When Harry Met Sally

When Harry Met Sally....

Harry Burns: Would you like to have dinner?... Just friends.

Sally Albright: I thought you didn't believe men and women could be friends.

Harry Burns: When did I say that?

Sally Albright: On the ride to New York.

Harry Burns: No, no, no, I never said that... Yes, that's right, they can't be friends. Unless both of them are involved with other people, then they can... This is an amendment to the earlier rule. If the two people are in relationships, the pressure of possible involvement is lifted... That doesn't work either, because what happens then is, the person you're involved with can't understand why you need to be friends with the person you're just friends with. Like it means something is missing from the relationship and why do you have to go outside to get it? And when you say "No, no, no it's not true, nothing is missing from the relationship," the person you're involved with then accuses you of being secretly attracted to the person you're just friends with, which you probably are. I mean, come on, who the hell are we kidding, let's face it. Which brings us back to the earlier rule before the amendment, which is men and women can't be friends.

He said he didn't want to talk to me anymore and told me to take care.  It wasn't the first time I had heard these words.  But they never stop hurting. 

He wanted to date, but I waffled enough to infuriate the situation and caused him to cut me out completely instead.  It wasn't my intention.

I generally trust friendship.  Relationships?  Not so much. 

I don't like it when people leave me.  But the truth is...they leave either way.

If this is the case, then why the need to befriend who you date before you date them?  I didn't want to lose him.  I wanted him to be my friend.  But in the end, it wasn't enough for him.  I lost him.

If men and women can truly be friends, then there must be a way to convince your attraction of just that.  They aren't yours to have.  They are simply there to enjoy in a completely platonic way.  Which means you should be able to convince your heart of something if it's important enough.

I suppose most of the time it's not important enough.  The role you play in some people's lives is just a limited role.  You aren't meant to be there forever.  You're simply there to fill a need that is immediate.  If you can't fill that immediate role, then you are cut from the movie and another takes your place.

My dad told me when I was younger that people were not disposable and to treat them as such was wrong.

He was never a single person in his 40s.

If my fear of people leaving me drives every relationship I have, then only the truly persistent ones will stick around.  If I temper every interaction with the deep seated belief that I will be left in the long run, my interactions are superficial and limited.  People can wade in the superficial only so long before they get antsy.  They want a genuine piece of you.  They want to believe that you will invest in them also.  It takes one persistent mo-fo to be my friend....and an even more persistent one to date me.  And frankly, people just don't have that kind of patience or staying power.  So they move on to the next.

People are disposable.

I am disposable.

To believe that you are unique to someone in a world where we have access to millions of people is a bit outdated.

I remember telling my husband when we were separated that he would have to work to get me back.  I had discovered that there were other men out there and he was not at all in their league...so I thought.  He became disposable to me compared to these seemingly amazing men I had met.

How wrong I was.

I quickly learned that our years of history would never be replaced.  I would never be with another man who was the father of my children.  Who cried with me when our son was in ICU.  Who held my hand when I was birthing both our babies.  Who renovated our house with me.  I would never find someone who would be able to fill that hole that he left in my history.  Try as I may...as appealing as all those men with impressive jobs and sculpted bodies were...he was the one who stood beside me all those years.  He stood in the fire with me he just didn't have the desire to watch me emerge from it.

Getting to know someone takes time.  It takes energy and resources.  It takes patience and love.  It is hard work.  It requires character and staying power ... and persistence.  It demands that you stay even when they hurt you.  It's not an easy task.

A resume on a dating app will not give you this information.

When I look back on my history of friendships, it's the ones who have stuck beside me through my worst that are the dearest.  They didn't leave though they had every reason to because I had nothing to give but ugliness and pain.  They loved me harder.  Prayed for me with more fervency.  Carried me if they had to.  They loved me when I ugly cried.  They loved me when I pushed them away.  The ones who couldn't handle the fire left quickly.  It was the ones who were willing to get burned that mattered.

So maybe the question isn't whether men and women can be friends...it's whether you can love someone when they ugly cry...and stay long enough to see them emerge from the house they just burnt down.

That kind of love isn't disposable.