Bulls and Matadors

Dating is like being in a bull fight. According to Wikipedia, bullfighting is a physical contest that generally involves humans attempting to publicly subdue, immobilize, or kill a bull, usually according to a set of rules, guidelines, or cultural expectations. The color red attracts the bull initially. But once the bull is drawn into interaction, they are then seduced into immobilization, subdued, or killed. I'm a fan of red flags. These red flags are carried by all sorts of matadors. Some have the intention of handicapping. Some want to domesticate. Others want to terminate. I'm sure there are some matadors that genuinely care and respect for the bulls that are drawn to them, but those nice matadors won't be included in today's ramblings. I am mostly drawn to those matadors who want to handicap me. It is not their intention to build me up, to respect me or care for me with kindness and gentleness, to take the time to get to know me. It is their intention to cut my legs off and leave me bleeding so their own purposes are fulfilled. Mostly that is the need for an ego fix. Or a physical encounter. Or temporary companionship. But none of those matadors can do this if the bull is completely intact. It requires someone who is subdued, muted, restrained, domesticated, tempered, softened, toned down (all synonyms of subdued according to thesaurus.com). My favorite of these synonyms is "toned down." I am reading a book that wisely instructs people who are dating to divulge information in small doses. The author says it takes 3 months before you can connect to someone enough where you trust them to let them in a bit. Unfortunately for me and most of the other women I know, we don't do this. We are not TONED DOWN. We say too much too quickly and opinions are just as quickly formed whether they are accurate or not based on the bit of information we divulged. I am not toned down. I say too much. I have been told on more than one occasion that I am too open and vulnerable. That I'm too trusting and honest. I am the opposite of toned down. I have carried this message with me since I was young. That I'm TOO MUCH. Too passionate. Too honest. Too emotional. Too trusting. Too talkative. Too intense. Just TOO MUCH. Whether it was an accurate message or not, it sure did go in my basket of thoughts that defined me. It's been with me in all my relationships. Whether it was factual or not. I learned to tone it down quickly if I wanted to keep the peace. As my most honest self, I was simply too much. Fiona Apple says it best: "Hunger hurts, and I want him so bad, oh it kills 'Cause I know I'm a mess he don't wanna clean up I got to fold 'cause these hands are too shaky to hold Hunger hurts, but starving works, when it costs too much to love" I really wish I liked a different color.