Sticky with pain

Let me pre0-empt this by saying I drained my keyboard of plexus after myh son decided to pour it directly on it.  So the keys are a bit hmessed up.  Big sigh.

I woke after a deep night's sleep with this thought:  I deserve better.

I'm not one to believe this. I always err on the side of believing I'm a failure.  Whenever unpleasant things happen to me, I take responsibility for them.  I typically trust others' discernment above my own.  I have a long track record of poor decisions, so trusting myself is challenging.

Believing that I deserve good things right after I open my eyes in the morning is a huge improvement.

I've been trained in trauma since Graham's accident.  I know how to spot the physical triggers before they lead to decisions.  I've done quite a lot of research on how the brain responds to stress.  I'm no stranger to knowledge on this subject.

I learned to lean into the pain of almost losing my son.  I was diligent in doing the exercises to heal that part of my brain and my heart.  I did it so my boys could have a great mother again.  I knew I would be less than amazing if I allowed my traumatized brain to control my life.  I knew I wouldn't sleep, I knew I would live on high alert jumping at the smallest sound. I knew I would be an incapable participant in their discipline.  I knew I would be suffering to keep it together, thus causing them unnecessary pain.  So I dug in and was able to heal. 

But what I have not leaned into is the pain of rejection.  I have avoided leaning into that pain.

I have been listening to a podcast called ''Rise'' by Rachel Hollis.  Her words of wisdom on the subject of rejection and fear have been rolling around in my head for weeks.  But one of the best things I've learned from her is to lean into pain because that pain is trying to tell you something.

When I completely blew up any chance I had with the false alarm I thought was IT (we'll call him Dan), I could not shake the feelings of humiliation.  Even as I type this, my face is getting hot and my heart is starting to beat faster.  Throughout the day,  I would have these subtle thoughts that reminded me I was rejected, and my body chemistry would completely change.  I could be sitting in the carpool line and have a fleeting thought of my miserable failure with Dan, and the hot face would come.  I would be making a snack of hummus and veggies for my boys, and the thought of Dan's rejection would flit through my brain....hot face.  I would be cleaning a toilet...hot face.  Singing in my car...hot face.  Showering...hot face (for more reasons than I like a super hot shower).

After many attempts to make it go away, I finally decided to heed the Hollis advice and lean into it.  get all sticky with the rejection...allow the humiliation to flood over me from head to toe.  so I sat in the pain.  I allowed my brain to work through every angle.  It was an exercise I had been putting off for years.  I worked through every rejection and picked it apart.  I analyzed every action, every word, every feeling.  I dissected the heck out of it until my entire body was hot with humiliation.

And then I napped.

just kidding.  I didn't nap.   I packed it up in a mental suitcase and labeled it, "lies."  And put it in the corner far away from the truth.  Where it belongs.

I'd like to say that my face doesn't get hot anymore, but that would be a stretch.  All I can say is rejection and I are now friends.  I'm not intimidated by him anymore.  I'm not afraid of him anymore.  I'm just accepting that he exists and has a part to play in my journey to be who god created me to be.  (yes i know god should be capitalized but the keuyboard is not cooperating)_.  And who god created me to be should not be stifled by whether a man likes me or not.  If I allowed that to take root in my heart, I'm succumbing to being weak and fragile. 

And this girl has too much living to do to allow that to happen.

I. DESERVE. BETTER.