The old, familiar feeling of rejection was creeping into my psyche and beginning its usual course. It spreads like wildfire. It makes its way to my face, leaving it hot and red. Then trails down to my heart and begins the increased rhythm of my heartbeat. Then to my stomach, causing it to flop with discomfort. And then to my hands, that start to shake.
It's familiar. Routine. Predictable...this response to the emotion tied to rejection.
Before it had the pleasure of bringing tears, however, I was able to intercept it. I sat on the floor with my legs crossed and meditated. I focused on my breath. I breathed deeply enough to settle my shaking hands, my upset stomach, my pounding heart, my red face.
When I stared down my emotion, the logic was able to find space instead in my unsettled body. I became focused instead of panicked. I became confident instead of destroyed.
It was a small battle, but I had won it.
I have been trained to defeat emotions that are sneaky and often unfounded. Rarely do I use the tools I have educated myself on because life seems like a big balloon taking up all the space in my small apartment, and I end up just muddling through. But this time, I had the wherewithal to shut it down.
So much of our lives are about training our brains to respond in healthy ways to unhealthy situations. Instead of getting unnecessarily upset over a small incident, we have the power to accept the disappointment and use it as equipment for the bigger incidents. We get to choose how we respond to every situation. Do we use the tools we have to bring peace and joy to our lives and those around us? Or do we allow ourselves to be defeated in the face of seeming struggles that are doing their best to make us feel unworthy and small?
I surround myself with positive sayings so I can remind my brain, which is often daft.
"You are smart."
"You are honest."
"You are fine alone."
"You deserve better."
"You are worth it."
"You are kind."
All day, it's a decision to ignore the negative and embrace the positive. Instead of looking at loss as something that defines who I am, I can instead choose to look at it as making room for something that suits me better.
Instead of missing my boys and worrying about them intensely, I can be thankful for the fact that their dad has a relationship with them and cultivate things in my own life that will improve theirs.
Instead of crying over insignificant relationships, I can instead choose to focus on what I want instead of who they wanted that I failed to be.
Instead of getting worked up over a mistake in my business, I can instead use it to make me more productive.
I can choose to make my life different. Will I receive life's happenings as positive or negative? It's pretty simple. I have the ability to stop the wildfire from burning out of control.
It should have been different
It could have been easy
But pride has a way of holding too firm to history
And it burns like wildfire
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