Today marks 30 days that I successfully broke a habit. This has been a life changing 30 days.
It started with heart break and ended with more beauty than I could have imagined. I started this journey so I would stop a habit that was keeping me from feeling the hurt I knew was there. And man, did I feel it. Buckets of tears. Anger. Lots and lots of loud Jesus music and long drives.
But somewhere along those 30 days, I moved past the pain and into peace. The peace that has been waiting for me for three, long years. When I talk about my divorce, the main theme of the conversation is acceptance. Acceptance for the stages that I had to go through to bring me here. To the endless string of dates, the abuse of alcohol, the poor eating habits, the questionable friendships, the lackluster parenting, the lack of drive, the lack of beauty, the lack of Jesus...I had to go through it all. Yes, I delayed it more than I wish I had. But I can't guarantee that a lack of delay would have given me the same, beautiful result.
I'm now the girl who considers her children when making decisions. I'm now the girl that chooses her dates carefully. I'm now the girl who thinks about what she puts in her mouth before she does it. I'm now the girl who makes time alone to read and pray and write. I'm now the girl who works out consistently, who works consistently, who takes care of her bills and her responsibilities with joy and fervor.
I have a dear friend who is fresh in the throes of separation and possible divorce. She is suffering tremendously. She is drinking her pain away. She isn't eating. She is having a hard time going to work. My heart hurts for her. But I didn't totally remember what it was like to feel like you have given up on life. My sister had to remind me. (She is my memory keeper...for better or worse.) She reminded me that I was also desperate and lost and had very little ability to function. When she reminded me, the detailed memories started coming back. And all I was able to say to my friend after that was, "it's just going to be painful...for a really long time...."
But you forget the details of your despair. And peace eventually finds you.
In the midst of the worst part of my attempt to recover after divorce, I met a man who told me that I was full of red flags. He said he was looking for someone who was further along in the divorce process.
At the time, it just seemed hurtful and judgmental. Now I completely get it. I'm not anywhere close to the girl I was. That girl did NOT have her s*&t together. That girl did NOT make well informed decisions. That girl was NOT living an intelligent life with self-discipline and drive. That girl was flying by the seat of her pants, with her hair on fire, and her soul a discombobulation of emotions and coping skills. That girl had a lot of growing to do. And he was right to pass me by.
My only serious relationship after my divorced contacted me. This man caused me so much pain. I was fresh out of my divorce and was lost and scared. And I loved him intensely. And have welcomed him back into my life every time he contacted me before. But this time I was able to kindly tell him I was grateful for what he taught me about myself, but I'm not that girl that would fall in love with someone like him anymore. Our time has passed.
I'm now in the shoes of the red flag man...regarding people with caution and logic. I'm the one turning down potential love interests.
All because my friend insisted I do a 30 day challenge to break a habit. (Bless you, Jeana.) I not only broke the hell out of that habit, but I found myself along the way. And she's pretty cool.
Friday, November 30, 2018
Thursday, November 29, 2018
Rebekah the Harsh Slave Master
My dog Sadie was the shyest one in the litter. I always go for the shy ones because they are typically easier to train and not as rambunctious. Being a puppy, however, she has a great deal of energy. Homegirl chases her own tail. She tears up everything she can get her mouth on. She digs in my laundry and puts holes in our clothes. She swings on the kid swing. She is constantly on the go.
However, since she is innately shy and unsure of herself, she is fearful of me...her Alpha Dog. If she hears my voice raise slightly, she cowers in the corner. Or pees.
This behavior drives me absolutely nuts. The cowering I can handle, though that means she is slow to come to me when I call her. But the peeing ... all over the house ... because she's scared of me ... heavy sigh.
I handled this phenomenon poorly. I yelled louder. I put her in her kennel. I put her outside. I punished her.
The behaviors got worse.
So this week after a peeing mess that I was cleaning up, I suddenly got it. Her neurosis was MY FAULT.
I called her to me, and after she peed again, she came to me with her head down.
I hugged her and petted her for a good while and just kept telling her I was sorry. It wasn't her fault...it was mine. We had a really sweet moment. (Though I immediately bathed because homegirl STUNK).
Instead of yelling, I started affirming her. I softened my tone. I petted her often and frequently. I played with her. I got on the floor with her. I even let the stinky homegirl in my bed while I read (only for 20 minutes cuz there's not much I like less than dog hair in my bed but A for effort).
Her transformation was remarkable. I can't say she doesn't ever pee when she's scared, but she pees a lot less and it has not happened inside, only outside. Her little body is still a bit hesitant when I call her to me, but she comes to me instead of cowering in the corner.
Dogs respond better with encouragement and tenderness. People respond better with encouragement and tenderness.
DUH.
It's amazing how our brains can have the knowledge yet it remains untapped because we have not had to use it in that context.
I was reading last night. This heavy book about self discovery. And I said to myself, "OK, my girl, it's time to put this book down. You've read enough to chew on for the night."
I got up and went to brush my teeth and it dawned on me. I had just called myself, "my girl."
The relief and raw joy that flooded over me was marvelous. I had finally learned to love myself. In that split second, the term of endearment, "my girl" came naturally to me. I wasn't thinking about what I was saying. It was already there.
I have heard many times that we are supposed to love ourselves before we can truly love anyone else. I don't believe this is entirely true, because loving yourself is not an easy thing to accomplish for some and that does not translate to a lack of love for others. However, loving yourself opens up a world of unbroached, intellectual emotion. It allows you to love deeper. To forgive quicker. To view people with kindness and empathy instead of judgment and pessimism. It is like the ocean. Yes, there are beautiful things to find on the shore, but if you go into the depth of the water....sheer beauty.
Sadie and I are both on the road to recovery from being beat up by yours truly. Rebekah has been one harsh slave master. She has scolded, yelled, accused, blamed, punished, chastened, lectured, spanked enough for one lifetime. I have put myself in time out for too long.
We have some untapped growth to do that can only come with encouragement and kindness.
These girls are ready to lift their heads in confidence, and rise.
However, since she is innately shy and unsure of herself, she is fearful of me...her Alpha Dog. If she hears my voice raise slightly, she cowers in the corner. Or pees.
This behavior drives me absolutely nuts. The cowering I can handle, though that means she is slow to come to me when I call her. But the peeing ... all over the house ... because she's scared of me ... heavy sigh.
I handled this phenomenon poorly. I yelled louder. I put her in her kennel. I put her outside. I punished her.The behaviors got worse.
