I am a truth teller, as my friend likes to call me. Thus, the love of this movie. I have a hard time being indirect or speaking false things just to make someone feel better. I am missing the piece of me that politely lies in order to maintain the peace. I am also unafraid of confrontation, so I suppose these two traits are complimentary...telling the truth and being OK with a troublesome exchange as a result.
An unpleasant interaction with my dear friend recently gave me pause. It was because I spoke the truth when someone asked me about her. In her opinion it was gossip and translated to people talking about her behind her back. In my opinion, I was simply divulging accurate information for another friend who loved her as I did. One of the responses from my friend who felt betrayed was that she would start telling others things about me as well. My response was that I hoped she always spoke the truth about me...regardless of how unattractive it may be.
The truth about me is not always pleasant. Every other Monday, I go into a cocoon of coping mechanisms implemented in order to keep me from falling apart. I miss my boys so badly, nothing is off limits if it will keep the misery at bay. I drink too much. I eat too much. I sleep too much. I do a variety of other self destructive things until I feel I can function without a severe handicap. Sometimes the feelings subside. Sometimes they don't and my self-destruction continues.
I do have moments of victory over these misguided coping skills at times. But these are when I'm in the height of health and wellness. If anything is askew at all in my mental or physical well being, the old dirty habits creep in easily.
What can I say...I'm a work in progress.
Along with my truth telling, I also do not divulge information unless I feel it's necessary. I'm a fan of people minding their own business and me minding mine. But if I'm asked a direct question, I inevitably tell the truth. My response should be, "I'd rather not talk about that." But I haven't quite mastered that response.
Goal #2,579 ... know when to tell people it's not their business....
As a momma, the only other person whose business I am concerned with is my boys. Yes, I get upset when I feel like people close to me are making bad choices. But the concern is easily replaced with the fact that they are adults with free will like me. And I'm the queen of bad choices, so it's almost relieving when I'm not alone in this.
What if my "bad" choices are not bad at all and are in fact a necessary part of who I am? Aside from the alcohol that rots your insides, what if my personality is simply the personality of someone who has little regard for rules and "proper" interactions? What if I was created specifically for the purpose of living freely....detached...? I have discovered that having to answer to anyone is my least favorite thing. I don't want to have to tell anyone where I am or what I'm doing. It's not because I'm ashamed, it just seems cumbersome and unnecessary to me. Why should anyone care where I am and what I'm doing? Is that love?
Love seems to have turned into a term that justifies our bad behaviors. I love you so I'll track every move you make. I love you so I'll have an opinion about everything you do. I love you so I have a right to go through your phone. I love you so I'll judge your interactions. I love you so I need to approve every decision you make. I love you so I'll get easily hurt by you. I love you so I want to spend every second with you. I love you and because that makes me vulnerable I do not trust you.
Love never gives up.
Love cares more for others than for self.
Love doesn’t want what it doesn’t have.
Love doesn’t strut,
Doesn’t have a swelled head,
Doesn’t force itself on others,
Isn’t always “me first,”
Doesn’t fly off the handle,
Doesn’t keep score of the sins of others,
Doesn’t revel when others grovel,
Takes pleasure in the flowering of truth,
Puts up with anything,
Trusts God always,
Always looks for the best,
Never looks back,
But keeps going to the end.
1 Corinthians 13:7
If I feel like I have a right to know what my boys are doing because I love them intensely, then perhaps that is a side effect of love. BUT my boys are my responsibility. God gave them to me to nurture and help them grow into the best possible people they can be. So therefore, their words and actions are my business. I don't feel the same responsibility for anyone else. So the love I have for my boys is a different kind of love. It's more a self-love because they are extensions of me.
Romantic love has probably eluded me because of my indifference to others.
I have developed into this person. I was once the girl crying in a church while a homeless man gave his testimony.
That girl is long gone. Whether it is because of nature or nurture, I'll never know. It's a moot point now.
Truth and consequences...two things I am unafraid of. Love, however, ....terrifying.
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