Couch Crying

Psalm 84:3

Even the sparrow has found a home, and the swallow a nest for herself where she may have her young.  A place near your alter.

The song, "Gratitude" by Nichole Nordeman reminds me of how much I have to be thankful for.  I have two beautiful boys, an amazing family, equally amazing friends, a business I love, and enough money to provide.  With or without a partner, my life is full.

But as the song ends with a plea for God to provide what is lacking/wanted, I find that my soul is often in that same state of yearning.  I knew how to be a wife...I was good at it.  Being a single mom, however...a bit tricky.  One of my sweet friends texted me yesterday and said that she was thinking of me...as Jesus encourages us to take care of the widows she believes taking care of single moms is also equally important.  Her thoughtfulness combined with an unwelcome text from an ex, and seeming rejection from yet another man triggered a day full of tears and heaviness that I've not allowed myself to feel for a while.  My Apple Watch reminded me multiple times throughout the day to breathe because my heart rate was elevated.  (Big brother was also affected by my tears.)  I could not stop crying to save my life.  

My boys don't see me cry very often.  I generally don't cry.  I'm in survival mode most of the time, so the tears are held at bay so I can function successfully.  And seeing them respond to my tears is enough to continue this lack of tears.  They did not like that I was upset and stayed close to me all day..randomly giving me hugs.  We laid in bed and watched an afternoon movie.   I ended up at my friend's house, though I told her I wasn't fit to be around people, crying on her couch while our kids played.  She's the kind of friend that is not afraid of tears and loves me however I am...blubbering or laughing.  My boys slept in my bed.  I needed them close to me.

In my ingratitude, I yelled at God while I was driving to get my boys.  My windows and sunroof were down and I got some curious looks.  I was that girl in the car who drivers stay away from because she is a seeming crazy person.  I did not care.  In fact, the stares were a welcome reminder that I do, in fact, exist.

On one hand, I am enraged at the injustice of my life...but the other more prominent voice is that I don't deserve good things and I will be more content if I just accept that.

I suppose some of this upset is because I go to court this morning to resolve custody issues.  My parents aren't here to go with me, so I'm bringing the same crying-on-the-couch friend.  She said she will hold my knees when they start shaking.  Hopefully, she is bringing some tissues also.

This is going to be the kind of week that will demand growth and change.  My boys will be gone which will provide forced introspection.  I can't allow myself to stay stuck in a place of ingratitude and yearning.  It will erode what is left of my heart.  I have no choice but to push beyond the pain to find peace.  The kind of peace that can only be imparted by the One who made me.  Even if that means I end up crying on my friend's couch for seven days straight.

"Gratitude"

Send some rain, would You send some rain?

'Cause the earth is dry and needs to drink again

And the sun is high and we are sinking in the shade

Would You send a cloud, thunder long and loud?

Let the sky grow black and send some mercy down

Surely You can see that we are thirsty and afraid

But maybe not, not today

Maybe You'll provide in other ways

And if that's the case... 

We'll give thanks to You with gratitude

For lessons learned in how to thirst for You

How to bless the very sun that warms our face

If You never send us rain

Daily bread, give us daily bread

Bless our bodies, keep our children fed

Fill our cups, then fill them up again tonight

Wrap us up and warm us through

Tucked away beneath our sturdy roofs

Let us slumber safe from danger's view this time

Or maybe not, not today

Maybe You'll provide in other ways

And if that's the case...

We'll give thanks to You with gratitude

A lesson learned to hunger after You

That a starry sky offers a better view

If no roof is overhead

And if we never taste that bread

Oh, the differences that often are between

Everything we want and what we really need

So grant us peace, Jesus, grant us peace

Move our hearts to hear a single beat

Between alibis and enemies tonight

Or maybe not, not today

Peace might be another world away

And if that's the case... 

We'll give thanks to You with gratitude

For lessons learned in how to trust in You

That we are blessed beyond what we could ever dream

In abundance or in need

And if You never grant us peace...

But, Jesus, would You please...