F-Bomb Level Adult Content

I have a bit of difficulty being so freely myself because though I am an Enneagram 8*, I was raised to deny, deny, deny that part of you cuz good, Southern Baptist women don't behave that way, Jesus*. We are all supposed to be 2s.* (Look it up, Betty.*). But I have found life absent from the freedom to be yourself disappointingly insufferable. I kinda wish I could get in line and walk around with a big grin on my face that wasn't put there by anything that makes me grin currently, other than just being alive. But alas, I am not. And also, being your authentic self is so much more interesting. Totally worth the fear of what people will think or say. So I say...or Andre says: "It is better to be hated for what you are than to be loved for something you are not." – Andre Gide. Enneagram 8s likely have lots of haters because we don't behave.  Therefore, I feel the strong need to warn you before you read. (Perhaps I should have done this when I first started publishing my blog again. But it's a bit late for that, Nancy*... )

"A listener note: this episode contains adult content and is not suitable for everyone. Please be advised."

 
You may be wondering as I did while putting on a podcast with my boys in the car: "Shit. Are we talking F-bomb level adult content (which I allow them to say in the privacy of our home. Or car. Or outside. Anywhere, actually, where no one else hears it but us. I don't like the stink eye I get as a momma whose kid drops an F-bomb and laughs. And also, sometimes we yell it), or some awkward-sexual-term-I-will-have-to-explain-to-my-9-and-12-year-old-that-I'm-not-at-all-prepared-for-and-will-absolutely-fuck-up-and-they-will-be-bullied-because-they-got-it-wrong adult content? I need more details, Candice*.

 
I am F-bomb level appropriate, readers. Well, I can't promise that. Actually completely delete that. I am all of the warning labels. All I can promise is that I will deliver the raw, unfiltered view of this beautifully terrifying, endlessly fascinating life as I see it from my eyes. Well, actually I hate commitment so I can't promise you anything, so strike that also because sometimes I feel bullied into behaving. Mostly by my momma. Moving on. Whatever.  My view is an incredibly narrow view because I am one person in a world who has inhabited trillions of people. Well, who really knows the number, but that sounds like a safe bet. F-bombs, awkward sexual discussions, and other such dicey subjects will be dissected. So if it's not your thing, or perhaps you have known me my whole life and want to see me still as a little girl, which I get...prolly best to stop reading, Linda.*. I love you.

On to the real guts of the blog. (Yes, that was a long intro. I'm aware.)...

Charities that Help Single Mothers

Read through this list. From what I can tell, there is jack SHIT out there that helps single mothers.

Yet, single mothers are the backbone of this nation. (Also, as far as my little eyes in this big, fucking world can tell.)

So let me educate you on the problems a single mother face (well, all genders who are single parents. But I identify as a mother so I'm gonna write in my voice. You can identify as whatever you want. And also, it's my fucking blog.  Just change pronouns and titles in your head, Felicia.* No exclusivity here. It's rainbows and hugs, bitch.):

1. No free child care in a world that demands you show up whether your kid is sick or not. In the hospital or not. Not only is it NOT free. It's fucking expensive. And the ones that are not are incredibly run down. Nowhere anyone with money would send their kids.

22. Your child has to get to school by a certain time. The school doesn't provide early care. Your job requires you to be there at 8 a.m. Your child's school doesn't accept kids until 7:50 a.m. You have to make the decision to either a)be late everyday and likely lose your job or b)leave your five year old standing in front of the school without you. Or you be a little bitch and ask for help. Nobody likes this option, Jesus.*

3. Aftercare costs money. But you have to use it because you don't get off until 5 p.m. So you're rushing to the school to get both your kids from different schools by 5:30 and then immediately get charged $1 a minute. So the $85 after taxes you just made today? (put in your own number, Lucy.*) $20 of that went to aftercare for your kids.

4. By the time you get home, you have dinner to cook, laundry to do, homework to facilitate, baths to give, a dog to walk, phones to raid, cleaning to do, wine to drink. Not to mention your own things that are huge hurdles: you have to go to court in three days and it will take at least four hours to collect what you need so that you actually get some support. Even if it's just $100 a month that will only pay for two days of food for all of you. It's something, Peggy.*

1. You face the daily challenge of how you are going to pay your bills today. The ones that are past due. Nevermind the current ones. The bank has taken most of your money with their fees because you can't keep up with what you have coming in or going out. You make just enough to cover your bills. You set up AutoPay because your phone has been turned off so much you can't risk not doing it. But then you forget when it's supposed to come out because AutoPay benefits only those who are consistently in the black and not currently running around with their hair on fire. In fact, being in the red is something AutoPay people NEVER do. And they don't understand how you don't have all your bills on AutoPay. So you just stop attempting it because there's nothing there anyways. Which means your credit is shit.

6. You stay tired. Emotionally, physically, mentally tired. Like bone tired.

7. You stay fat. You don't have the energy to do anything other than what you are required to do and you don't have the money to buy organic food or vitamins or supplements or probiotics or a gym membership, not that you would ever go anyways. And your stress levels are so off the charts you just keep packing on the pounds though you eat only enough so you don't pass out, drink a shit ton of water every day, work your ass off cleaning houses, and are constantly worried about your weight. Weight gain is a symptom, Gina.* (My stressed out ass is now almost 20 pounds less than when I was in Louisiana living this lovely life of a single momma. Your body doesn't lie, Hildegard.*)

8. You drink too much. Yes, you spend money on alcohol. And various other God-given anti-anxiety meds. And you see the look on your parents' faces when they know you've bought alcohol and you're broke but you know that between you and that bottle lies a week of nightly, guaranteed, relaxation. OK, who are we kidding. One night, OK? It lasts one night. L.O.L. And you feel like shit the next day but fuck, you needed that.

9. You attempt to date because our lovely patriarchal society has told you that you need a man in order to be stable. So you dutifully give up hours of your Friday night making small talk with a man child who doesn't have kids but two weekends a month, voted Republican, has a million in retirement already, makes three times what you do because he's hot and confident and he's a white man and he is talking about all his trips and adventures and hobbies and work outs and is asking you what vacation you want to take next and whether you own your house while you stifle a giggle because the vacation you are dreaming of is in your kids' tub with a glass of wine in a run down rent house (you gave up hopes of owning your own years ago) that is quiet minus all the damn pets your kids love because your kids have finally spent the night with someone other than you while your date undresses you with his eyes completely oblivious to the dark circles and haphazardly done makeup as you drove to the date already 10 minutes late because your kids' dad was late again and you wonder if you remembered to shave cuz hopefully you'll get something out of this mind-fuck because you're starting to worry that batteries can make babies and hoping he doesn't spend the night so you can wake up alone in a quiet house. For once. All the while you are petrified of getting pregnant or getting an STI because we all know who the abortion laws support and you know damn well this man is not going to wear a condom. And he splits the bill. Did I mention white man privilege? And also, can you make yourself gay?

9. Your kids know how to cook and do laundry because you gave up that chore when you had to decide between paying bills or being a domestic slave.

 
11. You find yourself lonely in a room full of the dreaded soccer mom because they are talking about what's new on TikTok, how slow Amazon has become, their favorite lip gloss, complaints about their husbands, the best vegan recipe, what their church is doing to help the poor and they are all the while secretly eyeing you because they're a bit wary of single women...and you're poor.

12. You have fucking awesome kids.

*numbers are intentional cuz I don't do order.

*Enneagram Institute: https://www.enneagraminstitute.com/

**Nancy, Felicia, Jesus, Shirley, Hilary, Hildegard, Betty are all random names for comedic flare which makes me happy inside. I find it hilarious, and giggle loudly when I reread it but if you do not I'm sorry.  Not sorry.  You're welcome.

