Collateral Beauty: Lifeless or Forgiveness?

Matthew 18:32-35 21At that point Peter got up the nerve to ask, “Master, how many times do I forgive a brother or sister who hurts me? Seven?”22Jesus replied, “Seven! Hardly. Try seventy times seven...
...32-35The king summoned the man and said, ‘You evil servant! I forgave your entire debt when you begged me for mercy. Shouldn’t you be compelled to be merciful to your fellow servant who asked for mercy?’ The king was furious and put the screws to the man until he paid back his entire debt. And that’s exactly what my Father in heaven is going to do to each one of you who doesn’t forgive unconditionally anyone who asks for mercy.”

She responded with harshness and coldness. I was confiding in her about something that I had been struggling with. It was not the first time she dismissed me. But I continued to let her into my closed circle where few reside. And as was typical of her behavior, instead of feeling encouraged I felt beaten down and ashamed. We had been friends for 20 years. Twenty years of treading lightly. Twenty years of bracing myself for her reactions to my behaviors. I was the definition of insanity in our friendship...I did the same thing and expected a different result.

She had to "break up" with me in order for us to part ways. The break up was painful and came at a time when I could have used her wisdom, albeit harsh. She had the guts to do what I didn't.

An old flame did much the same. I stayed with him despite his persistent attempts to

break up with me. I was loyal like the Golden Retriever I am (I'm Golden Retriever/Otter personality type). I had many reasons to leave him. But like my friend, I put him in the awkward position of ending it in an abrupt and cold way. Unfortunately, that was what was needed in order to get me to really move on.

I have a hard time "being done" with people. Friends, family, pets (lol), men, co-workers...you name it. I allow people (and animals...sometimes one and the same) back into my good graces without much thought about what they have done to me. I have hung in there when friends have taken advantage of me over and over again. I have stayed close to people who habitually make me cry. I wouldn't say this is a positive trait because it has brought with it unnecessary pain most likely.

But...

Forgive your debtors as you have been forgiven. Forgive UNCONDITIONALLY anyone who asks for mercy. Forgive them seventy times seven times.

So what is the balance between the two? The world both secular and religious tells you to establish boundaries. To be wary of people who have trespassed against you multiple times because the reality is they will probably repeat the behavior. This requires you building a sort of wall between the two of you. Making intimacy damn near impossible.

In marriage, forgiveness is key to making it last. Which is partially why so many marriages fail...we are simply not great at forgiving. We don't believe in having to forgive people that truly love us. If they did, how could they treat us so poorly? Choose alcohol over us? Cheat on us? Lie? Gamble? Not communicate? Is it possible to have a spouse that acts terribly and still believe they love you? Why is forgiveness even necessary in a close relationship? If they claim to love you, then surely their actions will line up with that.

This is simply not the state of the human condition. We are selfish beings. This fact, however, doesn't make us incapable of love. It doesn't diminish the fact that we do indeed love.

I've often thought that we are a bit extreme as people. We expect forgiveness when we mess up, and hate being called anything that lines up with our faults because we know we are not the summation of those faults. We criticize people who speak ill of someone and then turn around and are nice to them. Why can't the two reside within us equally? Can we, in fact, love intensely and have equal disgust with the same person? I believe we can.

We are quick to judge others for this, but we behave in the same extreme manner.

We are universal hypocrites.

I asked my ex to forgive me for my contribution of the demise of our marriage. I forgave him for his part in it. He, however, could not.

Without forgiveness, there are no relationships. Lasting ones, at least. We are doomed to be loveless and essentially lifeless dolls without it. If we can't embrace the dichotomy of the human condition, we are dooming ourselves to a life without intimate relationships.

My friends of many years are my friends because they have forgiven me as I have them. We love each other intensely. We accept that we aren't perfect and will continue to wreak havoc at times. We have nodded at the darkness and decided to embrace anyways.