It was all I could do to contain my middle finger. I could feel it aching to shoot up and say in one motion what my mouth could not speak. But I refrained and just screamed it loudly when I got into my car.
I may be a southern woman, but sometimes a well placed curse word is necessary to keep the lava from spilling into your soul.
The gentleman (I hesitate to even call him that) was a nosy neighbor who degraded me in about five seconds. It was his mission. I think he seriously woke up that morning and decided that he was going to find a woman to belittle that day. I was the chosen recipient. He was a cop. And I was a woman in distress. He was not protecting me in that moment. He was protecting his ego.
I have an amazing dad. He blows most men out of the water. But like most fathers, he was focused on providing for his family when I was younger and unintentionally left me feeling exposed and scared when I was a teen. I didn't have the kind of dad who would open the door with a shotgun when I went on a date. He was too kind for that. Or he was gone. I suppose because of this, I looked for men who I felt would beat up anyone for hurting me. I succeeded a few times in finding that trait. But mostly, I just felt alone and degraded. Much like how I felt when I encountered the cop who was the recipient of my silent finger.
I told a man the other day that he shouldn't mess with single mothers. We are a special breed of women. We are heartily wary of almost everyone. We don't trust easily. We are feisty. We are strong (simply because our situation calls for it, not because we necessarily love it). We have kids who rely on our mental health and our financial stability. We don't have the luxury that most married women do of falling apart. Survival for our kids is always the driving force behind every decision. We cannot afford to be lied to or played with. We simply don't have the time or the emotion.
I find that the longer I am single the more I am manifesting what are typically "masculine" traits.
Traits traditionally viewed as masculine in Western society include courage, independence, violence, and assertiveness. (Wikipedia)
Check on that. I have become more confrontational. I am not likely to empathize with people I consider to be weak. I am not afraid of much aside from the many things that could hurt my boys or getting hurt again myself. I am fiercely independent. And check on the violence...road rage is creeping into my lovely array of personality traits. Not to mention the urge I have to use my middle finger more often than I would care to admit.
I don't expect men to protect me or care for me. (Except my dad who is now brilliant at this in his old age.) They don't seem to have the desire to exercise this ability. Perhaps it's because I give off the FU vibe and they are aware of how often my middle finger twitches. Or perhaps they are evolving into men who exhibit what are typically feminine traits.
Traits traditionally cited as feminine are gentleness, empathy and sensitivity. (Wikipedia)
So if my situation calls for me to be the "man" of the household, then my chances of pairing with a protector are slim.
But how I would love the luxury of falling apart knowing someone has my back.
In the meantime, I have a middle finger and I'm not afraid to use it. Unless you're a pompous cop. Then I'll just yell it in the safety of my car.
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