*Candice DeLong, host of Killer Psyche podcast

Empty Pockets, Full Heart

 "I can't start crying because I'm afraid I won't stop."  I said to her.   I had too much to do.  I had to focus on what I do best as an Enneagram 8.  I DO. Action has never been difficult for me.  It's the repercussions of those actions that get me into trouble.  So I packed my boys up and loaded the SUV and Sadie, our Golden Retriever, and drove the 9 hrs. to my parent's house in Texas.  I stayed one night with them and turned back around to load up our lives.  I started tearing up at the U-Haul place when the trailer wouldn't work, but I remembered the flood behind the dam and stuffed that shit down and got it done.  By 1 p.m. the next day I was driving out of the swamp and to my new home.

That was August 15.  And the flood has come.

Something triggered me and the tears started flowing.  My voice raised an octave.  I was shaking.  Homegirl could not function.

I am broke.   I am applying for welfare while people I love thrive.  I am outraged that I have gotten here.  I'm outraged that they have gotten there.  We are on opposite ends of the spectrum.

And we are the same.

We regard each other the exact same from our little corner..with judgement.  The only way to pull yourself out of that is to hold material things lightly.  Like so lightly that it doesn't affect you either way.  You have money, so you buy what brings you joy. (hopefully)  I do the same, just on a smaller scale.  We're just all trying to survive, Jesus.

However, what our good ol' red, white and blue values is independence and prosperity.  And if you are neither of those, you have little value and become a burden to those around you.  Your presence on earth is an inconvenience to those who make the money and hold the power.  You become hated because you are costing the "successful" time and energy.  They resent your breathing the same air as they do because you are inherently less important than they are.  Because if you weren't, then it would mean that their image of their own value would be questioned.  And that is far too scary to approach. We say with our lips that we know money is the root of all evil, that we work to live, that we value people over our possessions.  But it in fact has become our goal.  Sadly, this dismantles everything true about life and leaves us living a lie. 

Love is the goal.  Not money.

We have all been lied to.

We do not say on a true crime podcast about someone who passed:

-They drove the most expensive, fastest car!

-They lived in a beautiful house!

-They had a large amount of savings!

-They were so rich!

-They had multiple degrees!

- They had a boat!

-They had all the toys!

-They were debt free!

-They knew the value of money!

-They were shopping for a huge house while their family was applying for welfare!

-They never borrowed money from anyone!

-They thought they were superior to people who smoke!

-They chose ethics over relationships!

-They followed all the laws!  Well, mostly!

-They loved money!

-They had good boundaries!

-They only helped you if you were responsible with your money!

-They were self-sufficient!

No, we fucking absolutely do not.  What we do say is:

-They were hilarious.

-They could make anyone laugh.

-They were so kind.

-They loved life.

-They were generous.

-They lit up a room.

-They were incredibly wise.

-Their home was my safe place.

-They would give you the shirt off their back.

-They loved their kids.

-Their family meant the world to them.

-They worked so their family was taken care of.

-They were a big teddy bear.

-They always made me laugh.

-They gave the best hugs.

-They protected me.

-They fought for the underdog.

-They never judged me.

-They would drop everything to be there.

-Their door was always open.

-They were the most easy-going person.

-I loved being around them.

-It didn't matter that I was broke as fuck, irresponsible with money, needy, and living with my parents with my two boys in tow after fleeing Louisiana.  They treated me like they always did...with respect and dignity.

My heart is broken.

We have constructed a society in which the value of a person resides in what they have to offer you...in the way of possessions.  We say this isn't true.  Because we tithe to our church.  We support a child in Africa.  We volunteer at church.  We give food to homeless people.  We pray for the poor.  We give to people we think are worthy.

We are good, God-fearing people, right?

I thought so.  I bought into it.  I regarded homeless people with resent because I had more than they did.  It wasn't my fault I was rich.  I know how to work hard and earn a living and take care of myself. Why can't they?  What is wrong with them?  Clearly they are messed up.  "But we're all messed up," I say to myself dutifully.  Letting myself off the hook for judging them.  I don't really believe this.

I really did believe that I was better because I was a hard worker and could take care of myself.  

But then I almost lost my son.  What followed was a string of comedic events (not comedy, like haha, but like DARK comedy).  My marriage fell apart.  My business fell apart.  I lost my house.  I lost my footing.  I ran up debts trying to maintain what was once my life.  My gut dictated my behavior because I knew I would fall apart if my heart spoke.  For eight years, I made a host of decisions that screamed just how broken and exhausted my soul was.  I didn't listen.  I didn't have the tools.  So I continued my rampage through life.  Impulsively buying, impulsively living, destructively hobbling through finances.

Until it brought me here.  Living in an RV behind my parents' house with literally less than nothing.

Except I've never felt so incredibly wealthy.

What I discovered during this process is that I am not the sum of my worldly possessions.  I have value with or without money.  I can still love.  I can still listen.  I can still hold you when you're hurting.  I can still help you when you need it by giving what I can.  I can still share my life.  I can still love.

I suppose this is why I have changed my label from "socially liberal and fiscally conservative" to "LIBERAL AF."  If we as humans cannot be relied on to take care of each other, then we should be forced to do it.  Make all the fucking money in the world that you want.  It doesn't matter how much or little you make.  What matters is that you are of infinite value to the Creator of the Universe.  Your worth is not based on your "earning potential" or your ability to live independently.  You matter just as much as Elon Musk.  You matter just as much as Beyonce.  You matter just as much as Steve Jobs.  You matter just as much as Oprah.  You matter just as much as Ghandi.  You matter just as much as Jesus.  You.  Matter.  With or without a great credit score,  with or without a bankruptcy, with or without a job,  with or without the ability to even get a job, with or without a pension or a retirement account, living on welfare or making a million a year.  In a huge ass house or out of your mind on drugs living on the street.  You.  Matter.  And NO ONE determines your value except the universe.  And we all know that means you are of infinite value.  You know because of the sparrows and lilies of the valley and all.  (Matthew 6:28)

When the tears did start, they continued for a few days and then subsided and left me in a state of contentment.  Because all my rage about my situation and the situation of others surfaced, yelled at the top of its lungs, and then sat with a goofy ass grin on its face because it was finally given a voice.

I hope you find your own broke ass sitting in an RV in the middle of the mysteries of nature with empty pockets and a full heart.

"Do not store up riches for yourselves here on earth, where moths and rust destroy, and robbers break in and steal. Instead, store up riches for yourselves in heaven, where moths and rust cannot destroy, and robbers cannot break in and steal. For your heart will always be where your riches are." –Matthew 6:19-21

-

Single Momma & Wide, Open Spaces

 I was sitting in our shed outside when the call came in that changed the course of our lives.  It was time to move back to Texas.  Everything in me awoke with purpose.  The boys had already started school in New Orleans.  Their tuitions were paid.  Uniforms, supplies and books were bought.  Schedules were worked out, clients were lined up.  My dad had just built a shed and bought a lawnmower for us.  We were actively working on our house, making plans for the future.  My boys and I lived with one of my bffs and we were all thoroughly settled.

And it all came to an ear-piercing STOP.

Two weeks later, here I sit in my parents' house with my son next to me on his phone.  It's so early the rooster hasn't crowed.  The country life encourages going to bed with the sun and rising the same.  Our belongings are mostly packed up.  The little furniture we brought is sitting in my parents' shed.  My dog has become a farm dog.  Our mornings begin with coffee and animals who have to be fed.  Our nights conclude with the feeding of the animals again and us sitting together watching whatever show we're currently binging.

I watch my boys curiously often, trying to determine what emotions are stirring.  I see glimpses of confusion and sometimes sadness and anxiety.  When I asked my 12 yr. old if he missed New Orleans, he said, "I only lived there for 12 years, momma.  What do you think??"  And we all laughed.  And cried.