So this week after a peeing mess that I was cleaning up, I suddenly got it. Her neurosis was MY FAULT.
I called her to me, and after she peed again, she came to me with her head down.
I hugged her and petted her for a good while and just kept telling her I was sorry. It wasn't her fault...it was mine. We had a really sweet moment. (Though I immediately bathed because homegirl STUNK).
Instead of yelling, I started affirming her. I softened my tone. I petted her often and frequently. I played with her. I got on the floor with her. I even let the stinky homegirl in my bed while I read (only for 20 minutes cuz there's not much I like less than dog hair in my bed but A for effort).
Her transformation was remarkable. I can't say she doesn't ever pee when she's scared, but she pees a lot less and it has not happened inside, only outside. Her little body is still a bit hesitant when I call her to me, but she comes to me instead of cowering in the corner.
Dogs respond better with encouragement and tenderness. People respond better with encouragement and tenderness.
DUH.
It's amazing how our brains can have the knowledge yet it remains untapped because we have not had to use it in that context.
I was reading last night. This heavy book about self discovery. And I said to myself, "OK, my girl, it's time to put this book down. You've read enough to chew on for the night."
I got up and went to brush my teeth and it dawned on me. I had just called myself, "my girl."
The relief and raw joy that flooded over me was marvelous. I had finally learned to love myself. In that split second, the term of endearment, "my girl" came naturally to me. I wasn't thinking about what I was saying. It was already there.
I have heard many times that we are supposed to love ourselves before we can truly love anyone else. I don't believe this is entirely true, because loving yourself is not an easy thing to accomplish for some and that does not translate to a lack of love for others. However, loving yourself opens up a world of unbroached, intellectual emotion. It allows you to love deeper. To forgive quicker. To view people with kindness and empathy instead of judgment and pessimism. It is like the ocean. Yes, there are beautiful things to find on the shore, but if you go into the depth of the water....sheer beauty.
Sadie and I are both on the road to recovery from being beat up by yours truly. Rebekah has been one harsh slave master. She has scolded, yelled, accused, blamed, punished, chastened, lectured, spanked enough for one lifetime. I have put myself in time out for too long.
We have some untapped growth to do that can only come with encouragement and kindness.
These girls are ready to lift their heads in confidence, and rise.
Wednesday, November 28, 2018
Dark Caves and Katy Perry
I was riding in the car with two of my helpers, on our way to the 6th job of the day. I was looking down at my phone reading a text from a client (shameful...texting and driving...insert disgusted face emoji) and missed that the light had just turned green. One car politely honked behind me as I was moving, then a second, and just to balance the set I honked as well. We all burst into laughter.
I wish I could translate accurately the amount of joy we had in that moment. I could not stop laughing. My workers couldn't stop laughing. For just a moment, we had reached a peak place of happy.
It made me remember when Graham was in the PICU and I was lower than I had ever been. I hid in the bathroom to cry when people came to see us. I couldn't stop crying and sometimes I just didn't want others to see. Yet in the midst of that, two of my best girlfriends came to town and forced me to go home to sleep in my own bed. We danced to Graham's now theme song "Roar" by Katy Perry, drank too much wine, laughed until our sides hurt, cried, and all fell asleep in my king sized bed.
In the midst of the darkest moment of my life, I found joy.
If we close in ourselves in our pain and misery, we miss the beauty. We miss that our kids are hugging us tightly. We miss that the candle we just lit smelled up the whole house. We miss that the ice water satisfies our thirst. We miss that we just got enough money to pay a bill on its due date. we miss that cheeseburgers are amazing (I'm on DAY 3 of this KETO CLEANSE NONSENSE and have been eating bone brother and drinking black coffee, hot tea and water ONLY...oh cheeseburger, how much I love thee...let me count the ways....). We miss that our dog is super soft after going to the groomer. We miss that turning the heater on in the morning is delightful to our cold bones. We miss that birds are super amazing in their flight patterns.
We just miss too much when we are immersed in our pain.
Beauty in the midst of pain is one of the ways our pain eventually subsides. It's like letting in sunshine in a dark cave. Eventually the sunshine will entice us enough to walk outside, leaving the dark and musty cave behind.
I can't tell you that the tears don't threaten to fall when I think about my baby in the ICU. I can't tell you that I will ever get over that pain. But I can say firmly that God made something beautiful out of that pain. Whether it's riding in the car with your workers during a long day of cleaning toilets or dancing with your friends, joy will find you. Don't miss it.
Roar by Katy Perry
https://youtu.be/CevxZvSJLk8
I wish I could translate accurately the amount of joy we had in that moment. I could not stop laughing. My workers couldn't stop laughing. For just a moment, we had reached a peak place of happy.
It made me remember when Graham was in the PICU and I was lower than I had ever been. I hid in the bathroom to cry when people came to see us. I couldn't stop crying and sometimes I just didn't want others to see. Yet in the midst of that, two of my best girlfriends came to town and forced me to go home to sleep in my own bed. We danced to Graham's now theme song "Roar" by Katy Perry, drank too much wine, laughed until our sides hurt, cried, and all fell asleep in my king sized bed.
In the midst of the darkest moment of my life, I found joy.
If we close in ourselves in our pain and misery, we miss the beauty. We miss that our kids are hugging us tightly. We miss that the candle we just lit smelled up the whole house. We miss that the ice water satisfies our thirst. We miss that we just got enough money to pay a bill on its due date. we miss that cheeseburgers are amazing (I'm on DAY 3 of this KETO CLEANSE NONSENSE and have been eating bone brother and drinking black coffee, hot tea and water ONLY...oh cheeseburger, how much I love thee...let me count the ways....). We miss that our dog is super soft after going to the groomer. We miss that turning the heater on in the morning is delightful to our cold bones. We miss that birds are super amazing in their flight patterns.
We just miss too much when we are immersed in our pain.
Beauty in the midst of pain is one of the ways our pain eventually subsides. It's like letting in sunshine in a dark cave. Eventually the sunshine will entice us enough to walk outside, leaving the dark and musty cave behind.
I can't tell you that the tears don't threaten to fall when I think about my baby in the ICU. I can't tell you that I will ever get over that pain. But I can say firmly that God made something beautiful out of that pain. Whether it's riding in the car with your workers during a long day of cleaning toilets or dancing with your friends, joy will find you. Don't miss it.
Roar by Katy Perry
https://youtu.be/CevxZvSJLk8
I used to bite my tongue and hold my breath
Scared to rock the boat and make a mess
So I sat quietly, agreed politely
I guess that I forgot I had a choice
I let you push me past the breaking point
I stood for nothing, so I fell for everything
You held me down, but I got up (hey!)
