I was sitting in our shed outside when the call came in that changed the course of our lives. It was time to move back to Texas. Everything in me awoke with purpose. The boys had already started school in New Orleans. Their tuitions were paid. Uniforms, supplies and books were bought. Schedules were worked out, clients were lined up. My dad had just built a shed and bought a lawnmower for us. We were actively working on our house, making plans for the future. My boys and I lived with one of my bffs and we were all thoroughly settled.
And it all came to an ear-piercing STOP.
Two weeks later, here I sit in my parents' house with my son next to me on his phone. It's so early the rooster hasn't crowed. The country life encourages going to bed with the sun and rising the same. Our belongings are mostly packed up. The little furniture we brought is sitting in my parents' shed. My dog has become a farm dog. Our mornings begin with coffee and animals who have to be fed. Our nights conclude with the feeding of the animals again and us sitting together watching whatever show we're currently binging.
I watch my boys curiously often, trying to determine what emotions are stirring. I see glimpses of confusion and sometimes sadness and anxiety. When I asked my 12 yr. old if he missed New Orleans, he said, "I only lived there for 12 years, momma. What do you think??" And we all laughed. And cried.
I started reading a book by Martha Beck, (Harvard trained sociologist, coach and author) entitled Finding Your Own North Star about two months ago. I was thoroughly invested in the book, doing all the homework she assigned. I began meditating on my life and where my north star might reside.
And two months ago what I came up with was that I feel most at peace when I'm close to my family.
I shoved that thought down because that was a peace I was not going to have consistently. Holidays and random other visits were all the maximized peace I was allowed, I thought. So it remained dormant, enclosed in a dull heartache.
Raising your kids alone is one of the hardest things I have ever done, and likely will ever do. When my marriage was pulverized to bits eight years ago, I fumbled through the requirements of a single mom. In the beginning of my divorce period, I was incredibly lost. My parents still lived in New Orleans, so I thankfully had something solid to offer my boys. When they moved four years ago, I provided what solid ground I could offer to my boys. It was a significant handicap, a weak attempt at what could have been.
So I poured myself into my tribe of girlfriends and my ex's family. They became my family. They were the ones who helped when I couldn't do the duties of single mom alone. We had family sleepovers often. We were mom, dad, grandpa, grandma, aunt, uncle, cousin, friend to each other's kids. My boys have numerous "aunts" aka my bffs.
I became more liberal. I abandoned my previous, Conservative ideas about money and laws and the role of the government. I evolved into someone who had nothing but her character to offer. I read (or listened to) every book I could get my hands on about deconstructing your faith and tentatively rebuilding it into something much more whole. Something that I could pass on to my children. If it wasn't money or traditional stability, then I could at least give them a solid faith that encouraged love of self and others above. all. else.
This new faith grew out of the desperation of a single momma who felt very ill-equipped to be a mother.
I had lots of help along the way in the form of various authors, musicians, and podcasters.* Glennon, Jen, Luvie, Amanda, Abby, Eckhart, Brenda, Richard, Marren, Henry, Brian, all the Mikes, Hillary, Esther, Nichole, Chandler, Naomi, Krista etc........... I was a desperate woman digging desperately to find the solid ground I lost.
The Universe, our Divine Being, They, Jesus, God, Buddha, Muhammed, Jehovah, Ra, Mother Nature.... the possible names for God are endless. One study found that there were at least 18,000 Gods found throughout human history.
Whatever you want to call them. I was searching for the personal God that dissipated under my knowledge and experience. And single motherhood offered the perfect shroud for discovery.
All the knowledge that found me carried me here. To this very moment...sitting outside in Goldthwaite, TX waiting for the sun to come up over the wide, open spaces that I now call home.
*@glennondoyle, @jenhatmaker, @luvie, @amandadoyle, @abbywambach, @eckharttolle, @brendadavies, @richardrohr, @marrenmorris, @henrynouwen, @brianmclaren, @sciencemike, @michaelgungor, @hillarymcbride, @estherperel, @nicholenordeman, @chandlermoore, @naomiraine, @kristatippett
Beautifully written.
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