The amazing thing about God is that He wants only good things for us. And He is happy to bestow them upon us if we are willing recipients. And He keeps attempting to give them to us despite our stupid behaviors and ignorance. He is incredibly persistent. I love this about Him. I tried many different avenues besides His goodness since my husband departed. Sex, drugs, rock and roll were all tested. And not shockingly all failed. I was clamoring for something that would not be reachable until I just gave it up and plopped myself down before His feet. Jesus' feet, that is. (I hope they have been washed. I'm not a fan of stinky feet.)
I was fearful of being the same girl from long ago that believed people were good. I was afraid of being judgmental (side note: I always have to use autocorrect for that word and I'm a great speller usually). I was afraid of speaking in Christian ease...unknown to those who don't know Jesus. Like REALLY know Him. I was afraid of being set apart and placed into the category of Christians because we don't have a great reputation. I was afraid of being the good church goer. So I fought it. Hard. And long. Like my temperament. I have to try everything 100% before I realize it's not for me. And surprise, surprise...my life is complete only when I'm wrapped in Jesus.
This is not a really difficult concept to grasp. We are who we are supposed to be only when we acknowledge our maker in all things. He is the fullness of who we are. He wants good things for us and knows that anything He is not in will not fulfill us. He knows that we won't find goodness in subpar living. He knows that sex, drugs and rock and roll will only dull our senses and slowly suck the life out of us. (I love me some Led Zeppelin so that is possibly the exception.) He knows that we won't have mental clarity without Him. So He steers us towards Himself.
We are typically too ignorant to listen. This girl is tired of being ignorant.
I have been praying without ceasing for a certain outcome in a confusing situation. I'm not sure that will change the reality. But I pray anyways. I trust that God has got it. And my heart will carry on as it should if my prayers aren't answered. Prayer changes me...it brings me closer to the one I love...so pray I will.
I went driving yesterday to listen to my new favorite song over and over. There is nothing more satisfying to my soul than driving with the top open, windows down, loud music playing. It's just me, God, the wind and the open road. There are cars around unfortunately, but they are insignificant to me in this space. Not that I'm driving with disregard to the tons of steel around me, but you get my point. It's in this place that my heart is completely open and vulnerable. It's where God and I have had the most profound discussions. It's where my anger and frustrations manifest. It's the place where I speak my fears and my tears. If my cars could speak, they would know all my secrets and all my desires. They would be able to tell on me. I'm thankful for their silence for if my secrets were out I would have to move to a remote land in a cabin without the internet. OK, maybe Netflix. And it would definitely have a porch swing.
My construction paper chain is the only chain this girl is interested in.
You Know Me
You have been and You will be
You have seen and You will see
You know when I rise and when I fall
When I come or go You see it all
You hung the stars and you move the sea
And still You know me
Whoa oh oh oh oh oh oh
oh oh oh You know me [repeat]
Nothing is hidden from Your sight
Wherever I go, You find me
You know every detail of my life
You are God and You don't miss a thing
You memorize me
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