I started reading a book by Martha Beck, (Harvard trained sociologist, coach and author) entitled Finding Your Own North Star  about two months ago.  I was thoroughly invested in the book, doing all the homework she assigned.  I began meditating on my life and where my north star might reside.  

And two months ago what I came up with was that I feel most at peace when I'm close to my family.

I shoved that thought down because that was a peace I was not going to have consistently.  Holidays and random other visits were all the maximized peace I was allowed, I thought.  So it remained dormant, enclosed in a dull heartache.

Raising your kids alone is one of the hardest things I have ever done, and likely will ever do.  When my marriage was pulverized to bits eight years ago, I fumbled through the requirements of a single mom.  In the beginning of my divorce period, I was incredibly lost.  My parents still lived in New Orleans, so I thankfully had something solid to offer my boys.  When they moved four years ago, I provided what solid ground I could offer to my boys.  It was a significant handicap, a weak attempt at what could have been.

So I poured myself into my tribe of girlfriends and my ex's family.  They became my family.  They were the ones who helped when I couldn't do the duties of single mom alone.  We had family sleepovers often.  We were mom, dad, grandpa, grandma, aunt, uncle, cousin, friend to each other's kids.  My boys have numerous "aunts" aka my bffs.

I became more liberal.  I abandoned my previous, Conservative ideas about money and laws and the role of the government.  I evolved into someone who had nothing but her character to offer.  I read (or listened to) every book I could get my hands on about deconstructing your faith and tentatively rebuilding it into something much more whole.  Something that I could pass on to my children.  If it wasn't money or traditional stability, then I could at least give them a solid faith that encouraged love of self and others above.  all.  else.  

This new faith grew out of the desperation of a single momma who felt very ill-equipped to be a mother.

I had lots of help along the way in the form of various authors, musicians, and podcasters.*  Glennon, Jen, Luvie, Amanda, Abby, Eckhart, Brenda, Richard, Marren, Henry, Brian, all the Mikes, Hillary, Esther, Nichole, Chandler, Naomi, Krista etc...........  I was a desperate woman digging desperately to find the solid ground I lost.

The Universe, our Divine Being, They, Jesus, God, Buddha, Muhammed, Jehovah, Ra, Mother Nature.... the possible names for God are endless.  One study found that there were at least 18,000 Gods found throughout human history.  

Whatever you want to call them.  I was searching for the personal God that dissipated under my  knowledge and experience.  And single motherhood offered the perfect shroud for discovery.

All the knowledge that found me carried me here.  To this very moment...sitting outside in Goldthwaite, TX waiting for the sun to come up over the wide, open spaces that I now call home.

*@glennondoyle, @jenhatmaker, @luvie, @amandadoyle, @abbywambach, @eckharttolle, @brendadavies, @richardrohr, @marrenmorris, @henrynouwen, @brianmclaren, @sciencemike, @michaelgungor, @hillarymcbride, @estherperel, @nicholenordeman, @chandlermoore, @naomiraine, @kristatippett

Mid-Life and when He became They

 
I woke with my partner this morning.  It was 3:30 a.m.  I kissed him goodbye and smiled at his suggestion to go back to bed.  I didn't listen, as is usual for this momma who is stubborn to the core. I had two glorious hours to myself.  I got down on the floor by my fake fireplace, turned on the heat element (we keep our house at 65 at night so we're all freezing in the mornings), laid in the child pose and meditated.

It's my 45th birthday today.

I have been struggling with pain in my back for over a week.  I go to bed with it and wake up with it having dug deeper into my body.  I've taken more Advil and Tylenol this week than I care to.  I went to my massage therapist.  I went to my therapist.  Still, it persisted.

Until I listened to a podcast (Jen Hatmaker's For the Love podcast w/ Hilary McBride Your Body is YOU).  

My ears listen to a lot.  My days are full of Audible and podcasts and phone calls.  I have gotten every penny I spent back in information and entertainment from my Bose headphones.  But I don't listen to my body.

So, I did the thing where you thank your body for protecting you.  You thank your body for alerting you to danger.  You thank your body for telling you that something is off...that you are in distress.  The pain in my back screamed at me.  And I finally heard her.

She told me that I have been in a constant state of anxiety for weeks...months...  She told me that I was worried about my boys, their health, my partner, my family, my job, my weight, my friends, my house, my money, my drinking, my smoking, my dog, my overall health...and aging.  She spoke her peace.  And I listened.  And the pain subsided.

Since I started the deconstruction process a few years ago, I have felt disconnected and afraid.  I've felt alone.  I felt cut off from everything that I knew.  The very fiber of my being was now in question.  I felt totally alone in the universe.  Like a free fall through the darkness with no end in sight.  It was terrifying.

But I eventually found a home in others who were also deconstructing their faith.  They gave me a vocabulary for my existential loneliness.

And I eventually found God again.  He is not male or female.  He has become THEY.

They have been teaching me the wholeness of myself.  They have taught me to see Them in everything I do.  They have taught me to find Them in the darkness.  They have taught me the beauty of accepting love and grace and extending it to others. They have taught me the importance of my connection to the universe and to others.  They have become the Christ within me.

I found Them in the most ANTI-SBC places.  I found Them in the bedroom with my lover whom I am not married to.  I found Them in psychedelics.  I found Them in the laughter of my friends at a bar.  I found Them in my tortured soul.  I found Them in Yoga, meditation, cleaning toilets, fighting with my kids, picking up my dog's poop, making the most perfect martini, smoking a cigarette before the sun has come up, balancing my accounts, having tough conversations, learning something new that scared me before.

I found Them in my back pain.

I am so much bigger than the little girl/teenager/young adult who has looked at Them outside of herself.  They are in every part of my life.

I am officially in Mid-Life.  My wrinkles profess this.  My sagging body proclaims this.  And I'm loving her.  May the second half of my life be a celebration of being a whole being in the wholeness of God.

Babadook

 I felt the familiar shame settle on me.  I circled it before deciding to take it on.  But when I did, it fit well. Like it had never been taken off.  The old people pleaser in me had rebelled and it was uncomfortable.  Shame was soothing this discomfort.

The dichotomies of my personality are subtly inappropriate.  I love social gatherings, but only in short spurts.  I love to be around others because they fascinate me, but I tire quickly of having to interact.  I'm opinionated and can't help but be confrontational, but I'm also overly concerned about disappointing people.  I'm impulsive and make decisions from my gut, but I overthink them until I have justified my behavior.  I'm recklessly logical and logically carefree.  Sigh.

 I have been the unhealthy, people pleasing version of myself most of my life.    I desperately needed people to tell me what to do ... even if I didn't listen, and mostly I didn't, I was desperate for their input. 

We all settled into our roles over the years.  Rebekah was the unhealthy, sick person in need of others' wisdom and care, and they were the strong ones who were always more "together".

But eventually, the gig is up.  And you realize that you are the only YOU in the world.  And you must make decisions that suit YOU.  Because other people's shoes just don't fit right.

I have shouldered a lot of shame about who I was most of my life.  Nothing is more of a buzzkill than shame.  It creates doubt when there should be none. It nurtures guilt and secrets.  Shame single-handedly dictates decisions and leaves the vessel marred and wounded.

My bestie sent me a podcast that she knew I would eat up.  Brene Brown was answering the question of how to handle shame in your children.  I have one who functions from a place of shame and one who is oblivious to it.  Her answer was to normalize failure and discomfort.  I love this.

Humans are the epitome of failure.  We're not supposed to get it right 100% of the time.  We are wired to need others to fill in where we are weak.  For some reason we continuously fight this.  But this should be our greatest accomplishment.  We need others and there is nothing more beautiful than connection with another human.  

