I'm sitting in my new house, in my new office, overlooking my back yard. My office also serves as a walk-in closet. So my clothes and belts are eyeballing me as I write.
I had some of my besties over to celebrate my arrival in my new home. These women, aside from God and my family, propelled me to this place with their love and support.
I suspect it wasn't always easy to be my friend. I had a lot of chaos in my life after Mike and I separated. I went through stages where I was afraid to be a momma and shirked my responsibilities, I went through needing to be a momma so I could feel OK, and finally to where I am now....loving each role I've been given with equal fervor.
I have been processing how Jesus wants me to live my life. I sometimes feel the familiar condemnation of how I live creep up on me and I start being disappointed in myself and slightly depressed. This is not a great feeling. It means all the sticky notes I have posted to remind myself that I have value are thrown in the trash and replaced with the old affirmations that I generally suck as a person. So that option is not beneficial. Instead, I am viewing myself as I view my kids.
Jesus gave us rules and guidelines to abide by because He knew it would lead to us being the most excellent version of ourselves. Not to inhibit us or to cause shame, but simply to propel us to greater living. He knows that I am a better person when I spend quality time with my kids. He knows that I am the fullest version of myself when I work out and stay out of bars. He knows that I am the enhanced Rebekah when I date cautiously and choose my close friends wisely. He knows that eating junk food puts a damper on my best self. He knows that respecting myself is beneficial to my soul and surrounding myself with people who value me increases my joy.
He just knows me.
In my youth and ignorance, I assumed His rules were simply to keep me tied up and imprisoned. I assumed He didn't want good things for me. I assumed He gave me impossible guidelines for living because He wanted me to feel badly about myself. He wasn't the picture of love and acceptance in my head but more a picture of disappointment and shame. How very wrong I was.
When I give my boys rules to follow, I make sure they are aware it is because I love them and want what's best for them. They don't get it. They grunt and sulk and sit on the other side of the room full of anger.
I get this response because I have lived most of my life this way.
What ends up happening is that we ascribe characteristics to God that are not at all who He is. We make Him into a crotchety old nun who is appalled and disgusted by our behavior and ready with the measuring stick to smack us on our hands when we mess up. And we mess up. Often. The result is shame, distrust and red, stinging hands.
How infuriated this picture must make Him.
I worry incessantly about the damage the divorce has done to my boys. I blame myself for much of their faults. I worry about their feelings of safety and stability.
But the truth is, their stability comes from knowing they are LOVED. LOVE never fails. LOVE won't give up on them. LOVE will comfort them and keep them. LOVE is the answer to all their questions and doubts. LOVE will be there when momma isn't.
I had a period of doubting my ability to provide stability for my boys. I was intent on finding someone to help me...a roommate, boyfriend, friend. Anyone. I was desperate and scared.
And here I sit...all grown up in my closet and my new house. And full of LOVE.
LOVE never fails me.
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