Today marks 30 days that I successfully broke a habit. This has been a life changing 30 days.
It started with heart break and ended with more beauty than I could have imagined. I started this journey so I would stop a habit that was keeping me from feeling the hurt I knew was there. And man, did I feel it. Buckets of tears. Anger. Lots and lots of loud Jesus music and long drives.
But somewhere along those 30 days, I moved past the pain and into peace. The peace that has been waiting for me for three, long years. When I talk about my divorce, the main theme of the conversation is acceptance. Acceptance for the stages that I had to go through to bring me here. To the endless string of dates, the abuse of alcohol, the poor eating habits, the questionable friendships, the lackluster parenting, the lack of drive, the lack of beauty, the lack of Jesus...I had to go through it all. Yes, I delayed it more than I wish I had. But I can't guarantee that a lack of delay would have given me the same, beautiful result.
I'm now the girl who considers her children when making decisions. I'm now the girl that chooses her dates carefully. I'm now the girl who thinks about what she puts in her mouth before she does it. I'm now the girl who makes time alone to read and pray and write. I'm now the girl who works out consistently, who works consistently, who takes care of her bills and her responsibilities with joy and fervor.
I have a dear friend who is fresh in the throes of separation and possible divorce. She is suffering tremendously. She is drinking her pain away. She isn't eating. She is having a hard time going to work. My heart hurts for her. But I didn't totally remember what it was like to feel like you have given up on life. My sister had to remind me. (She is my memory keeper...for better or worse.) She reminded me that I was also desperate and lost and had very little ability to function. When she reminded me, the detailed memories started coming back. And all I was able to say to my friend after that was, "it's just going to be painful...for a really long time...."
But you forget the details of your despair. And peace eventually finds you.
In the midst of the worst part of my attempt to recover after divorce, I met a man who told me that I was full of red flags. He said he was looking for someone who was further along in the divorce process.
At the time, it just seemed hurtful and judgmental. Now I completely get it. I'm not anywhere close to the girl I was. That girl did NOT have her s*&t together. That girl did NOT make well informed decisions. That girl was NOT living an intelligent life with self-discipline and drive. That girl was flying by the seat of her pants, with her hair on fire, and her soul a discombobulation of emotions and coping skills. That girl had a lot of growing to do. And he was right to pass me by.
My only serious relationship after my divorced contacted me. This man caused me so much pain. I was fresh out of my divorce and was lost and scared. And I loved him intensely. And have welcomed him back into my life every time he contacted me before. But this time I was able to kindly tell him I was grateful for what he taught me about myself, but I'm not that girl that would fall in love with someone like him anymore. Our time has passed.
I'm now in the shoes of the red flag man...regarding people with caution and logic. I'm the one turning down potential love interests.
All because my friend insisted I do a 30 day challenge to break a habit. (Bless you, Jeana.) I not only broke the hell out of that habit, but I found myself along the way. And she's pretty cool.
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