But instead of celebrating our deficiencies, we shame them into submission.  Instead of proudly airing our imperfections, we hide them in the basement.  Like the Babadook.

Thankfully, old age is weeding out the inauthentic.  I no longer have the patience to pretend to be someone else. Nor do I have the time to feed the beast in the basement.

Love Yourself? How 'bout TOLERATE, Linda.

I stared at myself in the mirror, examining every wrinkle, every pore, every fat cell.   The differences between my body ten years ago and now screaming at me.  The counter littered with anti-aging, weight loss, and other and hopeful cosmetics stared intently at me.  A huge sigh escaped from my once wrinkle-free mouth.

I am aging.

It's easy to buy into the "love yourself regardless of what you look like" slogan when you somewhat LIKE your physical appearance.  But what about those of us who TOLERATE our physical appearance?  What about those of us who have to constantly throw clothing in "hopeful" bins or just throw them in the trash with a flick of the middle finger because they no longer fit and the chances of actually fitting. Into. Them. Ever. is like being woken with a kiss from a deep sleep surrounded by wood animals and dwarves by a hot prince who happens to also be your true love when you're 18 and you're set for life.

The scale shows a number I never thought I'd see.  And there are days when I weigh myself, and the horror of the result doesn't quite settle on me.  I just accept it like I do every other mundane detail.

Until I have a day where I drink only water and green tea, eat one meal, and still the damn thing hasn't moved.  (Perhaps it was the vodka/soda I consumed but we're ignoring that for now).  I flip my favorite finger at the inanimate object and go about my morning routine.  Seething.

I went to the doctor to discuss this weight gain that has settled on me in the past year.  I did all sorts of blood tests.  I was determined to find a culprit other than my eating/drinking habits.  Though there were signs that perhaps physically my body is not metabolizing the way it should, I also got the speech about how much I ate and was told to seek the help of Weight Watchers.

On my way home, with my amazing boyfriend who treats my health as his own, I downloaded the WW app and started perusing my new, hopeful task.  

By the second day, the app was deleted and I was disgusted.

Apparently, the way to lose weight by staying within your "point" range  is to eat only spinach and drink water.

No thank you, Linda.  I live with an amazing chef.  And I happen to like food.  Call me weird.

So now the trick in my newfound body is to achieve feeling beautiful by doing things that don't involve aging.  Or weight.  Cuz being in a bikini invokes a gag reflex.

I'll let you know when my personal love needle starts to creep out of the "TOLERATE" range.

Pain - Storm or Sunshine?

The wind blew around me.  My body was sore from sitting on the dirt road.  The sun enveloped me in what should have been a welcome embrace.  But my mood didn't match the weather.  It should have been storming.

I let the tears fall.  I let my body respond without reserve.  I was racked with sobs and something resembling hiccups.  I got in my car to drive, to hide from my happy family.  I had to pull over because the road was blurry and treacherous in my state.  My broken heart no longer sat silent.

This.  This is what so many avoid.  This is what alcohol covers up and food silences.  This painful emotion that the world runs from.

It will eventually find you.

When I was in trauma counseling after the near death of my son, one of the exercises was to experience the trauma in your "safe place".  The idea is to allow your brain to unlock the hidden pain in the place where you are free from hindrances and fear.  A place where you can be fully yourself and fully accepted.  My safe place has always been my parents' living room.  Regardless of what house they are in, country or city, this is where I feel most safe.

During this quarantine, I have been in my safe place.  For 5+ weeks, I have let my soul rest and heal.  The deep anxiety that I have with me so heavily in New Orleans is on retreat.  Here, I am safe.

But there is no place safe from pain in this life.  It will find you.  Even if you're in your "safe place."

True self-discovery comes only when you allow yourself to feel your pain.  To fully submerge yourself in the stickiness of the grief until your fingers are all pruney...that's when the truth of who you are emerges.

I have spent the years since my divorce on guard.  I have had multiple superficial relationships with men that walked beside me for a brief time.  They were satisfied with the little I gave them.  They didn't require me to be vulnerable.  They only wanted someone to enjoy their free time with.  And that suited me just fine because I did not want to experience any more pain.

But my most recent relationship was different.  He saw through my tough exterior.  He pushed until I opened up.  He saw the side of me that very few have seen.  And eventually I became vulnerable.  The tough girl sat on the bench.

And homegirl cried.  Openly.  Ugly.  Frequently.  I cried.

I didn't love this new side of me.  I fought with her often.  I've equated vulnerability with weakness for as long as I can remember, so this show of tenderness was not a welcome party.  I wanted to tie her up and stash her away in a closet.

But once you've experienced vulnerability in relationship, you are not satisfied with small talk ever again.

So maybe instead of running from the vulnerability, it is smarter to embrace it.  And eventually the storm that we used to equate with pain becomes the sunlight.


https://youtu.be/i1HkUf0tXLU

A 7 yr. old in a 29 yr. old's body

https://youtu.be/X-7K2ElrI4o

"Just because you have an excuse for your behavior, it doesn't erase the fact that you behaved badly." I said to my 7 yr. old.  He was justifying why he threw a fit when he was told no.

I flashed back to the previous day where my boyfriend and I had a similar discussion.  I was explaining my behavior to him, and he responded with a disinterest in hearing my justification.

"I am not justifying it.  I am merely explaining it.  I understand that what I did was wrong."  I said, annoyed.

He loves it when I tell him he's right.

People always have reasons behind their actions.  We behave in certain ways because of a multitude of pre-programmed responses.  We get hurt when someone says a trigger word.  We lash out when someone presses on our insecurities.  We shut down when our fear kicks in.  The current situation perhaps has nothing to do with how these first became a part of our emotional make-up, but we still respond as if it is the original trespass.

And there are always consequences to our behavior.

The most infuriating part to me, as an incredibly (often uncomfortably so) direct person is when I am misunderstood.  I am emotionally repressed (sigh), so my logical brain is usually in control.  I can explain all of my behaviors...whether they are right or not.  And am usually greeted with a curiosity that I can foster into understanding.

Those who don't know me, however, don't have my endless explanations for my behavior.  They, rightly so, have only the action to base their judgement on.

Actions speak louder than words...as I have been known to say often.

As a Type 8 on the Enneagram, I am quick to think that emotions are stupid.  I act quickly and from my gut without taking time to think about how something makes me feel.  It takes me quite a while to acknowledge my feelings.  It takes me quite a while to even admit I have them.  But one of my besties is a Type 2 on the Enneagram.  She's a feeler.  So my lack of emotional knowledge is an enjoyable challenge for her.  She pushes me out of my area of comfortability from the land of action and into the vulnerable land of feeling.  This is thoroughly uncomfortable for me.  If I didn't trust and respect her, this exercise would be one in futility and angst.  And we likely would not be friends for long.

My intellectual mind knows that emotions are crucial.   I have read enough solid research to know that emotions are the landscape behind our actions.  They drive what we say and do.  To resist understanding them is to resist growth.  Because emotions are great deceivers.  They are masters at keeping us unhealthy.

And everyone's emotional lies are different.

(Side Note: I had to google "List of Emotions" ... this is how emotionally retarded I am.)

My Emotion:  Sadness
My Lie:  I am unloveable.

My Emotion:  Anger
My Lie:  I am helpless.

My Emotion:  Fear
My Lie:  I am alone.

 My Emotion:  Disgust
My Lie:  I am better than you.

If I did not grow past reacting to my unknown emotion, I would behave as my 7 yr. old did.  I would throw an adult tantrum and refuse to stop screaming.

Though this may sound tempting as an adult to just let it all hang out, it is a behavior that would not entice people to hang around you.  The emotional lies that you have told yourself will manifest and you would indeed end up being unloveable, helpless, alone, and arrogant.