Already brushing off the dust
You hear my voice, your hear that sound
Like thunder, gonna shake the ground
You held me down, but I got up
Get ready 'cause I had enough
I see it all, I see it now
I got the eye of the tiger, a fighter
Dancing through the fire
'Cause I am a champion, and you're gonna hear me roar
Louder, louder than a lion
'Cause I am a champion, and you're gonna hear me roar!
Oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh
Oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh
Oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh
You're gonna hear me roar!
Now I'm floating like a butterfly
Stinging like a bee I earned my stripes
I went from zero, to my own hero
You held me down, but I got up (hey!)
Already brushing off the dust
You hear my voice, your hear that sound
Like thunder, gonna shake the ground
You held me down, but I got up
Get ready 'cause I've had enough
I see it all, I see it now
I got the eye of the tiger, a fighter
Dancing through the fire
'Cause I am a champion, and you're gonna hear me roar
Louder, louder than a lion
'Cause I am a champion, and you're gonna hear me roar!
Oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh
Oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh
Oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh
You're gonna hear me roar!
Oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh
Oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh
Oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh
You're gonna hear me roar!
Roar, roar, roar, roar, roar!
I got the eye of the tiger, a fighter
Dancing through the fire
'Cause I am a champion, and you're gonna hear me roar
Louder, louder than a lion
'Cause I am a champion, and you're gonna hear me roar!
Oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh
Oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh
Oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh
You're gonna hear me roar!
Oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh
Oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh
Oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh
You're gonna hear me roar!
Tuesday, November 27, 2018
Laughter and Family and Stinky House Guests
There was a tremendous amount of laughter. I was surrounded by my favorite people who each laugh loudly and often. My dad is known for his laugh. My mom cries when she laughs (and sometimes her drink comes out in dribbles). My brother emulates my dad's laugh and my sister and I follow suit. My brother and sister in law keep us all laughing and are no stranger to joy themselves. There was a lot of laughing happening over this holiday. I had eaten many huge, amazingly satisfying meals. Followed with pie. Lots and lots of pie. My kids were happier than I've seen them in a while. They mirrored my sentiment.It dawned on me in the midst of the monopoly games and laughter and stream of food that this was the third Thanksgiving I had gone without a significant other. And yet I was truly happy. My boys were truly happy.
Life is interesting like that. There is no set formula for happiness or contentment. It's different for everyone. It comes in waves and settles over you without your knowledge mostly. You're just you...living your life...trying not to die or kill your kids in the process. And then you have an Ah-Ha! moment where you realize you are genuinely happy. "How and when did this occur?" you think to yourself.
The answer is subtly. It's made up of small moments of goodness. It's the result of daily habits that build your spirit. It's the result of small decisions that increase your quality of life. It's a combination of rest, activity, and thought. Lots and lots of thought.
I don't believe that people change overnight. I don't believe in immediate transformation. I believe that their lives were adjusting to the Ah-Ha! moment God knew was on its way. I believe that whether they acknowledged it or not, their brains were working hard to eliminate pessimism and ugliness. They were making small changes that led to a large change ... a moment they wouldn't forget ... a moment they attribute to their great change.
My friend and I were discussing the nuances of my struggle since my divorce. She asked why I made certain decisions and all I could tell her was I was lonely and scared. And felt defeated.
At some point that changed. At some point, I no longer felt defeated...or perhaps I felt less defeated. A little more each day. Gradually. And then my brain went to work to affirm that was true.
Our brains work hard to affirm our core beliefs. Thank goodness for the ability to change a core belief.
My core beliefs are now something like this: I am loved. I am not alone. I am worthy of goodness. I am honest and kind. I am beautiful. I am a hard worker. I can do all things thru Jesus. I am not defeated.
Yes, I still have the occasional ugly thought that likes to settle in my brain. For a time. He tells me I am not worthy of good things. He tells me I am unlovable and worthless. He tells me my life is hard because I am difficult.
But what's amazing about changing your script is you recognize those negative thoughts quickly and have the ability to shove them out the door like an unwanted house guest who has just brought his entire, stinky, un-showered, loud, obnoxious family into your peaceful, immaculate living room.
They are just out of place. And everyone knows it.
I have always been that girl that laughs a lot. I find something to laugh about in most situations. Even when it's inappropriate....like a funeral...sigh. When I'm feeling down, my favorite thing to do is google funny memes and I instantly feel better. I like laughter.
I wonder if that has attributed to my joy now. My guess is MOST DEFINITELY YES.
It may have been sneaky in its delivery. It may have taken more time than I would have liked to bring about significant change, yet here we are, Linda. Sitting in our peaceful, immaculate living room filled with laughter and working hard to keep out the stinky house guests. They need to invest in some Dove and Meyers laundry detergent. And until they have dressed and showered appropriately, they have no place in my living room.
Wednesday, November 14, 2018
Forgiveness & Dog Poop
Ephesians 4:32
Be kind to one another, tenderhearted, forgiving one another, as God in Christ forgave you.
We were late. The boys and I had been up since 5:00 a.m., but we were still rushing out the door for school at 7:15. A suspicious smell hit me, and my temperature rose as I realized what it was. Dog poop. I started looking around for the culprit only to find that there was a trail from the front door to my boys' bathroom. I quickly grabbed my sons and checked their shoes. The guilty one looked at me with angst and expectation...waiting for the crazy person within me to appear.
I did not disappoint him. The crazy person did indeed appear.
After we figured out the source, we were all scrambling to remedy the stink. Clothes and rugs were thrown in the wash, shoes had to be changed. The front porch had to be rinsed. We were a mess of activity.
I heard my crazy self say to them, "I'm a single momma and I need you boys to help me!!!"
Not my finest moment.
Once we were finally in the car, I took a deep breath and looked back at my precious boys. Their faces were stressed and tight. I had caused that.
I would like to say that I never, ever respond like a crazy person. And I certainly never cause my boys stress. I would like to say that I am merry and bright like freakin' Christmas 24/7. I would like to say that I handle stress and being late and poop messes like Mother Teresa.
But I would be lying. And I am many things, but liar is not amongst them.
Unfortunately, the opposite is true at times. I'm wound tight often and do not have the tolerance for anything unexpected or unpleasant. I am in my own world of efficiently functioning at my maximum capability, and find obstacles to be an incredible nuisance to this high gear I'm driving in.
Kids...a.k.a. obstacles.
