Falling Upwards

My beautiful friend came over yesterday with her son.  I had had a very trying day.  I was feeling heavy because of the anniversary of Graham's near fatal drowning, I had cleaned about 25 toilets, 7 showers, and four kitchens that day.  I got pulled over on the way home because my son threw a water bottle out the window.  I came home to a dirty house with piles of laundry and dishes in the sink.  I hadn't gone to the grocery store in over a week so we had little food.  My mind was in turmoil over the many bills I have to pay and small amount of money I have to pay them.  I quickly vacuumed in preparation for her visit, and thought while I vacuumed how incredibly difficult it was to keep up with everything.  Every piece of paper in my boys' folder required a different action from me.  Field trip forms and money...homework...studying...book fair reminders...festival t-shirts...dress down day...water bottles...snacks....signing test papers...reading to my sons....it was just too much and I felt like a total failure.  I thought about other moms who brought cupcakes to school and whose kid was always prepared and dressed accordingly.  I was beyond exhausted...way past being stressed.  I needed a friend who understood and God knew this before my day had even happened when He prompted her to text me.

I vented to her my frustrations and fears.  I told her how I had come home the night before to my house with the door wide open and two little boys who were crying for fear that we had been broken into.  I told her how desperate and scared I felt in that moment with being single.  I shared my heart and she listened and got in the pit with me to console me.

She did not judge.  She empathized and listened and loved me.  And I immediately felt a weight lifted because I knew I wasn't alone.

I watched the movie Tully at her suggestion.  It's about a mom who's totally exhausted and has lost herself.  Her husband has not experienced this...men rarely do... all he is able to see is that his once vibrant wife is gone and has been replaced with a zombie covered in stickers and throw up who has bruises on her feet from constantly stepping on leggos.

I get her.

In my moment of frustration and fear yesterday, I had the thought that I was thankful my boys weren't with me for a week at a time.  As much as I miss them, I need help.  And their dad alleviates my stress when they stay with him.  I am finally able to see the benefit, besides my boys bonding with their father, of them being gone.

Being a single parent is incredibly difficult...if not sometimes damn near impossible.  I applaud women who do this without help.  I can't imagine how lost and scared and helpless they feel.

Yet somehow, we rise and overcome.  Somehow, our failures become our falling upwards moments.  We do things we never thought we could.  We surprise ourselves with our abilities and our determination to keep it together so our kids can thrive and be happy.  We have no other choice if we want the best for our kids but to survive...and do it well.

I'm so thankful that it's a new day.  I'm so thankful that I have another opportunity to get it right...to choose words of kindness over criticism when my boys make a mess or disobey.  I get another chance to dance with them while making dinner.  I get another stab at choosing joy over misery.

All because it's a new day. 

And this single momma is a survivor.