Poser with a Flashing Habit

Crazy: adj. kooky, insane, screwball, nutty, silly; senseless, impractical, unsound.

He said, "do I make them crazy or do I just attract crazy?"  My good friend and I were having a phone conversation about behaviors of
exes that were particularly odd while I was cooking dinner for my boys.  Knowing him well, I responded with, "I'm pretty sure most women are a bit crazy so don't blame yourself for their erratic behavior.  You were just the catalyst for their crazy."

I have often felt this sentiment in my life.  People often behave in ways that are unbecoming or "crazy".  If you don't know them well, it causes a panic response in you that makes you run away from them.  Quickly.  If you do know them well, it becomes an intense process of trying to understand why one would act in such a way.

But the truth is, we all hold this trait closely.  Some just hide it better.

I have been resisting the reality that I'm a bit "crazy" for a while.  Perhaps my whole life.  I feel like a poser.  I'm hard on other people and how they respond when in fact I get it because that would be my response if I just let it all hang out.

So maybe I'm a bit of a poser.

Poser: n. pretender, hypocrite, imposter

There are few people who see my crazy daily.  I'm comfortable enough with their love for me to not hide that part.  I know our bond is strong enough to defeat the vulnerability and irrationality that comes with being human.

And then there are those who I show it to accidentally.  I'm like a flasher, unexpectedly exposing myself and catching them totally off guard.  That mental picture makes me giggle.  Their response is not as forgiving and my response is to close it up tightly, buttoning the top button on my jacket that was previously unbuttoned.  Now that I've shown it and received a negative response, I'll do my damnedest to conceal it.

When we do behave irrationally, shame is our first response.

"I'm crazy."
"I can't keep it together."
"Everyone does life better than me."
"I need to get on some meds."
"I will just stop confiding in people."

These thoughts are prevalent in conversations with even my best friends and family.  Though they see my crazy more than most, I temper my actual thoughts and actions even with them.  I hide.

One of my soul sisters and I were chatting about a man that appears to have it all.  Looks, success, personality, love of Jesus, stability.  "That is who I want to be with," I said.

Then I laughed heartily because the chances of a man like that wanting me is ridiculous.  (Like my "R" necklace that my sister in law bought me.  It stands for Ridiculous, not Rebekah.)   I said, "If I do get a man like that we will all know it's God because that would be a miracle."

I'm a crazy poser.

Crazy people generally don't make good decisions consistently.  Their go-to is decision first, repairs later.

God, however, is not frightened off my by bouts of insanity.  He knows my thoughts.  Spoken and unspoken.  He knows them before I do.  He invades my soul in a way that no one else can.  He sees my hurts.  He sees my reactions.  He sees my brain and the reason it functions the way it does.  He knows it all.  He is a necessity to this poser.

He doesn't run when I expose myself.  He holds me tight.

Thankfully because I have two little people relying on His strength to keep me together.