I left to take Brady to school and said goodbye to Graham. I was coming right back to get him. When I came back, my parents said Graham was upset that I left. "Not even Nina and Papa could make him feel better about his mom being gone." Thank goodness for that because soon they will understand what it means to be without their grandparents.
Months ago my aunt began asking how I would be when my parents moved. I was confused by her concern and thought to myself, "I'm a grown woman who has lived here for 20+ years. Why wouldn't I be fine?" But sitting by my parents this past Sunday knowing their decision would soon be made public verified that she should indeed be concerned.
Sometimes adults just know better. (I say with a bit of irony as I am technically also Adult-ish.)
I have not quite been able to keep it together since their announcement. I'm near tears most of the time. Things that are not usually upsetting make me cry. I'm thoroughly frightened of raising my boys without their grandparents around. My parents. I'm a bit of a mess these days.
Like Graham, no one can make me feel better about my parents being gone.
It is not atypical for us to be found at their breakfast table. My boys gather the eggs, harass the chickens and play outside with their papa. My mom and I drink coffee and argue jokingly over how much chocolate milk she gives my son and share stories about cleaning (she also did this as a job for a bit). I share my daily life with them. I see them at least three times a week and talk to them daily. I steal groceries from them. I use their washer to wash my king sized bedding. When I tire of corralling my boys in my tiny apartment, I go to their house. I steal their Plexus when I run out. My mom often does my shopping for me. My dad maintains my car for me. If something goes wrong, I call them and they assist me in finding a solution. They often are themselves the solution.
The ease and accessibility of our relationship has protected me. I haven't felt a great amount of pressure to find a forever home because their home is that to us.
This sudden fear of being a single momma without my parents must be something that a great many single parents feel immediately. You learn to be OK with not being there for your kids. You learn to let other people who are not family help you.
Unbeknownst to me, God has been preparing me for their departure for a few months. In the past, I have been the one to bring my boys to school and pick them up at 7:55 a.m. and 2:55 p.m. Religiously. My schedule and duties allowed this since I ran a business from home. I volunteered at their schools. If they had an early dismissal, I was the one to get them. It was unusual for me to call on my parents. But since I started doing the jobs myself, things have changed. I'm not able to pick them up most days. I have to use aftercare or sitters...or my parents. I have been adjusting to being a full time working mom who has to call on help.
Help is usually available if you are able to pay for it.
But paid help is far from the ease and security of parents/grandparents.
My cousin took this picture of me and Graham and sent it to me in this sweet card almost four years ago. My family was still intact. I'm holding Graham like everything was going to be alright. Little did I know that the following year, how I held my boys would be entirely different.
Knowing your kids are suffering because of something you inadvertently caused is rather intense. In 2014 I had just started the healing process from almost losing my son. The next year I would have another huge gash that would also require healing.
It is safe to say that I have been healing from something most of my adult life. I'm sure I'm not alone in this.
It takes a second for your life to change. I remember the moment when I knew I had lost my husband. I remember the look on his face. I remember what I was wearing. I remember what he was wearing.
It took a second for my son to dive into a bucket. A second that has changed him forever. A second that has changed me and all who knew him forever. A split second.
It took a second for me to realize while sitting in church that my life as I knew it soon would be completely turned upside down. Again. My friend texted me after she heard the announcement and said how sad she was. My response to her was, "You got to hold me tight when they move. I'm gonna be a mess."
You never set out to hurt...yourself and especially your kids. It was never my intention when they were little to force them to deal with such loss at such a young age. It was never my intention to turn their worlds upside down. I never wanted them to understand the brokenness that comes with splitting up a family. I never wanted them to learn the lingo. To view the world with glasses that are just a bit off. To understand the logistics of bouncing between two houses.
My parents didn't set out to hurt me by retiring. It was not their intention to settle here and have me follow and start a family. It wasn't their intention to leave me as a single mom. But that reality is upon us.
And this single momma is terrified.
Just as how I held my boys changed when I made them kids of divorce, how my parents hold me will also change. I'll just be found sitting at their breakfast table in a laptop instead of in person.
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