It's been a curious exercise with my brain. When I feel myself getting anxious or upset and wanting to do the thing, I have to close my eyes, breathe deeply, and repeat the word, "gratitude" over and over again. It refocuses me enough to put my brain back on track. I have a few seconds of wanting to revert to what my brain knows, but I marinate in the pain for a few minutes and I emerge a bit better. Then I'm able to enjoy the moment. Even despite the possible tears.
I have been taking long rides with my dog in the back, all windows/sunroof open, and music blaring. Mostly overtly Jesus music. And me and Jesus talk. Sometimes I cry. But mostly I just sing and enjoy the moment. I've been through pain. And God was always there. But I only let Him be on the sidelines, occasionally waving to Him, but mostly playing the game without His input. In the past I have had to work 10 Xs harder to change. If I had included the God of the Universe, it would have been a much smoother transition. I wouldn't be fighting His goodness...I'd be living inside it. This time it felt too big to carry on my own. I knew I couldn't really change without Him being an active and living part of everything I do. I just couldn't carry it alone. I have to let myself be held in every aspect of my life so I end up being a cocoon of Jesus. Surrounded completely and totally in His love and truth. Even the tiniest crack would send me back into that place of despair and "stuck-ness."
Practially, this translates to...I can't watch what I used to watch on Netflix. I can't listen to all my music..some is simply off limits because I can feel it sucking the soul out of me. I can't eat the junk or drink alcohol to excess and some of my previous friends have had to go. I just simply can't afford the unnecessary baggage.
This clarity and reflection has given me an incredible amount of time. I rearranged my living room (and woke up this morning totally confused because it was so different...me and Sadie stared confusedly at one another for a few minutes). I've almost mastered a Chopin piece, I've read, I'm researching possible branches of my business, writing, working out more. I'm a freakin' efficient, productive machine.
I have been saying, "I hate my life" in my head lately. And out loud. So God hears and I hear it on my tongue. And we both pause and chuckle a little because we know it's not true. But it feels true in the moment I say it. I used to let that feeling control me ... I used to let it continue in its lie and I would end up feeling unworthy of anything good. I've allowed myself to feel like a failure for so long, my brain is trained to go there. I would look at other people and think that they deserved good things more than I did.
But the truth is, we are all bankrupt and deprived. We don't deserve anything good. The only reason we have good things is because God is good.
My pushy, wonderful friend told me last when I texted her that I felt incredibly sad to make a list of all the good in my life. So.......the interaction I had with Graham's teacher, that my baby is alive to begin with, when my oldest hugs me because I've been crying, when he talks to me at night after we pray, when he sings while hanging his head out the window, when Graham helps me cook, when we all dance in the kitchen, when my boys sing Jesus loves Me, when I pick them up from school, when I drop them off at school and feel the intensity of my love for them, all things about my boys in general, when I do my single mom's devotion, when my family & friends let me talk about the same stupid topic over and over again, when my parents FaceTime me, when my clients text me that I did a great job, when I listen to Nichole Nordeman, when I listen to Marren Morris...(this is a very long list of music that makes me happy), when I take my Plexus and ItWorks supplements, when I use my Mrs. Meyers hand soap and laundry detergent cuz it smells so good, when I talk to a homeless guy on the corner, when I wave at my grumpy neighbor, when I clean a really dirty house knowing I have just made someone's life a little better, when I watch the sun rise and set, when I put on my Game of Thrones robe in the morning, when I water my plants, when I go to bed at night and don't want to turn my ringer off just in case I get a text from someone, when I hear a love song and it makes me cry, when I swing on the ridiculously long swing my dad hung in my backyard, when I shop on Amazon, when I drink a glass of wine with a good friend, when I eat a Vegan lunch with my Vegan friend, when I wake up in an empty house with my dog wagging her tail, when I run on the levy with my dog, when I write in the wee hours of the morning with a candle that smells yum (that is also Mrs. Meyers), when I read funny Memes, when my fingers run over the keys of the piano, when I do floor exercises and squats and pull ups, when I clean my house, when a friend texts to check on me, when I listen to a Podcast while scrubbing away, when I chat with my gamer friends, when I beat my family in Word Chums, when my boys are happy, when I imagine a man I love and who loves me snuggling with me when I go to sleep, when I drive my car that I freakin' love with the windows down singing at the top of my lungs like a lunatic, when I put on my favorite pair of yoga pants, when I pay bills knowing I only have money because He gave me the ability to make money, when I FaceTime my boys while they're at their dad's which alleviates my longing for them a little, when I diffuse oils, when I take hot baths, when I Marco Polo with people who love me, when I pray for my friends and family, when I go to Whole Foods, when I take that first sip of my French pressed coffee, ... the list is endless. He has knit me in behind and before. There is no room for doubt anymore. I won't be able to be the change I want to see in the world without Him.
I was talking to a friend who is going through a really hard time. She feels lost and scared. And all I could say to her was I knew God was good ... other than that, I don't know crap. (Though I said a lot more crap. Firm eye roll for my excessive need to say too much.)
I heard in a podcast recently that if we want to change our life, it will be at the cost of our old one.
Pause for dramatic effect.
So while my chain gets shorter and shorter, my life will get fuller. And I will be a happy girl who has finally found peace as a single mom.
You're a Good, Good Father
I've heard a thousand stories of what they think you're like
But I've heard the tender whispers of love in the dead of night
And you tell me that you're pleased
And that I'm never alone
You're a good good father
It's who you are, it's who you are, it's who you are
And I'm loved by you
It's who I am, it's who I am, it's who I am
I've seen many searching for answers far and wide
But I know we're all searching
For answers only you provide
'Cause you know just what we need
Before we say a word
You're a good good father
It's who you are, it's who you are, it's who you are
And I'm loved by you
It's who I am, it's who I am, it's who I am
Because you are perfect in all of your ways
You are perfect in all of your ways
You are perfect in all of your ways to us
You are perfect in all of your ways
You are perfect in all of your ways
You are perfect in all of your ways to us
Oh, it's love so undeniable
I, I can hardly speak
Peace so unexplainable
I, I can hardly think
As you call me deeper still
As you call me deeper still
As you call me deeper still
Into love, love, love
You're a good good father
It's who you are, it's who you are, it's who you are
And I'm loved by you
It's who I am, it's who I am, it's who I am
You're a good good father
It's who you are, it's who you are, it's who you are
And I'm loved by you
It's who I am, it's who I am, it's who I am
You're a good good father
It's who you are, it's who you are, it's who you are
And I'm loved by you
It's who I am, it's who I am, it's who I am
You're a good good father
You are perfect in all of your ways
It's who you are, it's who you are, it's who you are
And I'm loved by you
You are perfect in all of your ways
It's who I am, it's who I am, it's who I am
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