Being my typical forthcoming and direct self, I made my way over to him so we could pass the time and talk about our children. I hadn't brought anything aside from my case file, so the boredom and cold was eating at me. I also wanted him to understand what had happened from my perspective to bring us to this place. The conversation was needed, but didn't give me the peace I was hoping for.
Peace with an ex husband perhaps is not attainable.
This conversion of all things legal in relation to our boys began a chain of thought that ended with the realization that I had successfully survived the stages of grief.
Two years later and I am finally healing.
My friend and I were discussing the nuances of relationships. She is having a difficult time with her boyfriend, and contemplating the decision to leave. This is not a foreign topic to us. We discuss all things relational often. But I heard myself tell her something that usually is not a part of my typical responses: "It's not the easy times that make you grow...you grow and change because of the difficult times. So maybe this is just simply to make you stronger as a couple if you love each other through this."
(Pause while I have a conversation with my dog who apparently needs to potty for the fifth time in the last five minutes. I believe she is just bored and wants to play outside.)
I had this thought last night about my stainless steel cleaner, Sheila Shine. I set an alarm on my phone with the label, "Sheila Shine" so I wouldn't forget to process the thought. Sheila Shine is the best stainless product I've ever used and can never get the stainless appliances to look anywhere close to the way it looks when I use this product. When I clean the stainless without it, it ends up looking streaky and dull. Every imperfection is noticeable. Every mar on the stainless begs attention. It is a subpar substitution for the good stuff.
Relationships without love and forgiveness are like stainless steel appliances without Sheila. They end up dull and streaky, noticeably marred and imperfect. They have lost their shine.
Every relationship I've had ended because we did not have the tools necessary to overcome difficulties. The answer has always been to disconnect and terminate. Perhaps that was the best solution. That was most likely the only tool we had.
But I am confident of this: relationships without love and forgiveness will either end or be lackluster. Like my stainless without Sheila. And I am confident of my desire to never be in a lackluster relationship again.
For the past few months my heart has been restless. I continued to live as I have before...like the broken girl who avoids pain at all cost. But the things that used to give me relief instead started causing more pain. I saw a trend in small changes. My passion for playing the piano was renewed, the men who used to entertain me and pass the time no longer appealed to me. The work I used to enjoy became mundane. Alcohol started to become suspiciously unsatisfying. The endless Netflix shows became noise in the background. My non-attendance at church became suspect instead of purposeful. I was just restless.
(Suspicions about dog confirmed. It was play she was looking for. Not a potty break.)
God has intentionally drawn me to Himself. I never lost Him. I was never without prayer. But I was without His fullness. I was lackluster.
The main focus of my life is finally to live in abundance. To live an intentional life. Instead of existing in survival mode, I am now able to live a calculated life with purpose. And that life includes living and breathing the Creator who has carried me through every disappointment, every heartbreak, every obstacle in my life that could have destroyed me. The girl of two years ago that was staring at the seven stages of grief with despair and hopelessness is unrecognizable to who I am now.
And in order to survive future heartbreak and obstacles, I have to hone the skills needed for love and forgiveness. Sheila and I have some intentional living to do.
Rolling River God
Little Stones are smooth
Only once the water passes through
So I am a stone
Rough and grainy still
Trying to reconcile this river's chill
But when I close my eyes
And feel you rushing by
I know that time brings change
And change takes time
And when the sunset comes
My prayer would be this one
That you might pick me up
And notice that I am
Just a little smoother in your hand
Sometimes raging wild
Sometimes swollen high
Never have I known this river dry
The deepest part of you
Is where I want to stay
And feel the sharpest edges wash away
And when I close my eyes
And feel you rushing by
I know that time brings change
And change takes time
And when the sunset comes
My prayer would be just this one
That you might pick me up
And notice that I am
Just a little smoother in your hand
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