means they are like us. We have a flag to prove it. Without love for myself, I would cry daily while I wait tables.
I was told that I needed to be careful who I spoke to about my political beliefs. Telling me what to do never goes over well. So clearly, that worked. I am actively living in what my New Orleans friends are terrified of in Texas...I am being persecuted for my faith (or lack thereof) and my political beliefs because I am different. I represent all the failures a person can have. I represent the one who fell through the Republican net because there was no one to catch me. Apparently I'm not independent enough.
My little town doesn't know what to do with me. I catch myself saying that I'm from New Orleans, but that's not true. I lived in New Orleans for 26 years. I'm from Texas. I have a right, just like all the people who never left their home town here, to live here in peace with support and love and acceptance. It's my right simply because I'm a person. My political beliefs don't change that fact. I'm a human. I bleed and cry and pee and laugh and get my heart broken just like Republicans. Shocker.
I guess being a Beto supporter does explain a lot. It explains that I have lived hard and cried hard. It means I have been broke and destitute and alone. It means that I have found strength in love for people over money. It means that I am unafraid of my possessions being taken away. It means money doesn't matter to me. It explains the bankruptcy of my previous beliefs.
We are all just trying to survive as best we know how with a looming expiration date. Republicans and Democrats alike.
I am. That is reason enough for kindness.
I feel like a lot of conservatives don't learn this lesson until they, themselves need that "extra leg up" that is provided within the infastructure usually seen in democratic cities. That is especially interesting to me when the naysayers are quoting scripture and telling us to love each other.I guess they mean "until you have to put your tax dollars where your mouth is." Basic tenets of living in a modern country should be that people get food, medical, housing, and educational support from tax-supported programs because we're trying to build a SOCIETY, rather than a group of people who are willing to step over or on those with less so they can raise themselves up.
ReplyDelete100% agree!!
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