The beauty of failing miserably is the opportunity I get to ask for forgiveness.
I reached back to hold their hands and said, "I'm so sorry I was such a lunatic. Can you forgive me?"
Their faces softened and quickly said, "yes, momma. It's ok."
Forgiveness changes relationships. Forgiveness softens hearts and opens up vulnerable communication. Forgiveness is the epitome of who Jesus is. Forgiveness IS Jesus.
I've often said that relationships aren't close unless there is a time when forgiveness is necessary. Opening up to someone means exposing yourself...the good, the bad, the ugly. It means letting someone in to see our hearts. It means the need to be truly yourself outweighs the need to hide. Our true selves are not always roses.
In this world of dating in your 40s, forgiveness is sparse. Our hearts have become so damaged after being broken over and over again that we are closed off and intolerant of mistakes and differences. One false move typically means you've lost the interest of the other party and there are 100 women or men behind you eager to have a chance. And one of them will play it right and get the guy/girl while you flounder in your mess of attempts at romance. And swear that you won't screw up again. You'll save that for marriage.
And we wonder why marriages don't last.
The friends and family with whom I have had conflict, thus the need to ask forgiveness, are those most precious to me. Because they trusted my heart. They knew my heart. Our relationship was too precious to them to let an unforgiving spirit divide us. So they forgave me.
If we never have to apologize, we are either daft in our knowledge of ourselves, or we are withholding large parts of our hearts.
Neither one of those is who I want to be, so as long as I have breath I will ask for forgiveness. And pray that I don't damage my boys too badly along the way. And that dog poop will stay outside where it belongs.
Tuesday, November 13, 2018
Sticky with pain
Let me pre0-empt this by saying I drained my keyboard of plexus after myh son decided to pour it directly on it. So the keys are a bit hmessed up. Big sigh.
I woke after a deep night's sleep with this thought: I deserve better.
I'm not one to believe this. I always err on the side of believing I'm a failure. Whenever unpleasant things happen to me, I take responsibility for them. I typically trust others' discernment above my own. I have a long track record of poor decisions, so trusting myself is challenging.
Believing that I deserve good things right after I open my eyes in the morning is a huge improvement.
I've been trained in trauma since Graham's accident. I know how to spot the physical triggers before they lead to decisions. I've done quite a lot of research on how the brain responds to stress. I'm no stranger to knowledge on this subject.
I learned to lean into the pain of almost losing my son. I was diligent in doing the exercises to heal that part of my brain and my heart. I did it so my boys could have a great mother again. I knew I would be less than amazing if I allowed my traumatized brain to control my life. I knew I wouldn't sleep, I knew I would live on high alert jumping at the smallest sound. I knew I would be an incapable participant in their discipline. I knew I would be suffering to keep it together, thus causing them unnecessary pain. So I dug in and was able to heal.
But what I have not leaned into is the pain of rejection. I have avoided leaning into that pain.
I have been listening to a podcast called ''Rise'' by Rachel Hollis. Her words of wisdom on the subject of rejection and fear have been rolling around in my head for weeks. But one of the best things I've learned from her is to lean into pain because that pain is trying to tell you something.
When I completely blew up any chance I had with the false alarm I thought was IT (we'll call him Dan), I could not shake the feelings of humiliation. Even as I type this, my face is getting hot and my heart is starting to beat faster. Throughout the day, I would have these subtle thoughts that reminded me I was rejected, and my body chemistry would completely change. I could be sitting in the carpool line and have a fleeting thought of my miserable failure with Dan, and the hot face would come. I would be making a snack of hummus and veggies for my boys, and the thought of Dan's rejection would flit through my brain....hot face. I would be cleaning a toilet...hot face. Singing in my car...hot face. Showering...hot face (for more reasons than I like a super hot shower).
After many attempts to make it go away, I finally decided to heed the Hollis advice and lean into it. get all sticky with the rejection...allow the humiliation to flood over me from head to toe. so I sat in the pain. I allowed my brain to work through every angle. It was an exercise I had been putting off for years. I worked through every rejection and picked it apart. I analyzed every action, every word, every feeling. I dissected the heck out of it until my entire body was hot with humiliation.
And then I napped.
just kidding. I didn't nap. I packed it up in a mental suitcase and labeled it, "lies." And put it in the corner far away from the truth. Where it belongs.
I'd like to say that my face doesn't get hot anymore, but that would be a stretch. All I can say is rejection and I are now friends. I'm not intimidated by him anymore. I'm not afraid of him anymore. I'm just accepting that he exists and has a part to play in my journey to be who god created me to be. (yes i know god should be capitalized but the keuyboard is not cooperating)_. And who god created me to be should not be stifled by whether a man likes me or not. If I allowed that to take root in my heart, I'm succumbing to being weak and fragile.
And this girl has too much living to do to allow that to happen.
I. DESERVE. BETTER.
I woke after a deep night's sleep with this thought: I deserve better.
Believing that I deserve good things right after I open my eyes in the morning is a huge improvement.
I've been trained in trauma since Graham's accident. I know how to spot the physical triggers before they lead to decisions. I've done quite a lot of research on how the brain responds to stress. I'm no stranger to knowledge on this subject.
I learned to lean into the pain of almost losing my son. I was diligent in doing the exercises to heal that part of my brain and my heart. I did it so my boys could have a great mother again. I knew I would be less than amazing if I allowed my traumatized brain to control my life. I knew I wouldn't sleep, I knew I would live on high alert jumping at the smallest sound. I knew I would be an incapable participant in their discipline. I knew I would be suffering to keep it together, thus causing them unnecessary pain. So I dug in and was able to heal.
But what I have not leaned into is the pain of rejection. I have avoided leaning into that pain.
I have been listening to a podcast called ''Rise'' by Rachel Hollis. Her words of wisdom on the subject of rejection and fear have been rolling around in my head for weeks. But one of the best things I've learned from her is to lean into pain because that pain is trying to tell you something.
When I completely blew up any chance I had with the false alarm I thought was IT (we'll call him Dan), I could not shake the feelings of humiliation. Even as I type this, my face is getting hot and my heart is starting to beat faster. Throughout the day, I would have these subtle thoughts that reminded me I was rejected, and my body chemistry would completely change. I could be sitting in the carpool line and have a fleeting thought of my miserable failure with Dan, and the hot face would come. I would be making a snack of hummus and veggies for my boys, and the thought of Dan's rejection would flit through my brain....hot face. I would be cleaning a toilet...hot face. Singing in my car...hot face. Showering...hot face (for more reasons than I like a super hot shower).
