Angry at God

I wasn't planning on going.  I was happy to stay in my pjs and putz around my house alone.  I hadn't gone out the night before, suprisingly, so was completely rested and clear headed.  My head hit the pillow at 9 p.m. and I didn't move until 6 a.m. the next morning.  But as a rule I stay home on Sundays when my boys are with their dad.

But my dad asked me to sell his books at church.  I had a split second to decide and before my brain could come up with all sorts of excuses, I said yes.  I quickly dressed and was out the door in 15 minutes.  Somewhat lamenting my quiet day at home, but happy to do my daughterly duty.

That one decision set something in motion for me.  A change that has been patiently waiting for my spirit to catch up.

My dad preached on not giving up on your goals.  It was a message I'd heard before in various different ways from various different people.  But that day, my spirit was ready to receive it.

My goal is to be the best momma I can possibly be to my boys.

I've been a bit sidetracked for the past 2 and a half years.

I've been seriously angry at God.  Like seething.  Like not-able- to- listen- to- anyone's- success- story- because- I'm- so- angry- at- where- I- am- in- my- own- life angry.  ANGRY.

Typically I sit in church and bemoan my life.  But this day it was different.  I felt like I could breathe without sucking in breath and squeezing it out of my lungs in painfully small puffs.  I was receiving the air fully.  And the message.

I have told myself for two years that I was not fit to be a mom.  I couldn't do the job alone.  I wasn't up to the challenge. I did not adult well.   I couldn't hack it alone.  I needed a man to fix me.  I was a mess.  I couldn't take care of myself much less them.  I wasn't strong enough.  Or good enough.  Other single moms could do it, but I didn't have what it took. 

And because of all these lies I told myself, I chose things over my responsibilities.  My emotions demanded it.  I was drowning in a tub filled with sadness and anger.  And doing my damnedest to ignore both of those things.  I sat at a bar when I should have been working.  I let other people take care of my boys so I could feed whatever damaged need I was having at the moment.  I neglected my friends who knew me well enough to see what I was doing and found others who didn't.  I came up with all sorts of excuses to justify my behavior.  But deep down I knew that it was simply because I. Was. ANGRY.

My boys were these terrifying little needy creatures that did not get with this belief.  They believed I was the best mom in the world.  They hugged me like I did not just yell at them or forget to get milk.  Or was late picking them up.  Or forgot to give them their vitamins.  Or forgot to wash their school uniforms.  Or let other people care for them.  They wanted to be with me though I was dark and uninviting.  Their love for me was steadfast though my love for myself had taken a long vacation somewhere in the Bahamas.  Regardless of how hard I tried, they weren't going to stop loving me.  Or go away.

I lied to myself for two years about who I was.  I told myself I was no good.  That God had made an error when He made me.  I told myself that I was weak.  Poor.  Misguided.  Victim to my stupidity.  Crazy.  Feeble.  No good.  Alone.  Worthless.  I was a mistake and would never be able to get it together.

But I know better.  I am created by the Most High God.  He did not make a mistake when He knit me together.  He looked at me and said I was good.  I am no victim.  I am not a poor man.  I'm covered by His love.  I am no orphan.  I am not alone.

That day in church, God and I stood face to face.  And instead of wanting to spit at Him as was typical for me, I put myself in the folds of His great stature.  And my anger subsided.



https://youtu.be/FxmDMqc15Ak

[Verse 1]

I am no victim, I live with a vision

I'm covered by the force of love

Covered in my Savior's blood

I am no orphan, I'm not a poor man

The kingdom's now become my own

And with the King I have a home

[Pre-Chorus]

He's not just reviving

Not simply restoring

Greater things have yet to come

Greater things have yet to come

[Verse 2]

'Cause He is my Father, I do not wonder

If His plans for me are good

If He'll come through like He should

'Cause He is provision and enough wisdom

To usher in my brightest days

To turn my mourning into praise

[Pre-Chorus]

He's not just reviving

Not simply restoring

Greater things have yet to come

Greater things have yet to come

[Interlude]

We just fix our eyes on You, Jesus, today

What You said, will reign

Just lift up your eyes, let your faith 'rise

[Bridge]

I am who He says I am

He is who He says He is

I'm defined by, all His promises

Shaped by, every word He says

I am who He says I am

He is who He says He is

I'm defined by, all His promises

Shaped by, every word He says

Oh-oooh!...

[Chorus 1]

I'm no victim, I live with a vision

I'm covered by the force of love

Covered in my Savior's blood

I am no orphan, I'm not a poor man

The kingdom's now become my own

And with the King, I have a home

He is my Father

He is provision and enough wisdom

I am no victim

Oh, I am no victim

[Bridge]

I am who He says I am

He is who He says He is

I'm defined by, all His promises

Shaped by, every word He says

I am who He says I am

He is who He says He is

I'm defined by, all His promises

Shaped by, every word He says

Oh, I am who He says I am

He is who He says He is

I'm defined by, all His promises

Shaped by, every word He says

I am who He says I am

He is who He says He is

I'm defined by, all His promises

Shaped by, every word He says

Oh, I am who He says I am

He is who He says He is

I'm defined by, all His promises

Shaped by, every word He says

Oh-oooh!... declare

[Chorus 2]

I'm no victim, I live with a vision

I'm covered by the force of love

Covered in my Savior's blood

I am no orphan, I'm not a poor man

The kingdom's now become my own

And with the King, I have a home, home

I have a home