So as much as it pains me to say, I am finding it necessary to pay attention to my emotion.  Without acknowledging them, I am a 7 yr. old in the body of a 29 yr. old.

You. Are. Good. So, So, So Good.

Purpose yourself to become perfect at failing.  
So you can remember that you are never actually any of your own names.  
So you can remember that you are free.  
You are no more and no less 
than every single one of your rebirths, 
and you can't be afraid to light it all on fire. 
-- Jamie Lee Finch

I listened with intensity.  My palms started sweating.  My heart beat a bit faster.  Warmth enveloped me.  Every word she spoke landed in a place I hadn't nurtured for fear of total obliteration.

But she spoke them.  And I was home.

Being a Southern Baptist has never sat right with me.  The narrowness of the ideals, the convoluted messages, the judgment of ourselves and others was something I could not sign up for.  I always felt disconnected and estranged.  I was living something I did not believe.  But my questions remained dormant.

Enter Nadia Bolz-Weber.  My friend introduced her to me. Little did she know she had just started a nuclear war in my soul.

From the time I was little, I was told I was a sinner.  I was given the message loud and clear that I was inherently bad and needed to confess repeatedly for my shortcomings.  I was told the world was lost, save our small religious group.  I was encouraged to witness to my "lost" friends.  I memorized scripture.  I prayed without ceasing.  I denied myself.  By all accounts, I was a Christian who was saved from the fiery furnace because I prayed the Sinner's Prayer.  I had this under lock.

I married a man who "became a Christian" while we were dating.  That box was checked, so surely our marriage would be wonderful.  When he slept on the couch the night of our honeymoon and I cried myself to sleep, the nagging feeling that I had made a grave error became my companion.  For three long years I read the Bible.  I wept.  I memorized scripture.  I read books about being a Christian wife.  I did Bible Studies about being a virtuous woman.

And filled my journals with anguish.

I prayed consistently that God would give me a clear sign...that I was to stay or I was to go.  I lived in limbo for three years until one morning I woke up and clearly saw that the door was open.  I walked through it and shot up my middle finger to the words in the Bible that some saw fit to repeat to me...

"God hates divorce."

Being a twice divorced daughter of a Southern Baptist preacher who got pregnant with my beautiful boy out of wedlock is a hilarious combination.  Not only was I a woman, but now I was divorced.  My chances of rising in leadership in my church were pathetically fantastical.  So I took my sad, scorned soul and sat in the back.  Mostly seething.

Nadia opened the box of the dormant questions.  They flooded my soul and carried away all my maddeningly damaging narratives.  How radically life changing would it have been for me had I been given the message that I was inherently good from the beginning?  How life changing it would have been if I had been told that I didn't need a Savior to make me good...I only needed a Savior to save me from the false story I told myself...that I was bad, broken, incomplete, crippled, damaged, flawed, unlovable, lacking, feeble. 

The truth is..

You are good.   You have always been good.  Right from the beginning.  
And I'm sorry if anyone told you otherwise.
This breath, these hands, those feet, that smile, those ears, that heart, this heart, this beating heart, this breath...it's good.  It's all good.  So so so good.
You are loved.  You are so loved.  You are lovable.  
You have been working so hard.  I don't have to know how to know that it's true.
You are precious.  You are not a mistake.
You are very on purpose.
You are not broken.  You never were.
I'm sorry that you might've thought that.
I'm sorry anyone made you think that.
That wasn't about you.  
But you, you are enough.
You are totally enough.
You don't have to earn your enoughness.
You don't have to grovel for value, for love, for goodness.
You already have it.
You already are it.
You are loved.
You. Are. Loved.
And you ... you are good.  So, so good.
Hilary McBride
The Liturgist Podcast

Woes of a Single Mom

"Get up, Rebekah.  Silence doesn't always visit."

I looked at the clock.  5:18 a.m.

I wrapped myself in my Game of Thrones robe and grabbed my phone.  Once I safely padded to the kitchen without killing myself or waking my children in the dark, I looked at my phone.

4:19 a.m.

Big sigh.  Time change is not my friend.  I padded back to my bedroom, de-robed and crawled back into bed.

"Get up, Rebekah.  Silence doesn't always visit."

After wrestling with myself for a few minutes, Healthy Rebekah won.  She was surprised by this.  She doesn't win often.

Healthy and Disagreeable Rebekah padded back to the kitchen and turned the kettle on.  After the the two girls made their peace, I sat down to write.

I have been failing as a mother lately.  I spoke these same words to my son one night recently, except the insult was aimed at him.  I actually told my son that he kept failing.  He had missed a homework assignment and my anxiety would not stay silent.  I immediately held him on my lap and apologized.  "I'm so sorry, honey.  That was a terrible thing to say.  You are wonderful.  I'm the one who keeps failing."

The weight of my plight as a single mother had firmly sat on my shoulders and forced me to feel it.  After days of me being taut with stress, my brain was tired of the battle and laid down his armor.  I'm an expert at avoiding feelings.  I am an Enneagram Type 8, Self-Preserving Subtype.  I act, then think, then feel.  You would think with all the knowledge that I have about myself, I'd be more aware of my innate ability to ignore feelings.  But I'm just not.   I stuff those things right down and pick up a Swiffer.  Daily.   (Except for anger...I have that down pat.)

"Because it doesn't f***ing matter!  Nothing will change!"  My feelings decided to surface in a phone call with my friend in response to her asking why I didn't talk to her when she knew I wasn't OK.

Fear, Loneliness, Hopelessness, Worry, Anger (my old pal), Sadness...all feelings I unsuccessfully tried to mask in that phone call.

She got it.  She's a single mom.

I get tired of using that excuse.  I compare myself to my mom and other moms constantly.  Most of them, however, are still married to their baby daddy.

So let me just go ahead and use that excuse.  I'm a single mom.

It blankets every area of my life.  I have to be aware of every penny that I spend.  I have to have a large resource of energy.  I have to be physically and mentally sharp.  I cannot fail.  I work eight hours a day scrubbing toilets and dusting blinds.  My physical body cannot fail.  I make doctor's appointments, calls to teachers, calls to bill collectors, calls to clients on my earphones while I mop.  My life is a flurry of activity.  I use my going out money to buy school uniforms.  I use my savings to buy them shoes.  (Every. Three. Months. Homeboys will not stop growing.)  I have a special calendar for them, filled with due dates, test dates, appointments, and of course their visitation with dad.

Co-parenting with someone who is hostile towards you is not fun.  Sometimes I wish I had stayed in my marriage just to save me from this nightmare.  Please, Tiny Baby Jesus, help my head not to explode.

I have recently been doing the "Let it Be" meditation.  This requires no action on my part.  It isn't the "Letting Go" meditation, which is action oriented.  This is just leaving things as they are.

And for a doer...this is quite the challenge.

I have recently discovered, in my failed attempt yet again at romance, that a romantic companion does little to ease the angst of single motherhood.  If anything, it adds a layer of even more difficult things to balance...your time becomes a commodity.  Something that you have to bargain with and sacrifice.  Planning becomes essential.  I'm not a planner.  Rebekah the Planner is not my gig.  Those words don't even sound good together.  Emotions start peeking out from their hiding place.  It's altogether a precarious event.

Opening your heart just enough for someone to sneak a toe in is treacherous.  There are many pitfalls to this.  And if you miss a beat, you fall in the swamp.  With the alligators.  And snakes.  And insects that look strange.  It's quite the risk.

Failure is almost inevitable.

As is true for most of us, I carry a deep sadness in my soul.  One that has no sick or vacation days.  It's always at work.  Equipped and ready to ride along with me. Every. Damn. Day. 24/7.

