This practice in rewarding good behavior has been a reward for me also. It refocuses my attention to my core value...and that is being kind in every circumstance. Instead of dwelling on my negative behavior, I dwell on goodness.
This recent humiliation has been challenging for this, however. I find myself saying over and over, "of course you messed this up, Rebekah. You mess everything up." I own the undesired outcome and make it my fault. I place all the blame squarely on my shoulders and try to carry that along with my seemingly very large and heavy piece of the world, all at once. And of course I'm not strong enough to carry that so it sends me down a spiral that's full of all my negative self-talk that I've worked so hard to get rid of.
"You're a mess, Rebekah."
"You will always be alone, Rebekah."
"You will never find a man who can handle you, Rebekah."
"What you need doesn't exist, Rebekah."
"You run everyone off, Rebekah."
"You should be more normal, Rebekah."
"You should behave like other women do, Rebekah. They are together, so why can't you get with it?"
"You need to be less intense, Rebekah."
"If you had played it right, you would have gotten the guy, Rebekah. But of course you screwed that up with your personality."
...and on and on it goes until I feel like I'm going to throw up the little that I ate that day.
When all I should be saying is,
"We are clearly not a good match."
And leave it at that. End of story. Done. No fault prescribed to either party. Just differences in personality that make us incompatible.
But that's not the whole truth. The whole truth is that I behaved disrespectfully by posting pictures and he returned the sentiment with disrespect.
But one action does not make up the whole of a person.
I was lifting weights with my friend and we were talking about the nightmare that is divorce. (I am a bit sorry for all who are within earshot of us.) We were discussing the many failed attempts at dating in my life since my divorce. And I settled on this comment: it is extremely unfair to be judged as a person when in circumstances that are temporary and extreme.
I was temporarily insane...for two years. How I grappled with divorce and suddenly being a single mom was just my reaction to a terrible situation. Many people do not have to walk through that fire, so they are able to hide their particular version of crazy. But it was a necessary part of my journey, and the ones I met along the way were there just to assist me in my growth and calm some of the crazy.
I've met quite an array of personalities during this journey. Each of them gave me pieces of wisdom that have been important.
There was the man that was a liar. He taught me the importance of proceeding with caution and discernment.
There was the man who was untrustworthy and detached. He taught me the importance of having girlfriends that allowed you to cry without ceasing and would love me despite my foolish decision to keep taking him back.
There was the man who was kind and funny. He taught me the importance of enjoying the moment.
There was the man who was lazy and non-committal. He taught me the importance of following through.
There was the man who was settled in his ways. He taught me the importance of stability.
There was the man who was obsessed with his health. He taught me the importance of discipline.
(Side note...my son is sitting beside me on my desk with gas. It's hard to concentrate with the stench.)
There was the man who was quick to assume and judged me harshly based on one action. He taught me the importance of acceptance, forgiveness and individuality.
None of these were failures. All of them were necessary. I met them in order to change my view of the world, of myself, and of God. I met them so I would be able to accumulate goodness despite the heartaches.
(Another side note...my other son just greeted me with a toot. Boys. Firm eye roll.)
The beauty of life is that we get a new start with each new day. We can decide THAT DAY that we will do things differently. We can decide to show strangers kindness. We can choose to praise good behavior. We can choose to change our negative self-talk to encouragement. We can choose to get up and keep going, even if that means leaving a piece of our broken hearts behind temporarily.
Because one day all the pieces will come back together, and we'll be able to live whole heartedly. And by then the candy jar will be empty.
Second Wind
Marren Morris
Why do we build up all these idols
Just to watch 'em fall?
You're wearin' the crown, toast of the town
And no one takes your call
Yeah maybe I've been down, down, down, down
But I always come back around, 'round, 'round, 'round, yeah
You can't forget about me
While you weren't lookin' I was gettin' even higher
Say what you want about me
Your words are gasoline on my fire
You can hate me, underestimate me
Do what you do cause what you do don't phase me
Just when you think I'm at the end
Any second I'ma catch my second wind
Na na, na na, na na
An airplane's only paper 'til it finds a breeze
But don't you know that it's the low that makes the high so sweet?
When they try to break, break, break you
That's when you get your break, break, breakthrough, yeah
You can't forget about me
While you weren't lookin' I was gettin' even higher
Say what you want about me
Your words are gasoline on my fire
You can hate me, underestimate me
Do what you do cause what you do don't phase me
Just when you think I'm at the end
Any second I'ma catch my second wind
Na na, na na, na na na na
Na na, na na, na na
Yeah maybe I've been down, down, down, down
But I always come back around, 'round, 'round, 'round
You can't forget about me
While you weren't lookin' I was gettin' even higher
Say what you want about me
Your words are gasoline on my fire
You can hate me, underestimate me
Do what you do cause what you do don't phase me
Just when you think I'm at the end
I'ma catch my second wind
I'ma catch my, , na na
I'ma catch my, (na na) I'ma catch my, (na na)
I'ma catch my, (na na) I'ma catch my second wind
Na na, na na, na na (Ohh)
Na na, na na (yeah) na na
Na na, na na, na na
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