Empty Pockets, Full Heart

 "I can't start crying because I'm afraid I won't stop."  I said to her.   I had too much to do.  I had to focus on what I do best as an Enneagram 8.  I DO. Action has never been difficult for me.  It's the repercussions of those actions that get me into trouble.  So I packed my boys up and loaded the SUV and Sadie, our Golden Retriever, and drove the 9 hrs. to my parent's house in Texas.  I stayed one night with them and turned back around to load up our lives.  I started tearing up at the U-Haul place when the trailer wouldn't work, but I remembered the flood behind the dam and stuffed that shit down and got it done.  By 1 p.m. the next day I was driving out of the swamp and to my new home.

That was August 15.  And the flood has come.

Something triggered me and the tears started flowing.  My voice raised an octave.  I was shaking.  Homegirl could not function.

I am broke.   I am applying for welfare while people I love thrive.  I am outraged that I have gotten here.  I'm outraged that they have gotten there.  We are on opposite ends of the spectrum.

And we are the same.

We regard each other the exact same from our little corner..with judgement.  The only way to pull yourself out of that is to hold material things lightly.  Like so lightly that it doesn't affect you either way.  You have money, so you buy what brings you joy. (hopefully)  I do the same, just on a smaller scale.  We're just all trying to survive, Jesus.

However, what our good ol' red, white and blue values is independence and prosperity.  And if you are neither of those, you have little value and become a burden to those around you.  Your presence on earth is an inconvenience to those who make the money and hold the power.  You become hated because you are costing the "successful" time and energy.  They resent your breathing the same air as they do because you are inherently less important than they are.  Because if you weren't, then it would mean that their image of their own value would be questioned.  And that is far too scary to approach. We say with our lips that we know money is the root of all evil, that we work to live, that we value people over our possessions.  But it in fact has become our goal.  Sadly, this dismantles everything true about life and leaves us living a lie. 

Love is the goal.  Not money.

We have all been lied to.

We do not say on a true crime podcast about someone who passed:

-They drove the most expensive, fastest car!

-They lived in a beautiful house!

-They had a large amount of savings!

-They were so rich!

-They had multiple degrees!

- They had a boat!

-They had all the toys!

-They were debt free!

-They knew the value of money!

-They were shopping for a huge house while their family was applying for welfare!

-They never borrowed money from anyone!

-They thought they were superior to people who smoke!

-They chose ethics over relationships!

-They followed all the laws!  Well, mostly!

-They loved money!

-They had good boundaries!

-They only helped you if you were responsible with your money!

-They were self-sufficient!

No, we fucking absolutely do not.  What we do say is:

-They were hilarious.

-They could make anyone laugh.

-They were so kind.

-They loved life.

-They were generous.

-They lit up a room.

-They were incredibly wise.

-Their home was my safe place.

-They would give you the shirt off their back.

-They loved their kids.

-Their family meant the world to them.

-They worked so their family was taken care of.

-They were a big teddy bear.

-They always made me laugh.

-They gave the best hugs.

-They protected me.

-They fought for the underdog.

-They never judged me.

-They would drop everything to be there.

-Their door was always open.

-They were the most easy-going person.

-I loved being around them.

-It didn't matter that I was broke as fuck, irresponsible with money, needy, and living with my parents with my two boys in tow after fleeing Louisiana.  They treated me like they always did...with respect and dignity.

My heart is broken.

We have constructed a society in which the value of a person resides in what they have to offer you...in the way of possessions.  We say this isn't true.  Because we tithe to our church.  We support a child in Africa.  We volunteer at church.  We give food to homeless people.  We pray for the poor.  We give to people we think are worthy.

We are good, God-fearing people, right?

I thought so.  I bought into it.  I regarded homeless people with resent because I had more than they did.  It wasn't my fault I was rich.  I know how to work hard and earn a living and take care of myself. Why can't they?  What is wrong with them?  Clearly they are messed up.  "But we're all messed up," I say to myself dutifully.  Letting myself off the hook for judging them.  I don't really believe this.

I really did believe that I was better because I was a hard worker and could take care of myself.  

But then I almost lost my son.  What followed was a string of comedic events (not comedy, like haha, but like DARK comedy).  My marriage fell apart.  My business fell apart.  I lost my house.  I lost my footing.  I ran up debts trying to maintain what was once my life.  My gut dictated my behavior because I knew I would fall apart if my heart spoke.  For eight years, I made a host of decisions that screamed just how broken and exhausted my soul was.  I didn't listen.  I didn't have the tools.  So I continued my rampage through life.  Impulsively buying, impulsively living, destructively hobbling through finances.

Until it brought me here.  Living in an RV behind my parents' house with literally less than nothing.

Except I've never felt so incredibly wealthy.

What I discovered during this process is that I am not the sum of my worldly possessions.  I have value with or without money.  I can still love.  I can still listen.  I can still hold you when you're hurting.  I can still help you when you need it by giving what I can.  I can still share my life.  I can still love.

I suppose this is why I have changed my label from "socially liberal and fiscally conservative" to "LIBERAL AF."  If we as humans cannot be relied on to take care of each other, then we should be forced to do it.  Make all the fucking money in the world that you want.  It doesn't matter how much or little you make.  What matters is that you are of infinite value to the Creator of the Universe.  Your worth is not based on your "earning potential" or your ability to live independently.  You matter just as much as Elon Musk.  You matter just as much as Beyonce.  You matter just as much as Steve Jobs.  You matter just as much as Oprah.  You matter just as much as Ghandi.  You matter just as much as Jesus.  You.  Matter.  With or without a great credit score,  with or without a bankruptcy, with or without a job,  with or without the ability to even get a job, with or without a pension or a retirement account, living on welfare or making a million a year.  In a huge ass house or out of your mind on drugs living on the street.  You.  Matter.  And NO ONE determines your value except the universe.  And we all know that means you are of infinite value.  You know because of the sparrows and lilies of the valley and all.  (Matthew 6:28)

When the tears did start, they continued for a few days and then subsided and left me in a state of contentment.  Because all my rage about my situation and the situation of others surfaced, yelled at the top of its lungs, and then sat with a goofy ass grin on its face because it was finally given a voice.

I hope you find your own broke ass sitting in an RV in the middle of the mysteries of nature with empty pockets and a full heart.

"Do not store up riches for yourselves here on earth, where moths and rust destroy, and robbers break in and steal. Instead, store up riches for yourselves in heaven, where moths and rust cannot destroy, and robbers cannot break in and steal. For your heart will always be where your riches are." –Matthew 6:19-21

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