After many attempts to make it go away, I finally decided to heed the Hollis advice and lean into it. get all sticky with the rejection...allow the humiliation to flood over me from head to toe. so I sat in the pain. I allowed my brain to work through every angle. It was an exercise I had been putting off for years. I worked through every rejection and picked it apart. I analyzed every action, every word, every feeling. I dissected the heck out of it until my entire body was hot with humiliation.
And then I napped.
just kidding. I didn't nap. I packed it up in a mental suitcase and labeled it, "lies." And put it in the corner far away from the truth. Where it belongs.
I'd like to say that my face doesn't get hot anymore, but that would be a stretch. All I can say is rejection and I are now friends. I'm not intimidated by him anymore. I'm not afraid of him anymore. I'm just accepting that he exists and has a part to play in my journey to be who god created me to be. (yes i know god should be capitalized but the keuyboard is not cooperating)_. And who god created me to be should not be stifled by whether a man likes me or not. If I allowed that to take root in my heart, I'm succumbing to being weak and fragile.
And this girl has too much living to do to allow that to happen.
I. DESERVE. BETTER.
Monday, November 12, 2018
Greatness... or Mediocrity?
I am in the process of visiting other churches. It halfway breaks my heart to do so because it will be a solid closing of a door on my parents not being here, and saying goodbye to a huge part of my history. First Baptist has been a stable part of my life in New Orleans. I love the people there. I love the history I have. But I feel a pull to explore other places of worship. Or rather, God is pulling me.
My boys and I have been forming our own little unit since my parents moved. We are closer than we have ever been. They rely on me more than they ever have. There is no one to catch me if I fall in the way only parents can catch you.
We drove by their old house the other day, at the insistence of my 5 yr. old. We were all quiet as we passed by...each of us most likely flooded with memories of feeding the chickens, swinging, sitting in front of the fire, playing basketball, frying turkeys, drinking coffee on the patio. Silence and memories hung in the SUV like the damp.
Those memories of sweet fellowship are a part of who we were created to be. God created us to be in close relation with others. He created us with this deep need for fellowship and belonging. He created us in His image...and His greatest desire is to walk closely with us.
With the state of affairs now, there is typically no single person that will walk with you throughout your life. Your close relationships typically shift from person to person. There was a time in my life when my sister was my closest companion because we lived together. Husbands, roommates, boyfriends, parents, siblings ... all took their place in my life as my closest relationship at different times.
My relationship with God, however, was always the underlying current. Whether I acknowledged Him or not, He knew me better than anyone. He should have always been my closest relationship because of His intimate knowledge of me and His incomprehensible love for me. But being the stubborn girl who has to try everything out for herself, I did not stay by His side.
Our bodies are fascinating machines. They can take quite a bit of beating and still function. However, when we function without doing what's best for our bodies, our bodies tell on us. We gain fat instead of muscle, our sleep suffers, we develop disorders and diseases, our skin ages, our muscles ache, our bones creak, our brain chemistry changes. We are still functioning, but not at our maximum ability. We are just getting by. We continue to make poor decisions about our health because we don't know how we are SUPPOSED to feel. We have accepted that we feel like crap most days because we don't know any different.
This is parallel to our need for Jesus. We can still function without Him. We can still find happiness. We can still find wealth. We can still have close relationships. We still laugh and cry and enjoy life. We still find love. But we are missing out on the ultimate experience of being human. We have settled for less than great. We focus on what we THINK will make us happier than we've ever been (like my miserable attempts at romance) but the truth is the opposite. We make decisions based on temporary emotions and fleeting needs. We end up making it more difficult on ourselves to find those things by denying who God is. But like our decisions about our health, we don't know what it feels like to be the best version of ourselves. We just accept that this sub-par life is how we are supposed to feel. These sub-par relationships are good enough.
God is not a set of rules and regulations. He's not a mean puppet master ready to whack us into submission. He is simply the best course we could ever choose to take. He knows it. We just don't. He is our most healthy life. He is our fullest life. He is the epitome of goodness and wholeness. He is our most complete self.
When I am contemplating eating crap instead of good food, I get this flash of how I'm going to feel in a few hours (or minutes). I know I will be dragging. I know I will want to sit and not finish my To Do list. I know I'll likely sleep less and I will be more restless.
Likewise, I know when I make decisions that are less than great I am also doing it with the knowledge that I'm cheating myself of greatness. I send that text or agree to that date. I spend time with that person who brings out terrible traits in me. I watch that disturbing movie or listen to that creepy podcast about a serial killer. I take a nap instead of go for a run. I eat the crap anyways, with the full knowledge that it will not make me feel like the best version of myself. All for the temporary satisfaction to my taste buds or my ego. Or because it mirrors how I'm feeling about myself in that moment.
God is always the better option because He created us. He KNOWS us. He knows exactly what decisions will lead us to be the best version of ourselves and which ones won't. It's not out of spite that He gives us discernment when making decisions. It's love. It's always been love.
As my boys and I set out on this path to find another church home, we go in search of our individual greatness. I want the fullest of lives for them and I'm trusting that we'll find it as long as we stay close to our Author and Creator. Relationships may come and go, but He's not going anywhere. Our relationship with Him translates to our most complete self. Without Him, we are living a life doomed to mediocrity. And they're worth more than that.
My boys and I have been forming our own little unit since my parents moved. We are closer than we have ever been. They rely on me more than they ever have. There is no one to catch me if I fall in the way only parents can catch you.
We drove by their old house the other day, at the insistence of my 5 yr. old. We were all quiet as we passed by...each of us most likely flooded with memories of feeding the chickens, swinging, sitting in front of the fire, playing basketball, frying turkeys, drinking coffee on the patio. Silence and memories hung in the SUV like the damp.
Those memories of sweet fellowship are a part of who we were created to be. God created us to be in close relation with others. He created us with this deep need for fellowship and belonging. He created us in His image...and His greatest desire is to walk closely with us.
With the state of affairs now, there is typically no single person that will walk with you throughout your life. Your close relationships typically shift from person to person. There was a time in my life when my sister was my closest companion because we lived together. Husbands, roommates, boyfriends, parents, siblings ... all took their place in my life as my closest relationship at different times. My relationship with God, however, was always the underlying current. Whether I acknowledged Him or not, He knew me better than anyone. He should have always been my closest relationship because of His intimate knowledge of me and His incomprehensible love for me. But being the stubborn girl who has to try everything out for herself, I did not stay by His side.
