Man A.K.A. POSER

I was once a stepmom.  I had the honor of loving someone else's child for most of her childhood.  At the time, I thought that I was behaving as I should.  Asking her dad to put me before her at times.  Believing that a healthy marriage starts with a solid union and that meant you give your spouse priority.  I believe that this is a great concept...assuming the union actually works.  But if it doesn't, it seems like a wasted priority.

I approached my newfound singleness as a parent in much the same way.  I believed I would find a man who would replace my husband in what I deemed a proper priority placement.  I believed I would find someone who would love my boys as much as I loved my stepdaughter.  I naively approached dating and men in this manner.

I was recently told that this skewed priority placement was one of the downfalls of my appeal as a partner.  I had already adjusted this mistaken priority list months ago, but it affirmed that I had indeed been misguided in my approach as a single mother.

Unfortunately, temporary companions are replaceable.  There are a plethora of men eager to date for a short period of time.  They are quick to be there for you initially.  They swoop in and make you think you finally found a decent man who is willing to muddle through difficulties, only to find that they run out the door like all the others when things get difficult.

In the words of Bridget Jones,

"What is your problem? You give the impression of being all moral, and noble...and normal...and helpful in the kitchen. But you're just as bad as the rest of them."

I'm not sure if this habit of false, initial appearances is simply to benefit their ego, to give them sexual satisfaction, or if they genuinely are unaware that they are misrepresenting themselves.  

Or maybe it's just that the expiration of dating is around 3 months because after 3 months the reality of companionship settles in and it's just easier to cut and run rather than tolerate differences.

Whatever the reason, it is quite the cluster and if you are unhappily married I suggest you spend time with a single woman in her 40s and you will go home and cling to your husband like you never have before.  

I find that when I don't have my kids, I am distracted and lost and seem a bit like my life is pointless.  I've had times when I felt I conquered this hopelessness, but it always seems to make its way back into my psyche.  I don't know who I am apart from being a mom most of the time.  

And dating makes this feeling even more pronounced.

Perhaps this is something every mother who has to live without her kids feels.

I know I'm not alone in this serious lapse in identity...Feeling like your identity is put on hold until two little boys are asleep in their beds in your house.  I don't know what normal is...I just know that there has got to be a way to bridge the gap between absences.  And that most definitely does not involve a man...A.K.A. POSER.