Southward Thoughts of a Primary Care Giver

It was that kind of day.  I felt sluggish under the pressure of life.  Breathing was hard.  Moving even harder.  My thoughts were full of angles and southward turns.  I had convinced myself in that moment that it was better to go be with Jesus.  That was the only thought that calmed me.

But there was a serious problem with that solution...two little boys.

I liked to shirk my importance as a mom when they were younger.  I told myself that others were more capable than I.  I felt like a little kid raising kids.  It took me going through a divorce and becoming a single momma to understand how far from the truth this was.

I am their primary care giver.

Pause for dramatic effect.

Their dad and I decided long ago that his role in their lives was just as important as mine.  We share custody of them.   They were going to his house for a week at a time and then to mine.  When we met with our parenting coordinator, she adamantly opposed this schedule.

"That's a really long time for your boys to go that long without seeing their mom."  She said.

Part of being a primary care giver is accepting that you have the most influence on your children.   You are the one who teaches them how to care for themselves.  You are the one who will affect how they bond with others because they learn how to bond from their primary care givers.  They learn whether it's safe to love freely from you.  They learn how to respond to difficulty by how you respond.  They learn affection from you.  Their brain development depends on you.  You have the power to make or break how safe they feel.

In the beginning of our separation I needed help from whoever would give it.  Or I thought I did, at least.  I did not want the responsibility of being their mom.  I was a mess.  I didn't trust my judgement.  I was grieving and lost.  I used sitters often because it was more comfortable for me to leave them in the care of someone I thought was more capable.  I had people over often because I was scared to be alone with them.  It wasn't a great time for this mom.  I looked for companionship so I wouldn't have to do it alone.  I almost made a grievous decision that we all would have paid for out of this false belief that I wasn't important.

But Jesus took care to resolve that.  He continued to put people in my path who affirmed my role as a mom.  He spoke to me through my sister often.  With kindness she helped me find my way.  I'm sure she wasn't alone in her prayers for me...and my boys.

Now my time away from my boys is planned.  If I get a sitter it is thought out.  My boys and I talk about who they want to come over and "play".  God and I made a deal that I wouldn't leave them with someone else unless I had to work or they would benefit from it.

I'm their primary care giver.  On my worst days where my thoughts are southern, two little boys call me momma.