The beauty of being an Enneagram 8 is that I typically believe emotions are a waste of time.  With the help of my Type 2 friends, however, I am trying to give them the air time they deserve.  They carry a secret to your soul that only they know.  And ignoring their wisdom just prolongs the pain.

So when they surfaced yesterday, I just let them have the day.  I didn't stop crying.  I took my son to the doctor with puffy eyes and carried on an adult conversation about his health.  I went to the grocery store and checked out while the cashier eyed me curiously.  I cleaned two houses and talked to clients in a professional manner while they were left to wonder if my eyes were always that red and they just never noticed.  I helped my son with his homework and cried.  I made dinner and cried.  I tucked them into bed and cried.   I put away laundry and cried.  I did the dishes and cried.  I made myself just FEEL all the feelings.  And hated every minute of it.

But my brain needed the information that only my emotions could unlock.  So I let those suckers run amuck.

And the secret they revealed was this...my fear of being weak has dominated my life.  As a result, I have closed more doors than I should have.

Disagreeable Rebekah has had the first part of my life.  It's time for Healthy Rebekah to take over.  But we'll see who wins that battle.

Sleeping at Last
Eight

https://youtu.be/K99i5GF65to

I remember the minute

It was like a switch was flipped

I was just a kid who grew up strong enough

To pick this armor up

And suddenly it fit

God, that was so long ago, long ago, long ago

I was little, I was weak, perfectly naive

And I grew up too quick

Now you won’t see all that I have to lose

And all I've lost in the fight to protect it

I won’t let you in, I swore never again

I can't afford, no, I refuse to be rejected

I want to break these bones 'til they're better

I want to break them right and feel alive

You were wrong, you were wrong, you were wrong

My healing needed more than time

When I see fragile things, helpless things, broken things

I see the familiar

I was little, I was weak, I was perfect too

Now I’m a broken mirror

But I can't let you see all that I have to lose

All I’ve lost in the fight to protect it

I can't let you in, I swore never again

I can't afford to let myself be blindsided

I'm standing guard, I'm falling apart

And all I want is to trust you

Show me how to lay my sword down

For long enough to let you through

Here I am, pry me open

What do you want to know?

I’m just a kid who grew up scared enough

To hold the door shut

And bury my innocence

But here's a map, here's a shovel

Here’s my Achilles' heel

I’m all in, palms out, I’m at your mercy now and I'm ready to begin

I am strong, I am strong, I am strong enough to let you in

I’ll shake the ground with all my might

I will pull my whole heart up to the surface

For the innocent, for the vulnerable

I'll show up on the front lines with a purpose

And I’ll give all I have, i'll give my blood, I'll give my sweat

An ocean of tears will spill for what is broken

I’m shattered porcelain, glued back together again

Invincible like I've never been

I am their Mother

I closed the door and allowed the tears to fall.  I hugged my son and went quickly to my bedroom so my emotions could be unbridled without fear of affect.

 "I'm a better mother to the boys than you ever have been."

Words of their now step-mother sitting heavily, encompassing all the free space in my brain. 

I know it's not true.  I know it was said in anger and frustration and from someone who feels threatened by me.  I know this.  But there is always that small part, the dark part, the contrary part that confirms the false.

I recently made a difficult decision concerning my youngest.  After multiple events of obvious stress, I removed my son from his school.  He will not be going back.

I have brought him to that school and watched him walk in, fear prickling my soul.  I have felt uneasy with his attendance there from the beginning.

I should have fought harder.

Graham has had enough to contend with in his short life.  He died but was given back to us.  He has undergone multiple therapies.  Multiple doctors.  Multiple tests and analysis.  He has been poked and prodded and put on display.  His brain has suffered the consequences of his stressful existence.  And school has added to his stress.  A place that should provide comfort and encouragement instead became just another obstacle in his recovery.

I have laid awake at night, mulling over this decision.  I have cried many tears and allowed myself to be vulnerable in situations I typically master.  I have let my boyfriend hold me as my body trembled with grief.  I wake up with anxiety and go to bed with anxiety.  My dreams are full of conflict and disturbances.

This level of despair calls for more than my earthly mind can handle.

So I prayed.

And in the midst of my wrestling with the Almighty, He whispered to me.

"It is time to fight for your son."

I have doubted myself as a mother since that fateful day when Graham fell into a bucket.  I was responsible.  I was blamed.  I was whispered about among mothers.  I was shamed.  And I have struggled with that doubt since.  As a result, I have allowed people who don't know my son as well as I do, to make decisions for him.  I have allowed others to have input into my decisions.  I have been swayed incorrectly at times.  I have ignored my gut.

God created us with an innate need for someone else.  We form an attachment as infants immediately out of the womb that cannot be reversed.  I am that someone for my boys.

The legal definition of primary caregiver is: the parent who has the greatest responsibility for the daily care and rearing of a child. It also refers to a person who has had the greatest responsibility for the daily care and rearing of a child. This person can be a non parent also.

Even if there are women out there who discredit my ability as their mother, the fact that I am their safe haven cannot be changed.

So the gloves are on and I am ready to fight for my child.

I am their mother.  Try taking that away from me.  I dare you.

Thanks to all my Exes

I keep a daily journal of things I'm thankful for, and my running list of ten goals.  Rachel Hollis said this is supposed to re-focus you and bring you closer to your goals everyday, so I obeyed and bought her $30 journal.  The interesting thing about journaling daily things that you're thankful for, is that eventually seemingly negative items end up on it.  I journaled the other day that I was thankful for ex-boyfriends.  I have learned a lot from my failed relationships.

I googled one of them out of curiosity and landed on his memorial page.  Bobby was 39 when he passed and left a wife and four kids behind.  He was one of the most amazing humans I have ever had the pleasure of knowing.  He loved people.  Intensely.  He loved them because he loved God.  He was kind and thoughtful.  He was comfortable in his own skin.  He never felt embarrassed by who he was...and sometimes who he was was embarrassing...to me, a 23 yr. old girl who was very UN-OK in her own skin.  He had this crazy red hair and a man bun.  He wore pants from Thailand that were baggy and tied around his waste.  He was always smiling this mischievous smile.  He was gentle and forgiving with me.  I was a complete disaster at that age, yet he loved me so well I felt almost whole.

As an 8 on the Enneagram, I act first when something happens.  So after discovering his death I immediately called my sister, who also knew Bobby.  We talked about it and I shared memories because my next response is to think.  My last response is always to feel.  It didn't hit me until hours later...the tears finally found their way down my cheeks.

Life happens in these small moments.  It was a very small act that I conducted..googling an ex... that triggered years of memories.  I thought about every boyfriend I had ever had.  Those that I loved and those that I didn't.  Those that were there for seasons and those that hung on through many seasons.  I thought about all the things I learned from them...the good, the bad, the confirmed ugly. 

When we learn to start paying attention to our body's responses to events, we learn to embrace the beauty and simplicity of life...and hopefully learn to be grateful.  My tears over Bobby's death meant something.  It wasn't as easy to label as grief because I hadn't known him for years.  So I walked myself through the feelings...a highly uncomfortable thing for this feeling repressed feeling woman to do.  And at the root of it was fear...the fear that I missed out on what could have been an incredible life.

Pause for dramatic effect.  Because my life is pretty incredible.

Our brains are amazingly subtle in their messages.  They have learned to protect us so well that they take cues from small fears and wreak havoc.  This one small fear could have gotten out of control.  It could have destroyed all that I was thankful for presently.  It could have eaten away the memories of other men, the beauty of the heartaches, the impossibility of knowing.  It could have taken away from me my gratitude.

And without gratitude, we are doomed to live a sub-par life.

So my girl Rach, thank you for the $30 journal.  I wonder what seemingly negative thing I will find to be thankful for today.

