"What would you tell me if I were in your shoes?" I asked.
She blushed. Knowing it would be the same thing I was saying to her.
It is quite different when you are living the situation. Friends can give you advice. And it is probably sound and good, but the truth is the reality of acting on that good advice is not easy.
Her particular set of circumstances is familiar to me. The "he's not a good guy and we need to break up" set. She was in my shoes...the giver of good advice...many times. Rarely did I listen. I had to let the situation blow itself up beyond repair before I did anything proactively about it. I'm prepared to watch this same thing happen.
I hear it in my friends' voices who are married. They call me when they are at the bottom, full of despair and know I can relate. And inevitably, when I check on them the next day or a few days later, they are hopeful again and embarrassed by what they told me. Their tune is quite different this time.
"He's really a great guy.""I was just having a really bad day."
"We talked about it and I feel so much better."
"I just misunderstood what happened."
"He really does love me."
And all sorts of similar responses.
We both know it's bullshit.
I lived in two marriages where I did this exact same thing to my friends. So much so that some of them asked me to stop talking to them about it. Some didn't have to ask. It was just a natural progression. I knew that until I left, my attitude about our marriage would be predictable. I would hate him and want to leave....then I would love him and be glad I stayed....
Rinse and Repeat.
Over and over. And over.
I lived like that in my first marriage. For three long years. I was on a roller coaster of emotion and I couldn't get off of it. Until I felt at peace and made a decision. One that I did not regret.
It was God. I don't have that kind of resolve.
In my second marriage, we just stayed inside a hurricane. Most of the time things were good and we were at peace in the eye. But the storms got more frequent and the duration longer. The winds picked up speed and stuff started flying around. The flood waters began to rise and I knew drowning was inevitable. I wasn't happy, but it wasn't anything I couldn't endure. I didn't evacuate. I was hunkered down with my two boys, my step daughter and my dog. But he opened all the windows and doors to let the flood waters in, and instead of boarding up windows and shutting the doors he had opened I cut a hole in the roof and let us drown.
Sometimes I regret that response.
Relationships are full of ups and downs. Some are just worse than others. My first marriage was like playing poker everyday...most days my hand was pathetic and I needed to throw it in. But there were a few days when I had a winning hand.
It just wasn't enough.
It's all about what we can tolerate. Can we live in a relationship where we are constantly doubting our happiness, our choices, our spouse? Is it what's best for us and our families to stay? Or do we need to fold and throw in our hand because the consequences are too high?
As I told my friend, I would love her regardless of what she decided because I know better than anyone how difficult it is to get away from what is by most accounts a bad relationship.
But she is the only one who can make choices for herself. And it's not my job to judge her. It's simply my job to be there for her regardless.
The best thing my sister ever said to me was to keep a journal of everything during my marriage and divorce so that when I start making the same mistakes, I can read through my journey and remember. How quickly we forget the pain.
It's a blessing, actually. I would so much rather remember the beauty.
No Hard Feelings
Avett Brothers
When my body won't hold me anymore
And it finally lets me free
Will I be ready?
When my feet won't walk another mile
And my lips give their last kiss goodbye
Will my hands be steady?
When I lay down my fears
My hopes and my doubts
The rings on my fingers
And the keys to my house
With no hard feelings
When the sun hangs low in the west
And the light in my chest
Won't be kept held at bay any longer
When the jealousy fades away
And it's ash and dust for cash and lust
And it's just hallelujah
And love in thoughts and love in the words
Love in the songs they sing in the church
And no hard feelings
Lord knows they haven't done
Much good for anyone
Kept me afraid and cold
With so much to have and hold
Mmh
When my body won't hold me anymore
And it finally lets me free
Where will I go?
Will the trade winds take me south
Through Georgia grain or tropical rain
Or snow from the heavens?
Will I join with the ocean blue
Or run into the savior true
And shake hands laughing
And walk through the night
Straight to the light
Holding the love I've known in my life
And no hard feelings
Lord knows they haven't done
Much good for anyone
Kept me afraid and cold
With so much to have and hold
Under the curving sky
I'm finally learning why
It matters for me and you
To say it and mean it too
For life and its loveliness
And all of its ugliness
Good as it's been to me
I have no enemies
I have no enemies
I have no enemies
I have no enemies
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