Collateral Beauty: Love isn't a Spider Web

“I love my children. I would give up the unessential; I would give my money, I would give my life for my children; but I wouldn’t give myself.”

--Kate Chopin, The Awakening

I have read this book so much, the pages are no longer bound to the center. I read it at every stage in my life. It's about a woman who is a wife and mother and wakes up to find that she hasn't lived her life at all. She has simply gone through the motions of living. It's set in the 1800s where women's entire existence was to care for their families and put on social graces.

I would have a hard time living in that time.

She shirks her responsibilities and begins doing what she wants. She rents her own flat. She starts to paint. She vacations at the beach without her husband. She is a serious rebel.

Rebel, I get.

I always repeated this quote when my kids were little. Even before I had kids, it was one of my favorite quotes.

No question, I would die for my kids. In a heartbeat.

And I thought that living a life that was solely devoted to them was repulsive, where I sacrificed who I was at every turn.

But now...not so much.

Something changed in me when I became a single mom. I became a fierce protector of my boys. There isn't a move that I make that doesn't have them in mind. Even if it's a mistake...they are there haunting my bad decisions. I cannot live without thinking about them. They have overtaken everything about who I am.

One of the hard parts of dating with children is knowing that you cannot introduce your kids to them for a while. Which makes getting to know me a bit cumbersome...because they ARE who I am. Yes, I enjoy music and reading and swimming and good times outside with my friends. And I really, really like Mexican food. But THEY are the central thing that makes me me.

I thought Kate had it right. It made total sense when I was younger and married. I had to work to maintain my identity because it's easy to get lost in the midst of so many little people (and a big man) who needs you.

But now I just think she's selfish.

Kate's wrong because her quote was purely from a self-serving place. It didn't have anything to do with the well-being of her children, but the well-being of herself.

I would be willing to be a wall flower without a personality for the rest of my life if it meant my boys would be complete people. If giving up everything about who I am would make them happy and whole, I would do it.

But we know the reality is that this isn't how God made us...or how He made love. We don't become better people when we cause others to lose themselves. We don't get love if this is true. God created us to be fully ourselves with the ability to love others who are also fully themselves. And that love is patient, that love is kind. That love does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. That love does not dishonor others, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs.

So if we are to love our children the way that God loves us, we maintain our identities because we know it's for their good. We know that it would not benefit them to fade out so they can live. Because ultimately, it's not the decimation of a person that encourages them to love and live as God loves us.

I had many relationships where it was a requirement of me if I wanted to stay to fade. They were angled and twisted and dark. I couldn't make a move without finding myself stuck even more. I told people I felt like I was living in a cobweb...the more I moved, the more steadfastly stuck I became. I remember thinking that if I continued in the relationships, I would become a shell of myself...like so many abused women before me had become.

Knowing that loving in a healthy way is for the best, doesn't remove the fact that the desire to lose myself for my children to be happy isn't there. It just means that being a parent, fully and totally loving your children, means also embracing that they will love others as you have taught them to love. And requesting the annihilation of another person is not the kind of love you want your kids to emulate.

So maybe Kate did get it right...in the end she did find herself and her love for her children became healthy and fierce also. She just needed a starting point.

It's a progression...loving your children. So full of dichotomies and latent responsibilities. But love...love is the #1 goal.

If loving my kids means giving up Mexican food for the rest of my life....ummm... thankfully that will never be a choice I have to make.

https://youtu.be/dHWajFVon_A

Rows of houses, all bearing down on me

I can feel their blue hands touching me

All these things into position

All these things we'll one day swallow whole

And fade out again and fade out

This machine will, will not communicate

These thoughts and the strain I am under

Be a world child, form a circle

Before we all go under

And fade out again and fade out again

Cracked eggs, dead birds