Our bodies are fascinating machines. They can take quite a bit of beating and still function. However, when we function without doing what's best for our bodies, our bodies tell on us. We gain fat instead of muscle, our sleep suffers, we develop disorders and diseases, our skin ages, our muscles ache, our bones creak, our brain chemistry changes. We are still functioning, but not at our maximum ability. We are just getting by. We continue to make poor decisions about our health because we don't know how we are SUPPOSED to feel. We have accepted that we feel like crap most days because we don't know any different.
This is parallel to our need for Jesus. We can still function without Him. We can still find happiness. We can still find wealth. We can still have close relationships. We still laugh and cry and enjoy life. We still find love. But we are missing out on the ultimate experience of being human. We have settled for less than great. We focus on what we THINK will make us happier than we've ever been (like my miserable attempts at romance) but the truth is the opposite. We make decisions based on temporary emotions and fleeting needs. We end up making it more difficult on ourselves to find those things by denying who God is. But like our decisions about our health, we don't know what it feels like to be the best version of ourselves. We just accept that this sub-par life is how we are supposed to feel. These sub-par relationships are good enough.
God is not a set of rules and regulations. He's not a mean puppet master ready to whack us into submission. He is simply the best course we could ever choose to take. He knows it. We just don't. He is our most healthy life. He is our fullest life. He is the epitome of goodness and wholeness. He is our most complete self.
When I am contemplating eating crap instead of good food, I get this flash of how I'm going to feel in a few hours (or minutes). I know I will be dragging. I know I will want to sit and not finish my To Do list. I know I'll likely sleep less and I will be more restless.
Likewise, I know when I make decisions that are less than great I am also doing it with the knowledge that I'm cheating myself of greatness. I send that text or agree to that date. I spend time with that person who brings out terrible traits in me. I watch that disturbing movie or listen to that creepy podcast about a serial killer. I take a nap instead of go for a run. I eat the crap anyways, with the full knowledge that it will not make me feel like the best version of myself. All for the temporary satisfaction to my taste buds or my ego. Or because it mirrors how I'm feeling about myself in that moment.
God is always the better option because He created us. He KNOWS us. He knows exactly what decisions will lead us to be the best version of ourselves and which ones won't. It's not out of spite that He gives us discernment when making decisions. It's love. It's always been love.
As my boys and I set out on this path to find another church home, we go in search of our individual greatness. I want the fullest of lives for them and I'm trusting that we'll find it as long as we stay close to our Author and Creator. Relationships may come and go, but He's not going anywhere. Our relationship with Him translates to our most complete self. Without Him, we are living a life doomed to mediocrity. And they're worth more than that.
Sunday, November 11, 2018
Judgment and Heart
My oldest performed at his school fair yesterday. We had to park five blocks away because the fair was so packed. We were running to get there in time, and then once there I realized we had left the tickets in the car. I decided to book it back to the car after leaving Graham with his grandparents and Brady with his class because I had to work a booth right after the performance. I had six minutes.
I made it in time to see the performance, but I had to stand in the back. Brady couldn't find me. His face looked stressed while his little eyes darted around the crowd. He was doing the motions perfectly, but his mind was on where his momma was. The first thing he said after his performance was, "Where were you, momma?"
Being single is a lonely affair most of the time. Activities are planned to avoid this loneliness, but the most important part of these activities is the company, not the activity itself. If I'm not with people I love and who love me, the activity is not as enjoyable. It doesn't matter if I'm on a beautiful island at an all inclusive resort or in my living room. If the company is wrong, the whole activity fails to deliver the desired result. Brady did not care that he was performing for a crowd. He just wanted his momma to see him perform.
I remember the last time I went to a bar I was hopefully looking around for a face who knew me. Though I "know" most people there, I don't really. I don't know what makes them tick. I don't know what they do when they're bored or how they handle conflict. I don't know much. This doesn't decrease their value as humans, it just means that our individual relationship is not one based on knowledge of who they are.
I went on a date recently and the man I was with asked what my biggest pet peeve was in a relationship. I said without hesitation that it was being misunderstood without questioning. I surprised him and myself with how quickly I answered. I had just gotten a taste of this, and decided it was the worst feeling possible. His response was, "Oh, that's a good one. I've never thought about that." Neither had I.
Being misunderstood means that you are unknown. Being misunderstood is a common occurrence in our world full of social media "friends" and followers. Our actions become the main focus, and our intentions are lost. Our hearts are silenced and the actions take center stage. It is the ultimate platform for judging based on appearances. If someone wants to know you, they will ask questions so they can understand where you're coming from. If they don't, no questioning follows the misunderstood action...just judgement.
But if someone knows you, they know your heart in everything you do. They know your reasoning behind your social media posts. They understand why you put yourself out there. They understand your intentions because they know your heart.
Without someone knowing our heart, our actions are misunderstood.
Perhaps that's why dating is so tricky. We are putting ourselves out there with vulnerability and are being judged without being known.
My son was not concerned with the many "fans" in the crowd. He just wanted his momma to see him...the one who knows him.
Regardless of those quick to judge and cast their votes without knowing me, I will continue to put myself out there, pick myself up and move on. (Even if that means short stints of crying in the bathroom.) I have no choice but to press on. I will continue to expose myself to criticism without too much concern because the One who truly knows me gets me. And He has given me an incredible inner circle who know my heart. They are the ones who make my performance meaningful.
https://youtu.be/cVVlMQved8k
I made it in time to see the performance, but I had to stand in the back. Brady couldn't find me. His face looked stressed while his little eyes darted around the crowd. He was doing the motions perfectly, but his mind was on where his momma was. The first thing he said after his performance was, "Where were you, momma?"
Being single is a lonely affair most of the time. Activities are planned to avoid this loneliness, but the most important part of these activities is the company, not the activity itself. If I'm not with people I love and who love me, the activity is not as enjoyable. It doesn't matter if I'm on a beautiful island at an all inclusive resort or in my living room. If the company is wrong, the whole activity fails to deliver the desired result. Brady did not care that he was performing for a crowd. He just wanted his momma to see him perform.
I remember the last time I went to a bar I was hopefully looking around for a face who knew me. Though I "know" most people there, I don't really. I don't know what makes them tick. I don't know what they do when they're bored or how they handle conflict. I don't know much. This doesn't decrease their value as humans, it just means that our individual relationship is not one based on knowledge of who they are.