Self Care -- a Gross Transgression??

I waited for the familiar flip of my stomach, the increase in my heart rate, the reddening of my face.  I anticipated it.  It was an old friend whose company had long been accepted and adjusted to.  He had made himself at home at my dinner table more times than I could count when this thought arose, so I had already set his place.

But this time, homeboy stood me up.

For the first time since Kindergarten when my affections fell on the cutest boy in my class, the familiar physiological cues of anxiety surrounding a boy a.k.a. man did not make an appearance.

I was confused.  Surely I'm still the same little girl whose worth depends upon whether the flavor of the month likes her or not.  Surely, at 42, this hasn't changed.  Perhaps my body didn't get the cues right and is simply delayed in its response.

I waited five minutes and thought about the boy a.k.a. man again.  Still nothing, Jesus.

It settled on me with a heaviness mixed with relief and joy.  I had broken my body's response to what I used to categorize as fear.  I had said enough times in the midst of my unwelcome dinner guest things to combat his presence.

"You are enough."
"You are beautiful."
"You are kind."
"You are intelligent."
"You deserve more."
"You are honest."
"You are worthy."
"You are amazing."
"You are a catch."
"Any man would be lucky to have you."
"You are funny."
"You are successful."

My brain had been programmed for so long to believe the opposite.  When a thought about a man arose, my brain immediately went into protection mode.  My body cleared the way for anxiety to settle in with its physical responses to my negative thoughts.  They went something like this:

"You are not good enough for him."
"Of course he doesn't like you."
"You're too fat for him."
"You're not successful enough."
"You don't work out enough."
"You're not pretty enough."
"You're too much."
"You drink too much."
"You laugh too loudly."
"Your nose is too big."
"You're not clever enough."
"You're too clingy."
"You're not funny."
"He's too good for you."

and so on...

After my two week stint of anticipating news of cancer, I suppose my brain was finally done with the bullshit.  It finally got the clue that my time belonged only to me and to waste it would be foolish.  It finally flipped the script and joined the "We Love Rebekah" camp of positive thoughts.

I had successfully changed my brain.

Our responses to life are controlled by what we have taught our brain to believe.  If we believe that we are worthy, our brain will look for things to reinforce that belief.  If we believe the opposite, it will do the same.

But we are in control of this phenomenon.  We are the ones steering our thoughts.  We are the ones controlling our beliefs.  We, alone, hold the power to changing ourselves.

Along with this beautiful acceptance of myself came the desire to be alone.

I'm not afraid of spending time alone.  I never have been.  I am usually very happily singing to very loud music and cleaning.  I play the piano.  I paint.  I garden.  I cook.  I am not the girl who can't be alone.  But this sense of aloneness that I now crave is different.  I'm always aware of myself and the joy I find in being me.  I'm alone in crowds, just me and my thoughts having interesting conversations.  I'm alone when I work, though I work alongside a helper and the occasional client.

I'm the coolest person I know, so being alone now has this extra edge of beauty and mystery to it.

Growing up in a Southern Baptist environment, the theme was to die to yourself.  Anything about self-love was considered mystical and sinful.  I have first hand experience with this faulty thinking.   (This conversation requires Chopin...please hold while I play the Chopin Pandora station to get the creative juices turned on.)

But if we are to truly love others, we must love ourselves first.  We are incapable of wholly loving if we loathe who we are.  I'm no expert on the Bible anymore, but I vaguely remember a verse about loving others as we love ourselves.  This assumes that we do, in fact, love ourselves.

So where is the disconnect?  Why did the church assume that loving yourself was sinful and evil?  Why is self-care a "mystical" and "Eastern" idea to good, Baptist folk?

I clearly remember sitting in a Sunday School class as an adult when a woman began talking about how she meditates and does Yoga to help her with her anxiety.  The response from the teacher was less than tasteful...it was something like "those practices are not godly because they are self-centered."

John Calvin said, "Without knowledge of self, there is no knowledge of God."

I agree heartily with this statement.

Our parents' generation has resisted loving themselves.  They have resisted self-care and self-awareness.  They have hidden from it, like it was a secret holocaust ready to implode.  I have been scoffed at many times for doing things to take care of myself as a mother.  The unspoken words were that they didn't do all of these things and were able to raise us just fine.  The subtle message is that they are stronger than we are because they didn't need such frivolities. 

But the truth was they were stressed out, unhappy mothers who were hanging on by a thread.

What a disservice they suffered...largely the fault of the church and its not-so-subtle message that self-care was wrong.  They must have stayed in high-anxiety mode because the solutions were not only considered selfish and wrong, but considered a gross transgression against God.  Their brains must have stayed stressed out.  They must have been tired.  They were definitely unappreciated.  They must have been alone and fearful.  When perhaps the solution to all their anxiety and stress and exhaustion was just a damn trip to Target by themselves with their favorite coffee.

I believe that we are so convoluted in our ideas of strength that we have shut off the tap that would otherwise freely flow God's love and care.  If strength was instead wholly loving yourself, which would be proven by your acts of self-care, then the world would be a lot less stressed out and much more loving.

If I had not been on a mission to love myself, my brain would have continued on its erroneous path of self-destructive messages.  These thoughts become actions.  And actions have consequences.

I can say without doubt that my actions are mostly the actions of a woman who wholly loves herself.  There are those moments when I eat too much ice cream or drink too much, but I'm in process, okay?????  And Blue Bell and vodka was made to be enjoyed.  I'm just a girl standing in front of a freezer asking it to feed me frozen, creamy goodness.

Thanks to my journey to love myself, my brain and I are now on a positive upswing (Bluebell and vodka are also present).  I no longer have anxiety responses to boys not liking me.  I could care less.  I have more than enough love for myself...men no longer hold the key to the delightful kingdom of Rebekah.

Naked Fear

I was sitting in the waiting room with my Ochsner robe on, flipping through a magazine.  It was drafty in there and I was wishing I had worn my wool-lined Uggs and boot socks to combat the chill...at least on the bottom half of my body.  The small thought that perhaps I would get bad news quickly flitted through my head then was quickly dismissed.  Nothing like that happens to me, I thought to myself.   My body and I are too tight...it wouldn't betray me.

The Radiologist squeezed the cold gel on my chest and started the invasion.  Right breast was quick and easy.  Left breast...he took longer.  Much longer.  The mood in the room went from light and chatty to unnervingly quiet.  He and the nurse fussed over me as they cleaned the gel off and helped me back into my robe.  He sat somberly in his chair and began the explanation of his findings.  He found a mass.  It was concerning.  The words biopsy and cancer hung in the air.  I stopped breathing at some point and fought back tears.  Surely this would not be the moment my life drastically changed.  Surely not in this tiny room with these strangers halfway dressed after being groped would the course of my life screech to a halt.  Surely...

I begged silently for their words to stop so I could escape to my car and release the sobs I was stifling.  The doctor gently shook my hand and left in silence.  The nurse told me to take a deep breath and directed me to the changing room.  Finally, I found myself in my car and the pending sobs collapsed as threatened.

When I was able to squeak out a "hello," I began calling my family.  Their words were expected and comforting:

"We don't know anything yet."
"This is standard procedure."
"It's a very treatable kind of cancer if they caught it early."
And my favorite, by my brother-in-law.... "Don't go to crazy-town, Rebekah."

I am two years past the due date for my mammogram.  I hate making time to go to the doctor.  I'm super healthy, so it seems like a waste of time...so I thought.  But when I had my annual last week, my doctor urged me to go see if there was a spot for a mammogram open that day.  Within minutes, I was waiting, topless, to get my breasts squeezed uncomfortably into a machine.  I was disgruntled and irritated at the seeming waste of time.  Even when I got the call stating there were abnormalities and an ultrasound was needed, I scoffed.  We'll see if I actually make this appointment, I thought to myself.  There is nothing wrong with me.

