Chaotic Purpose

"Momma, watch this flip!"
"Momma, look at this booger!"
"Momma, I just farted on you!"
"Momma, catch!"
"Momma, watch out!"

These are just a few of the things that are said daily in my house.  #boymom

My boys spill. Regularly.  They don't walk.  They bounce.  They don't sit.  They fidget.  You can tell what they have eaten by looking at their face, hands and clothing.  They are like Pigpen...wherever they go, there is a cloud of mess in their wake.

And for this clean freak it's a bit of a challenge.

Not that you would know that I like a clean house by looking at its current state.  We have been cooped up for two days.

I am almost out of food and I just went to the grocery Sunday.  They eat CONSTANTLY.

My friend who is single and without kids is easily unnerved when she is here.  My boys will be wrestling and things will be falling all around them and I am calmly sitting in my chair reading or playing on my phone while the hairs on the back of her head are standing at alert.

Having these two little boys is an instant guarantee for singlehood.  I told a date once that I do not expose others to my boys in long stints because they are so full of energy it is hard for most people to handle them in large doses.

I could do what some do and attempt to make a family with a man who isn't their dad.  But the chances of finding someone patient enough to deal with two rowdy boys and a momma who is fiercely protective is slim.  It would most likely be a picture of stress and chaos.

After all my research on the brain since Graham's accident, I am overly sensitive to chaos.  When I was picking schools for them, this was the guiding force in my decision.  The most popular private school gave me anxiety from the moment I walked in.  I had a tour scheduled, but I turned around and walked out.  When we go to events where there are large crowds and lots of noise, we stay only an hour.  Our activities are typically limited to the library and the outdoors or playdates with a few kids.

They make enough noise on their own.  Without any added stimulation.

I have friends who plan activities for their kids often.  And there are times when I feel like I should be more involved.  But then I think about all they have had to endure and the stress their little brains must already feel, and that guilt goes away.

I think as a society in general we have become used to being busy.  It induces a feeling of productivity and accomplishment.  And purpose.  So instead of taking a day to putz around in our own homes, we feverishly run around.  We do errands on our day off.  We go to the crowded gym to workout with lots of others.  We go to the movies and sit with a multitude of strangers.  We eat out just the same.

And our brains most likely are begging us to be still.

We are over-medicated and under-nourished.  We are over-involved and under rested.

And we wonder why our bodies are not keeping up and our brains are broken.

There are times when I have to turn my phone off and spend time being "cut off" from the world.  I can feel that my brain needs to rest.  Facebook alone invokes so much stimulation, it is probably the maximum stimulation that your brain needs if you look at it for ten minutes a day.  We are on it for an accumulation of hours.

I had a friend tell me that when I didn't have my boys, I just needed to make money.  "So you want me to clean four jobs a day and come home and do more work?"  I could feel my heart rate increasing just by speaking that.

"If I don't have enough money cleaning four jobs a day, there is something wrong with the way I am living." was my reply.  The thought of "working" continuously is repellant to me.

Another dude asked me why I didn't wake up at 5:30 a.m. and go to the gym when I didn't have my boys.  Again, increased heart rate just contemplating that scenario.

I am an early bird so it wasn't the idea of getting up at 5:30 a.m. that made my heart pound.  It was the thought of forgoing my cup of coffee and my contemplative time.  This is the time when I make sense of what has happened and what is happening.  This is when God and I work together on my brain to make good choices and plan for better.  If I needed to rise and rush out of the house to build my "muscles" I might look good and feel falsely productive, but I would have a stressed out brain which would eventually erode that good looking body.

Having said this, I am far from lazy.  If I am sitting still, it is intentional.  I am always doing something that God and I decided was important.  Laundry, cleaning, organizing my house, texting my friend, planning my week, looking up recipes, listening to music, watching Netflix while doing my exercises, paying bills, invoicing clients, ordering supplies, writing.

A scene from "The Shack" (the movie):
God is sitting in a chair with sunglasses on.
Mac to God:  God has time to sunbathe?
God:  You have no idea how much I'm getting done right now.

If I don't accomplish another thing for the rest of my life in my career, I will have fulfilled my purpose.  My purpose is to love well and be a great momma.  Period.  Nothing needs to be added.  That is my calling.  Life is lived in the quiet as much as it is in the hustle and bustle.

And until I feel God expanding my brain to handle more stimuli, I'll be in a messy house wrestling with some rowdy boys.