I went on a date recently and the man I was with asked what my biggest pet peeve was in a relationship. I said without hesitation that it was being misunderstood without questioning. I surprised him and myself with how quickly I answered. I had just gotten a taste of this, and decided it was the worst feeling possible. His response was, "Oh, that's a good one. I've never thought about that." Neither had I.
Being misunderstood means that you are unknown. Being misunderstood is a common occurrence in our world full of social media "friends" and followers. Our actions become the main focus, and our intentions are lost. Our hearts are silenced and the actions take center stage. It is the ultimate platform for judging based on appearances. If someone wants to know you, they will ask questions so they can understand where you're coming from. If they don't, no questioning follows the misunderstood action...just judgement.
But if someone knows you, they know your heart in everything you do. They know your reasoning behind your social media posts. They understand why you put yourself out there. They understand your intentions because they know your heart.
Without someone knowing our heart, our actions are misunderstood.
Perhaps that's why dating is so tricky. We are putting ourselves out there with vulnerability and are being judged without being known.
My son was not concerned with the many "fans" in the crowd. He just wanted his momma to see him...the one who knows him.
Regardless of those quick to judge and cast their votes without knowing me, I will continue to put myself out there, pick myself up and move on. (Even if that means short stints of crying in the bathroom.) I have no choice but to press on. I will continue to expose myself to criticism without too much concern because the One who truly knows me gets me. And He has given me an incredible inner circle who know my heart. They are the ones who make my performance meaningful.
https://youtu.be/cVVlMQved8k
Friday, November 9, 2018
Empty Candy Jar and Lessons in Love
My boys get rewarded for doing random acts of kindness without being prompted. Each time I catch them being kind, they get a piece of candy. (I need to change this to a healthier reward but until the Halloween candy jar is emptied, we will march on.) Their response when they realize they have been kind without thinking about it is priceless.
This practice in rewarding good behavior has been a reward for me also. It refocuses my attention to my core value...and that is being kind in every circumstance. Instead of dwelling on my negative behavior, I dwell on goodness.
This recent humiliation has been challenging for this, however. I find myself saying over and over, "of course you messed this up, Rebekah. You mess everything up." I own the undesired outcome and make it my fault. I place all the blame squarely on my shoulders and try to carry that along with my seemingly very large and heavy piece of the world, all at once. And of course I'm not strong enough to carry that so it sends me down a spiral that's full of all my negative self-talk that I've worked so hard to get rid of.
"You're a mess, Rebekah."
"You will always be alone, Rebekah."
"You will never find a man who can handle you, Rebekah."
"What you need doesn't exist, Rebekah."
"You run everyone off, Rebekah."
"You should be more normal, Rebekah."
"You should behave like other women do, Rebekah. They are together, so why can't you get with it?"
"You need to be less intense, Rebekah."
"If you had played it right, you would have gotten the guy, Rebekah. But of course you screwed that up with your personality."
...and on and on it goes until I feel like I'm going to throw up the little that I ate that day.
When all I should be saying is,
"We are clearly not a good match."
And leave it at that. End of story. Done. No fault prescribed to either party. Just differences in personality that make us incompatible.
But that's not the whole truth. The whole truth is that I behaved disrespectfully by posting pictures and he returned the sentiment with disrespect.
But one action does not make up the whole of a person.
I was lifting weights with my friend and we were talking about the nightmare that is divorce. (I am a bit sorry for all who are within earshot of us.) We were discussing the many failed attempts at dating in my life since my divorce. And I settled on this comment: it is extremely unfair to be judged as a person when in circumstances that are temporary and extreme.
I was temporarily insane...for two years. How I grappled with divorce and suddenly being a single mom was just my reaction to a terrible situation. Many people do not have to walk through that fire, so they are able to hide their particular version of crazy. But it was a necessary part of my journey, and the ones I met along the way were there just to assist me in my growth and calm some of the crazy.
I've met quite an array of personalities during this journey. Each of them gave me pieces of wisdom that have been important.
There was the man that was a liar. He taught me the importance of proceeding with caution and discernment.
There was the man who was untrustworthy and detached. He taught me the importance of having girlfriends that allowed you to cry without ceasing and would love me despite my foolish decision to keep taking him back.
There was the man who was kind and funny. He taught me the importance of enjoying the moment.
There was the man who was lazy and non-committal. He taught me the importance of following through.
There was the man who was settled in his ways. He taught me the importance of stability.
There was the man who was obsessed with his health. He taught me the importance of discipline.
(Side note...my son is sitting beside me on my desk with gas. It's hard to concentrate with the stench.)
There was the man who was quick to assume and judged me harshly based on one action. He taught me the importance of acceptance, forgiveness and individuality.
None of these were failures. All of them were necessary. I met them in order to change my view of the world, of myself, and of God. I met them so I would be able to accumulate goodness despite the heartaches.
(Another side note...my other son just greeted me with a toot. Boys. Firm eye roll.)
The beauty of life is that we get a new start with each new day. We can decide THAT DAY that we will do things differently. We can decide to show strangers kindness. We can choose to praise good behavior. We can choose to change our negative self-talk to encouragement. We can choose to get up and keep going, even if that means leaving a piece of our broken hearts behind temporarily.
Because one day all the pieces will come back together, and we'll be able to live whole heartedly. And by then the candy jar will be empty.
This practice in rewarding good behavior has been a reward for me also. It refocuses my attention to my core value...and that is being kind in every circumstance. Instead of dwelling on my negative behavior, I dwell on goodness.
This recent humiliation has been challenging for this, however. I find myself saying over and over, "of course you messed this up, Rebekah. You mess everything up." I own the undesired outcome and make it my fault. I place all the blame squarely on my shoulders and try to carry that along with my seemingly very large and heavy piece of the world, all at once. And of course I'm not strong enough to carry that so it sends me down a spiral that's full of all my negative self-talk that I've worked so hard to get rid of.
"You're a mess, Rebekah."
"You will always be alone, Rebekah."
"You will never find a man who can handle you, Rebekah."
"What you need doesn't exist, Rebekah."
"You run everyone off, Rebekah."
"You should be more normal, Rebekah."
"You should behave like other women do, Rebekah. They are together, so why can't you get with it?"
"You need to be less intense, Rebekah."
"If you had played it right, you would have gotten the guy, Rebekah. But of course you screwed that up with your personality."
...and on and on it goes until I feel like I'm going to throw up the little that I ate that day.
When all I should be saying is,
"We are clearly not a good match."
And leave it at that. End of story. Done. No fault prescribed to either party. Just differences in personality that make us incompatible.
