One Screwed up Momma

I have been told more than I care to embrace that I am screwed up.  Usually from people who are upset with something I've done or said.  They make this statement and then proceed to give me reasons why this is true.  I try to tune them out, but I'm too curious for that so I end up hearing every word they say.  Sometimes they are right.  Sometimes they are wrong.  I always regret listening.

What I have decided is that their assessment of me doesn't matter unless I value their opinion.  And this is a tricky plank to walk.

In the past, I have allowed all sorts of input from all sorts of people into my life.  I listened to bartenders, new employees, acquaintances, random business people, ex-boyfriends, ex-in-laws, ex-friends, clients...and the list goes on.  I allowed their assumptions of my life to shape some of my decisions.  I allowed their assumptions to shape who I was becoming.

I threw my pearls before swine and expected to get them back.  Instead, I walked away empty handed and poorer than I was.

This past week I had two people tell me about myself.  And honestly, I don't know whether it was kind or not because once I realized the point of the text I stopped reading it.  I knew I couldn't afford to hear their opinions of me, and knowing myself I would be unnecessarily upset over someone whose opinion doesn't matter.

I heard a teacher say recently, "Why are you minding my business?" to two little people who were listening in on a conversation they were not a part of.  I chuckled out loud and decided I would adopt that saying.

I catch myself minding others' business as well.  I want to give them opinions on how they should live their life, or handle their kids...what they should say in response to a situation or what job they should go for.  I have all sorts of opinions about everything and everyone.  But I also know I am not them...I do not think like they do.  I do not have the same experiences.  I don't know their families well or their backgrounds.  I don't know their strengths, their weaknesses, their fears.  All I know is some shallow information that happened to come into my view.  If I were to give them an opinion, that's exactly what it would be....shallow.

But there are a few whose words do matter.  I trust them implicitly.  I know they love me unconditionally.  They know me.  I know them.  I respect them.  They respect me.  We have time and history to affirm the strength of our relationship.  We have mutually earned the role of opinion giver.

The tricky part is knowing when to guard the treasure of your intimate life and when to share it.

I'm not great at this.  I put myself out there too much.  I invite opinions because of this.  But I'm finding as God and I work on my self-esteem, I'm able to hone this trait.

Because I am indeed screwed up.

I change my mind.  I say one thing and do another because I changed my mind and forgot to fill you in on this new development.  I share too much.  I keep an overly tidy house and am not thrilled with people messing it up.  I nag my children.  I'm often late because I think clocks lie.  I'm hard to please as a boss.  I can't hang if it's late.  I'm a terrible nurse.  I have very little empathy in my body for illness.  I'm too generous when I can't afford to be and sometimes this means I can't pay a bill.

I have plenty of reasons to be judged.  I have plenty of space for opinions.

But the beauty about knowing you belong to the God of the Universe is there is a reason He gave me "flaws."  In the new Jumanji, the venom "weakness" saved her.  Our "weaknesses" are our strengths because it means we are in need of a Savior.

And life without the Savior aka Jesus is a life bankrupt of beauty and truth...and one I have no interest in living.