It's not ever going to go away. You don't heal from something like this. You don't get to put the pain aside. It just becomes a strand in your myriad of patterns. I thought I was over it. But sitting in that conference room with his teacher and counselor, one thought permeated the awkward silence....this is my fault.
After Graham's accident, doctors told us that we wouldn't know the extent of his injuries until his brain was ready for that specific skill. It could be a multitude of things that would reveal themselves over the course of his youth and early adulthood. He's experiencing it now. The effects of his accident are evident in his academic development. My heart just hurts.
It's my fault.
I should have been watching him more closely. I should not have let him explore the ground. I was more concerned about the cleaning products than the bucket. I should have thought about all possible dangers.
I remember being really aggravated that day. I was furiously trying to clean my car quickly so I could get dinner on. I was sharp with the boys. My brain was anxious and stressed out already. I wonder if that was another way that God was preparing me for what was to come next.
Finding him in that bucket and realizing he was not breathing was the worst moment of my life. But my brain was ready for it. It leapt into action. Had I been in a calm mood who knows what the outcome would have been. So many little things that all put together may have ended up saving his life.
It's my fault.
I can't shake that feeling. It won't go away...it will just be a part of how I parent.
Guilt is an interesting thing. It hibernates until it's stirred. Then it holds your hand for a while until it becomes sleepy again. But you know it's there. Under the covers. Dormant at times but still a living organism.
Hearing that your child isn't developing correctly is not fun. It's even less fun when you can assume responsibility for it. Hurting for your child is a different kind of pain. It's not a surface pain. Like a paper cut. It's like having an internal bleed. It's a steady, numb, heavy pain that is in collusion with your soul. And the bleeding never stops.
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