Bottoms up!

My friend and I were talking about the transformation that seemingly took place overnight...one in which having a male counterpart was not a part of my happiness anymore. She was marveling at my metamorphosis. She was waiting for the previously predictable tears. She had been there from the beginning so this script was rehearsed. But it didn't go as she anticipated. Because I was thoroughly happy and had just been dumped. For a fifth time. By the same man. Each time it happened before, it was excruciating. I felt like that scene in Bridget Jones when she's crying in the bath tub. My tears being joined with the bath water...so very many times...over The. Same. Dang. Man. It was curious because he wasn't a great fit for me. He did not respect me. He said one thing and did another. He lied. He cancelled plans at the last minute habitually. One day he wanted to marry me the next he was with someone else. He had a short fuse and an even shorter tolerance. IT didn't make sense except for the fact that I was deathly afraid of being alone...and did not believe I deserved better. I lost friends over this disjointed relationship. They tired of telling me repeatedly that I was worth more. So they distanced themselves. Rightly so. It was too much to ask them to put me back together again. Over. And over. And over. And over. So they bowed out. For some reason, it took FIVE TIMES for me to receive a beautiful parting gift. The gift I'm sure God had been trying to give me for years. The gift that in my ignorance and desperation I ignored. It was the gift of feeling complete with just me.

It doesn't depend on whether I receive a text or am asked on a date. It doesn't coincide with receiving a phone call or a Facebook message. It. Just. Is. Without anyone adding to it. Without anyone taking away from it. It. Just IS. I read once that the difference between happy people and those who are unhappy is simply that happy people believe they are worthy of love. Chew on that for a bit. We are all worthy. We were all created by the same God. But the difference in happiness and unhappiness is simply belief in our inherent value. "Blame it on God. He was the one who made me." I said in response to someone picking on me about a physical trait. Who am I and what have you done with Rebekah???? I have navigated life looking for proof that I do indeed suck as I so firmly believed. Everything was filtered through this belief...that I was unworthy. I looked for approval in men that could not offer that for me. I sought out the ones who wouldn't or couldn't love me well so that my erroneous belief was justified. I have been in therapy for YEARS trying to solve the unsolvable...and on my last visit my therapist and I did a happy dance because I FINALLY GET IT. The God of the universe, the Alpha and Omega, my Savior and Redeemer already judged me worthy. He saw what He created and said it was good. He knit me together in my mother's womb. And He IS beauty. He doesn't make junk. How infuriating it must have been to Him for me to believe the opposite. I don't regret living my life in a fog of unworthiness because it has led me to where I am. But Damn, Gina, I could've saved myself a few tears. Ok, LOTS of tears. And others also...all because of the belief that I wasn't worth it. My friend didn't have to hold me while I cried this time. I'm 40 years old and just now feel worthy of love. Here's to doing life differently. Bottoms up!