Rebekah is more constricted. She is a rule follower. She's a good Southern Baptist girl...most of the time...
Unfortunately, Rebekah's not a super happy person and remains stressed out and confused.
Abby beats to her own drum. She doesn't align herself with rules just because she is supposed to. She doesn't feel unnecessary pressure to perform societal duties like Kate Chopin's character in The Awakening. She lives her life as it aligns with who she is.
She's a pretty happy person.
Since this joke began, I've been digging into why I have two sides to myself and why they are so highly conflicted. I'm not so daft or tied to social pressures that I can't acknowledge that this is in fact a problem within my own identity.
I am always drawn to people who knew who they were and lived their life accordingly. They are kind to others who disagree with them, but this doesn't change their convictions. They are steadfast and sure, confident and strong. And they see right through me.
Two of my dear friends saw this within the first few weeks of knowing me. I remember being supremely surprised and disturbed when he told me that he thought I didn't know who I was. I was offended at first, but then so thankful that someone had the courage to tell me. He knew himself well...and could spot someone who didn't out of a crowd. He was right, of course.
I have been fighting two personas most of my life. Most of my life I have been the conservative side of my personality. Most of my life has called for it...or so I thought.
I am 41 years old and just now trying to mesh the two sides. I want to be who I am, unwavering in my convictions. I don't want to be wishy washy or conflicted anymore. That state is more exhausting than just dealing with whatever repercussions come with being myself.
So why the fear of being my entire self?
I'm a people pleaser. And people all have different opinions. Thus, the conflict in who I am in order to please others.
I was raised Southern Baptist, in a family of incredible people. But there are many rules in this way of living. And for a rebel, it's a bit stifling.
Thus the conflict.
I have seen a big chunk of the world. I have been friends with people from all walks of life. All races and economic statuses. I have read my fair share of literature that exposed me to all sorts of ideas and theories, but lived in small cities compared to the settings of much of my literature.
Thus, conflict.
I am a preacher's daughter who has a hard time with religion. I've grown up with people watching me, telling me how to behave and how not to behave. Using words like, "sin" and "fallen nature" and "self-seeking" to describe behaviors that were outside of the Southern Baptist religion.
Thus, conflict.
As a single mom, I am now being required to find happiness within myself. No one will be able to provide that for me. I don't have a distraction in a mate. I am being forced to find peace within myself. And this means combining my two personalities.
The beginnings of this metamorphosis has already caused a few to worry. I have discovered that as much as I love my children, I need more than just them to thrive. I need to work. I need to have adult interactions on a daily basis. I need to write and read and spend time alone. I need to have breaks from the responsibilities that come with being a full time, single mother.
Moving to the North Shore was on the table at one point. And I seriously considered moving. But then I thought about all that would mean. I would be the sole provider for my boys. I wouldn't have help. I would have to drive for my boys to see their dad. And they would rely solely on me for everything. That idea was nixed once I processed all that it would mean for me.
Coinciding personalities challenge #1 solved.
I work largely alone in my cleaning business. I do sometimes see clients, but they are not there to catch up on how my week went. And nor am I. So I have set up office at my favorite bar/grill after a day of cleaning to do invoicing and billing. With or without a drink, I'm there. I'm surrounded by people I know and this provides the adult interaction I need. Instead of working at home alone on all the back office daily requirements, I do it from my phone in public. At first, I felt superbly guilty for this and like a bit of a bar fly, but that guilt was coming from others not me.
Coinciding personalities challenge #2 solved.
There are times when I use a sitter. And not my parents. Sometimes I've worked hard on a project and need to get a late lunch with a friend instead of pick my boys up from school. Or there is an activity happening that I want to attend and I go after I put my boys to bed. This use of sitters was also a very sensitive subject. I get a lot of push back for using babysitters when my boys are with their dad 10 days out of the month. But when I think about how little time other parents spend with their kids and how much time I get to spend with my kids in our little apartment because I set my own hours, this guilt somewhat subsided. I take my boys to school every morning. I pick them up most days. The reality is that I am a working mother. And working mothers have to be careful about the balance between play and responsibility. And I need my alone time if my boys are to get the best version of me.
Coinciding personalities challenge #3 solved.
I've never been a huge fan of the Southern Baptist religion. I love Jesus. I love my family. I love praise and worship music. I love listening to my dad preach. I love seeing people I love and sitting by my mom. But attending a Southern Baptist church is not something I would do on my own. I do it largely because I want to please my parents and spend time with them. With my parents moving, this conflict will be removed and I'll be free to explore other religions. (Not that I'm not going to miss my parents badly....or my church....but Abby is trying to join Rebekah here)
Coinciding personalities challenge #4 solved.
I've dated many men since my divorce, and though I always said I would be monogamous if they ever showed that they were serious about me, I'm relatively certain this is not true. I like the freedom I have of not answering to anyone. I like my boys having just their dad to be their dad. I like living alone and having my own space. As much as I enjoy the interaction that dating provides, having that one special person seems like a fairy tale. I've discovered in this modern world of dating that we are all too scared to commit and would rather just keep relationships light. Though I'm not prescribing to having light relationships, I am prescribing to being non-committal. I enjoy people and all the different things they bring to my life. One has a shared love of music. One literature. One of them makes me laugh unhinged. One just gets me. One takes me on fancy dinners and explores New Orleans with me. One of them helps me discover new things about myself. One reminds me of what it's like to be a kid. One of them stimulates my intellect. They are all kind. All respectful. All lovely men who just enjoy spending time with me and vice versa. Instead of feeling like a "player" I now just feel lucky.
Coinciding personalities challenge #5 solved.
I love to clean. It is my passion. I love making people happy. I love teaching them about how to clean their house and what products to use. I love having the alone time it affords to listen to music or Ted Talks. I simply love it. I felt like perhaps I should find a "real" job that had stable hours and benefits at one point. But I know deep in my soul that I won't be as happy. I had a client tell me this past week that I make her life better. Another who told me having a clean house was just what she needed after her surgery. Another who told me that I relieved stress for her. I. Love. My. Job. and have zero desire to do something else.
Coinciding personalities challenge #6 solved.
My life is my own. Well, it's God's but aside from that obvious fact, it's my own. And in order for my boys to live a life where they will find peace and strength in who they were created to be, I must emulate that.
Abby is disappearing into Rebekah. I'm thankful because I like my name just fine.
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