I was driving through north Louisiana with my parents and got a random message from someone I knew a long time ago. Someone that knew me before my divorces...before my kids...before my attitude became pessimistic and apathetic. His view of me was that I had the personality able to change lives...that I lit up a room... His opinion of me sounded foreign and perhaps uninformed because the girl who wears her clothes now is a far cry from the girl in his memory.
Before my trip, I asked a dear friend if I was good dating material. I respect him and knew I shouldn't ask the question if I didn't want the truth. His response was (something alone these lines), "Well, you're a conservative Baptist on one hand and a party girl on the other. It's a hard sell."
I'm typically attracted to men that are unlike my father. They aren't church goers. They are blue collar workers. They are the men of country songs. They viewed my Southern Baptist family who sings before we eat, reads the Bible around the table, and quotes scripture together as odd and somewhat comical.
I have often thought that I was not good enough for someone like my dad. Not that blue collared workers are less than professional men...this is far from the truth. But they are not labeled socially as "intellectuals", and this is the difference in my head. I had this idea of what I deserved and someone seemingly smarter than me was always terrifying. It accentuated every negative thought I had about myself. I aimed towards those I could out-debate...out-manipulate...out-think. Not that this was the reality, but it was one I was comfortable with. The illusion was comfortable.
This is perhaps why I have not been successful in relationships. In an attempt to eradicate my past, I have instead heightened its importance.
For perhaps I am who my family is. Perhaps I am still the girl in her twenties who led a ministry, who wrote devotionals, who led Bible studies. Who is at her core attracted to men similar to her father.
Perhaps it's time my path takes me back to my roots. Despite the hard work I have put into removing them, they have stubbornly dug themselves in deeper.
This girl may just be tired of fighting her beautiful history.
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