As much as I love the show, I know it's not reality. For most. We don't have meaningful conversations. We don't communicate well. We don't hug on cue or fight well. We aren't cute when we have breakdowns. We don't have well-timed, witty comebacks. And mostly we experience our pain alone.
Life is more of a fumbled football or a missed goal. Mostly we don't get it right. Mostly we miss opportunities to say what we mean. Mostly we miss out on genuine affection and timed humor. Mostly we say awkward things and communicate poorly.
Mostly we miss out on connection.
On the rare occasion that we do get it right, our life seems made. Sometimes we do connect with others. Sometimes we do have a witty comeback timed just right. Sometimes we do hug when we should. Sometimes our conversations are meaningful and we're able to say exactly what we mean. Sometimes we are able to be vulnerable and that vulnerability is well received. Sometimes we aren't alone in our pain.
I have found that those rare moments are the moments which have defined my relationships. It's what kept me from giving up. Or holding on longer than I should.
I can pinpoint moments in each of my romantic relationships that caused me to align my heart with theirs. In one relationship, it was when I was walking away because I was ashamed of my tears and he chased me, grabbed my hand, and walked alongside me while I cried. In another relationship, it was being held tight when I realized I was pregnant and scared. It was a raw moment of genuine connection. In another, I looked across the room at a social function and found he was staring at me in admiration and telling a colleague how amazing I was. Another time, we napped on the couch, our faces within inches of each other and our hands intertwined. One scared me by hiding when I opened the door to let him in my house. We giggled unhinged.
Each of these moments caused us to seek out genuine companionship in each other because we got a glimpse of what it was like. Perhaps there is something more...or so we tell ourselves....so we explore deeper. Only to be disappointed. Typically.
When I was searching in earnest for a mate a year ago, I read all sorts of nonsensical material. "How to Keep Your Man Committed for Life"
"How to Get Any Man you Want"
"How to Act like a Lady but Think Like a Man"
"Why Men Love Bitches"
......and the list goes on......and on. Our modern society of lonely people is not short on books to read for how to get companionship.
In one of the trite books I read, I remember being baffled by a statement that at the time was something unfathomable for me. It said, "the best way to make a man want you is to genuinely not care whether he is into you or not."
Duh. I thought to myself. Of course. If I didn't care, why would I have bought this book? What an asinine statement to make to women desperate enough to have this book as part of their collection. Firm Eye Roll.
But I vowed to work on it. Like the desperate woman I was who had just purchased said book.
Sometimes, however, you are genuinely just NOT READY for change. Your brain hasn't endured the necessary steps to get you to the place of wanted change. Resources for said change haven't emerged. Friends who are supposed to aid you along in this change are busy. Experiences haven't yet come your way that would catapult you into said change. You haven't met the one person that would push you to change. You genuinely have no choice but to wait sometimes.
After a year, I finally get the statement. Because I have changed. I no longer care whether I "get" the guy. Genuine connection should take more than just a moment. It should be a string of moments that change how you feel about someone. It shouldn't be easy. According to google, the chance of you meeting someone you have a genuine connection with is 1%. (Everything on the internet is true, just FYI).
It is just NOT us.
It makes complete sense to me why so many relationships fail. We have settled for the mediocre connections. We have settled for those who don't quite get us...don't quite respect us...don't quite love us. And vice versa.
What the show does portray very well is that life is difficult. And connections have to be damn near indestructible to survive the difficulty. Or you just have to be paired with someone who is equally as stubborn as you and will press on with or without connection.
What it doesn't portray well is that each of the characters in their immediate family found their 1%...
Pause for dramatic effect.
What is fabulously sad is that we are an incredibly LONELY society of people who are FABULOUSLY afraid of genuine connection. So even if your 1% has come across your path, the likelihood of you discovering this fact is slim because we hide behind walls and walls, GREAT FREAKIN' WALLS OF CHINA of false toughness and illusions of independence.
And we have a ridiculously low tolerance for pain.
So we choose, instead, to forgo the connection and find it in what is convenient and non-threatening. We choose, largely, to cry alone. So we can Ugly Cry. Super Cry. And there is no one there to judge our weakness.
I found my 1%...they are 5 and 7...and they are SO Me.
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