Dane Cook is dating a 19 yr. old. She was 18 when they started dating. He is 45.
This makes me want to throw up.
This used to be an acceptable practice...men taking child brides. Back when women were commodities good only for child birth, food, and marriage. It wasn't unusual for a man in his 40s to take a teen bride. It wasn't considered horrific. It was the norm. (Side note: this still exists in some societies.)
Now, however, women are equal to men. In our society, at least. Or we're supposed to be. We can buy houses, vote, run for president, choose NOT to bear children. We juggle careers, school, parenthood, solid relationships. We do not need a man to succeed in life anymore. We are pretty amazing. We have risen to greatness because we had much to overcome.
I am often troubled by the lack of respect women have for themselves...the lack of respect that I have for myself. I find that I, too, have bought into the lie that I am good only for sex, child birth and food. I, too, have made choices based on this limited value of myself. Being a single woman, this is a tricky line to walk. In the dating world post divorce, I have often found it to be true that a man doesn't have interest in me unless I am willing to sleep with them. The thought of waiting until I know someone is rather extraordinary and not at all the norm. Forget the idea that you wait until marriage to have sex. That is simply an outdated idea for divorcees...like taking a teen bride.
For all my conservative baptist friends/family, the thought of this is probably appalling. But they are in marriages and have not had to face this reality. It's quite easy to judge when you do not have to walk in the shoes of another. When you don't have to function in the world of dating as a divorcee...when the likelihood of you actually finding another mate is slim you deal with what you're given. And in our sex-crazed society, sex is a vital part of getting to know someone. Right or wrong. It is what it is. Without sex there is a deficit in your relationship that can only be overcome in the bedroom. Or so we think.
I have had to overcome this idea that I am good only for sex. Many times I have cried with my girlfriends about how demeaned I felt because they were the only ones who wanted to know who I really was....they were the only ones who actually took time to get to know me. They wanted to spend time with me because they enjoyed my brain and my personality. Their love for me extends beyond my skin. Which makes it a deep relationship that actually provides connection for my soul. So why couldn't this translate to an intimate relationship?
I have gone through many different stages of dating since my divorce. The last stage was earnestly trying to find a partner...someone who got me, who appreciated me, who enjoyed spending time with me. Someone who was healthy and who had minimal red flags. I began to see only those who did not pressure me about sex. I did date someone who fit this criteria and was utterly confused the whole time. I was in new territory. I did not know how to get to know someone without sex being a factor. Because of that, I found new ways to destroy the relationship because I knew it was inevitable anyways...right? Nothing lasts that I had found. And the requirements for having a steady relationship are something I don't quite get yet. And poor guy was one of the first healthy relationships I had experienced...which meant it was a conglomeration of fumbles and failures on my part. I did not know how to communicate with him. I had been stripped of the one communication that I was familiar with. I had to actually talk to him. I told myself that he didn't really care about me or how I felt, so I chose not to communicate. I distanced myself from him because I was too raw. The vulnerability made me scared in a way I hadn't previously experienced. So I ran from it. My brain chose the flight response as a way of protecting me. He saw me without my usual props. He didn't like me so it ended.
Pause for dramatic effect.
As a result, I have discarded the hope of finding someone and have decided to just enjoy dating. I no longer worry about getting to know someone because that test failed miserably. It still ended. I had just given myself more than I usually did in that time frame. And it still broke my heart.
So if the results are the same...relationships ending...then why change the behavior? They say you can't expect different results if you do the same thing. But I did something different and got the same result.
Which makes me think that perhaps we as divorcees in this current climate do not know how to form healthy relationships with each other. We have been too hurt. We are too damaged. We have kids to worry about and careers to maintain. Our hearts are no longer accessible to others. So sex becomes the only way that we can connect. Or the only "safe" way, rather.
Randall Collins, the great American sociologist who’s been writing on the subject for decades ..., argues quite persuasively that human sexuality can be fully understood only in a social context. Human beings, fundamentally, are distinctly, spectacularly social. Lonely and isolated, we cannot survive, let alone thrive. For us, power and meaning emerge through making connections. Sexual desire, thus, is not chiefly aimed at physical pleasure or the production of children, but at connectedness with others. Sexual pleasure is fundamentally a social construct, an emergent property of social exchange. -- Noam Sphancer, Psychology Today
So if our idea of what is right or normal changes...dating someone who is 19 when you are 45 now is just gross... then that also extends to how we approach sex as divorcees. Taking that off the table completely no longer works. It is, in fact, how we interact as social beings who are divorced.
I do not view it as disrespectful any longer. It simply is. Period. It is. I find my respect not in how others treat me, but how I treat myself. If I allow myself to be degraded, then I am degraded regardless of the action of the other party. If I approach it with the full knowledge of what it is, then my dignity is still intact.
But with or without it...my heart is still broken.
(Since I was thinking about my last relationship, I played my Depeche Mode Pandora station...this was the song that played first. Ironic. Pause for dramatic effect.)
https://youtu.be/IsvfofcIE1Q
Master and Servant
Depeche Mode
It's a lot, it's a lot, it's a lot, it's a lot
It's a lot, it's a lot, it's a lot, like life
There's a new game we like to play you see
A game with added reality
You treat me like a dog
Get me down on my knees
We call it master and servant
We call it master and servant
It's a lot like life
This play between the sheets
With you on top and me underneath
Forget all about equality
Let's play master and servant
Let's play master and servant
It's a lot like life and that's what's appealing
If you despise that throwaway feeling
From disposable fun
Then this is the one
Domination's the name of the game in bed or in life
They're both just the same
Except in one you're fulfilled at the end of the day
Let's play master and servant
Let's play master and servant
Master and servant
It's a lot, it's a lot, it's a lot, it's a lot
It's a lot, it's a lot, it's a lot, like life
It's a lot, it's a lot, it's a lot, it's a lot
It's a lot, it's a lot, master and servant
It's a lot, it's a lot, it's a lot, it's a lot
It's a lot, it's a lot, it's a lot, like life
It's a lot like life and that's what's appealing
If you despise that throwaway feeling from disposable fun
Then this is the one
Let's play master and servant
Come on, master and servant
Let's play master and servant
Come on, master and servant
Let's play master and servant
Come on, master and servant
No comments:
Post a Comment