For two weeks, my family and close friends held their breath.  They called often.  They texted  more.  I walked through the following weeks with an intense amount of anxiety.  Food was not appealing.  I learned to go to sleep and wake with a huge pressure sitting on my chest.  I learned to manage living as a mom and business owner with almost paralyzing stress.

I am thankful the anxiety ended with good news.  The lump was benign.  Not everyone is this lucky.

I did not escape that experience unscathed.  It altered the course of my life.  It changed the chemistry in my brain as my body struggled to stay balanced.  It changed my relationships...it deepened some and gave me permission to release others.  It forced me to be exposed and vulnerable ... to be human.

I said one night to my dear friend during the height of my anxiety that if this experience has done anything for me, it has pushed me to live fearlessly.  Well, even more fearlessly.  (I'm not exactly the girl that hides from experiences out of fear.)

But what does scare me is continuing to evolve as a woman independent of a man.  My fear is that I will scare off any possibility of companionship by being fiercely autonomous.  As a result, I have hesitated in my growth.  I have tiptoed towards it with caution.  I have considered the consequences of my actions through the lens of companionship instead of my own evolution.

Having that word "cancer" uttered by a stranger in relation to my body was enough to release me from this tether.  I will no longer pause in my procession towards greatness.  Life is too short to be shackled.  It's too precious to be stifled.  And should I find myself once again in a drafty room with a robe on to cover my nakedness from sterile strangers, I will be able to rest in the knowledge that I lived fearlessly.

A Star Is Born

I went to see A Star is Born.

Heavy Sigh.

The premise of the movie is two people who immediately have a deep connection.  Their romance is fast and furious, full of emotion and passion, angst and tears.  Lots and lots of tears. 

As I watched it, with a man I've been dating beside me, I found myself incredibly uncomfortable.  I felt like I was supposed to buy into the idea that love looks like that.  I felt like I was suddenly daft and ignorant to how relationships work and what love is.  I felt exactly like the movie wanted me to feel....caught up in the fairy tale and folded into the story line...lost in their beauty and discontent with my own.

I left the theater thinking that I had missed the boat on great love because none of my relationships looked like that.

We walked out silently while I tried to hold it together.  My mind was full of my own failures at romance and the fear that it will never happen again for me.  I was deconstructing all my relationships and all the reasons we shouldn't have dated.  Mostly, it was because we couldn't sing, he doesn't make me cry, and he would never write me a love song. 

Firm eye roll.

I carried these emotions with me into the next day.  And the next day, which was the dreaded court date over custody of my boys.  I sat in that office while my lawyer made my case, across from my ex-husband, and felt overwhelmed with failure and fear.  The result was not in my favor.  I gathered up my large file of why their dad should get less time with them, picked up what dignity I had left, and exited the building where my life had just changed.  Again.

I spent the entire day crying.  Hard, ugly crying.  I had to wear sunglasses to pick my boys up so they, and the rest of the world, wouldn't see my pain.

My friends and family called, but I couldn't hear the disappointment in their voice.  I couldn't hear their "I told you so" tone (that was most likely just in my imagination).  I couldn't hear any encouragement or positivity.  Nothing was going to be received.  I avoided the phone calls.  The one thing I was able to do was Marco Polo (video app) one of my besties who lets me video journal my life.  I talked unhinged.  By the end of the day, my eyes were swollen and painful.

Through my unfiltered blubberings to my bestie, many things became apparent.
1.  I had bought into the lie that my life was harder than other people's.
2.  I was ill equipped to handle the difficulty.
3.  I would never find great love like Lady Gaga and Bradley Cooper.  (Insert a sarcastic, but gravely serious, chuckle.)
4.  I would never love and be loved again.

The beauty in surrounding yourself with people who know and love you...and are themselves incredible people, is that their truths combat your lies.

When I was ready to receive it, my dear friend spoke truth over me.

1.  My life is not unique in that it is filled with difficulty.  Join the freakin' club, sister.
2.  The same God who parted the Red Sea, who tore down the walls of Jericho and who raised Jesus from the dead is the One who is with you.  Nothing is too difficult for Him.
3.  I found great love like Lady Gaga and Bradley Cooper, despite the fact that neither one of us could sing.  He was also an alcoholic and it also ended.  (As it should have...but huge, freakin' sigh.)
4.  I may not find love again...but my life is full despite not having someone to share it with.  And for the first time in a long while I'm fine alone.  (Not happy alone...not content alone ... but fine.)

We're all just broken people trying to find our place in the world.  Our place may or may not be in a romantic relationship.   And it certainly doesn't include Bradley Cooper (another huge, freakin' sigh).  But this star, like Lady Gaga, was born out of brokenness.

Eat Up, Girl

I was stress eating last night, which is far better than stress drinking because you wake up without a hangover though you hate yourself a little more than if you had been drinking.  I ate Blue Bell, then I finished off a King Cake I had from the football party.  It was satisfyingly delicious and appeased my need for emotional eating.  I follow the Keto diet mostly, but I do have moments of cheating.  Sometimes these moments stretch into days.  But who's counting.

Every time I eat something I shouldn't, this chorus of voices starts singing loudly that I am weak.  I stuff their mouths with a sandwich and continue consuming my erroneous food choice.

The beauty about being mentally healthy...perhaps as mentally healthy as I will ever be ... is that I no longer allow the thought that I failed in my consumption of large amounts of calories to travel to my self-esteem where it used to make itself at home.  And fix another damn sandwich.  This time, the failure extends only so far as my stomach...that is protruding a little further than it should.  And homegirl moves on.  Because I burn at least 1500 calories a day cleaning houses for a living and I can afford to cheat a little.

I am smugly satisfied at the changes in my perception of myself and the world.  I love myself more.  I can recognize when others aren't loving me and am able to move the heck on.  I respect myself more and can recognize disrespect in others...and move the heck on.  I tolerate much less.  I allow few opinions to seep into my psyche.  I am focused and driven.  I accept that I will have bad days...and move the heck on.  (I would really like to say "move the the f#$% on", but I'm a Southern woman and that is not appropriate vocabulary.  But it is secretly one of my favorite words...forgive me, tiny baby Jesus.)

My dad said to me when I was having a wallow-kind-of-day and in a state of upset while on the phone with him, "honey, let's just move on."  I was a little miffed at his words.  I felt like a ten minute griping session was not even close to satisfying my need to gripe.  But I accepted his lament and moved the heck (or f!**) on.  Later that night, my son was having a total meltdown about not getting a toy at the toy store in the mall.  I found myself repeating my dad's words when I felt he had cried enough tears over the subject, though I said it not as nicely as my dad, "baby, you got to move on!"  (I may have said it shrilly and with much exasperation.  Homegirl is not as smugly satisfied about her patience with her children.)  My son did not obey as well as his mother did when told this by a parent, for the record.  I do act like an obedient adult on occasion and do as I'm told.  But that is more than likely restricted only to instructions by my father.

What is perhaps the most amazing thing about growth is that the healthier you become, the closer you become to the person you were CREATED to be.  God is amazing like that.  He is the epitome of goodness.  He is the epitome of mental health.  He knows that we are better people, more able to love and accept love, when we are the fullness of who we were meant to be.  He knows because He designed us that way.  He is not a champion of weakness or self-hate.  He is the defender of weakness and the abolisher of self-hate.  He is the protector of all things good.  He is the author of self-love and mental health.  None of this is new to Him.  None of this is surprising to Him.  Humans have always hated themselves.  Humans have always left on the table what they should have been consuming in large portions... self-love.  That is the one thing that won't make your stomach protrude or leave you hating yourself a little the next morning.  So eat up, girl.