But that's not the whole truth. The whole truth is that I behaved disrespectfully by posting pictures and he returned the sentiment with disrespect.
But one action does not make up the whole of a person.
I was lifting weights with my friend and we were talking about the nightmare that is divorce. (I am a bit sorry for all who are within earshot of us.) We were discussing the many failed attempts at dating in my life since my divorce. And I settled on this comment: it is extremely unfair to be judged as a person when in circumstances that are temporary and extreme.
I was temporarily insane...for two years. How I grappled with divorce and suddenly being a single mom was just my reaction to a terrible situation. Many people do not have to walk through that fire, so they are able to hide their particular version of crazy. But it was a necessary part of my journey, and the ones I met along the way were there just to assist me in my growth and calm some of the crazy.
I've met quite an array of personalities during this journey. Each of them gave me pieces of wisdom that have been important.
There was the man that was a liar. He taught me the importance of proceeding with caution and discernment.
There was the man who was untrustworthy and detached. He taught me the importance of having girlfriends that allowed you to cry without ceasing and would love me despite my foolish decision to keep taking him back.
There was the man who was kind and funny. He taught me the importance of enjoying the moment.
There was the man who was lazy and non-committal. He taught me the importance of following through.
There was the man who was settled in his ways. He taught me the importance of stability.
There was the man who was obsessed with his health. He taught me the importance of discipline.
(Side note...my son is sitting beside me on my desk with gas. It's hard to concentrate with the stench.)
There was the man who was quick to assume and judged me harshly based on one action. He taught me the importance of acceptance, forgiveness and individuality.
None of these were failures. All of them were necessary. I met them in order to change my view of the world, of myself, and of God. I met them so I would be able to accumulate goodness despite the heartaches.
(Another side note...my other son just greeted me with a toot. Boys. Firm eye roll.)
The beauty of life is that we get a new start with each new day. We can decide THAT DAY that we will do things differently. We can decide to show strangers kindness. We can choose to praise good behavior. We can choose to change our negative self-talk to encouragement. We can choose to get up and keep going, even if that means leaving a piece of our broken hearts behind temporarily.
Because one day all the pieces will come back together, and we'll be able to live whole heartedly. And by then the candy jar will be empty.
Second Wind
Marren Morris
Why do we build up all these idols
Just to watch 'em fall?
You're wearin' the crown, toast of the town
And no one takes your call
Yeah maybe I've been down, down, down, down
But I always come back around, 'round, 'round, 'round, yeah
You can't forget about me
While you weren't lookin' I was gettin' even higher
Say what you want about me
Your words are gasoline on my fire
You can hate me, underestimate me
Do what you do cause what you do don't phase me
Just when you think I'm at the end
Any second I'ma catch my second wind
Na na, na na, na na
An airplane's only paper 'til it finds a breeze
But don't you know that it's the low that makes the high so sweet?
When they try to break, break, break you
That's when you get your break, break, breakthrough, yeah
You can't forget about me
While you weren't lookin' I was gettin' even higher
Say what you want about me
Your words are gasoline on my fire
You can hate me, underestimate me
Do what you do cause what you do don't phase me
Just when you think I'm at the end
Any second I'ma catch my second wind
Na na, na na, na na na na
Na na, na na, na na
Yeah maybe I've been down, down, down, down
But I always come back around, 'round, 'round, 'round
You can't forget about me
While you weren't lookin' I was gettin' even higher
Say what you want about me
Your words are gasoline on my fire
You can hate me, underestimate me
Do what you do cause what you do don't phase me
Just when you think I'm at the end
I'ma catch my second wind
I'ma catch my, , na na
I'ma catch my, (na na) I'ma catch my, (na na)
I'ma catch my, (na na) I'ma catch my second wind
Na na, na na, na na (Ohh)
Na na, na na (yeah) na na
Na na, na na, na na
Wednesday, November 7, 2018
Facebook Killed my Love Life
I was driving to Dallas when I got a Facebook message from a guy I knew a long time ago. I was driving through his town so I popped up as a possible match for him on a dating app. At first I didn't remember much about him, so I asked my parents if they remembered him. The tone in the car immediately changed to excitement. It was affirmative. He was a great catch and would be a great match for me. We spent the next week texting and video chatting. I was beaming. My mom said she had never seen me so happy. He was a successful, handsome man who loved Jesus. Surely this was it. Surely I had just found the love of my life. And surely because of the random way we reconnected, this was no coincidence...surely God was in it.
I deleted numbers from my phone, I removed myself from the dating app, I turned down invitations to go out. I was totally smitten.
I'm not a girl who is quick to commit. I have been asked to stop seeing other people many times before, and my answer was always the same...I'm not ready. The truth was, I just didn't like them enough to commit.
So this complete disinterest in other men was a rare occurrence. I do not get excited easily over men. I have learned to proceed with a bit of caution and a large amount of pessimism. Dating was just a prolonged way of figuring out I didn't like them in the first place. So this meant something to me. It felt different. It was different. I was different.
And then came my birthday. Being the social media person who is considering different aspects of business that I am, I shared my evening with my 1,000+ friends on Facebook, excitedly showing my slice of the world that it was possible to enjoy your 40 something birthday when you're a single mom. My friend AJ kindly took me and my boys out so they could experience bringing their momma to dinner at a nice restaurant. I thought nothing of the pictures so up they went.
My excitement over this new relationship immediately died when I realized I was being ghosted. I received no explanation, no questions asked. He just vanished.
I'm used to this behavior. It's not the first time I have been completely ignored by a potential love interest. But this was not like other romances. He loves Jesus. Surely this is not how men who love Jesus respond to challenges. Surely they have more staying power. Surely they don't say things they don't mean. Surely they are more respectful, kinder, more thoughtful, more understanding, more direct.....more importantly, surely they are more forgiving....
But the silence continued. My family and friends were disappointed. At my request, they prayed for a reconciliation. We were completely ridiculous in our drama. I heard the usual, "at least you found out now how he handles conflict" and "obviously he wasn't the guy we thought he was" and "God has something better for you" and "if he really likes you this won't deter him." But none of that helped. I was devastated. I made a fool of myself by extending multiple apologies. I called. I texted. I messaged. I voice texted. And I got nothing, Jesus.
As my spirits dropped lower and lower, my anxiety went higher and higher. Since I am in this stage of changing how I handle anxiety, the usual coping skills no longer worked. I was having to deal with this raw emotion with bare knuckles and lots of Jesus. And lots. and lots. and LOTS of tears.
I was with my friend yesterday when the realization that I was truly alone hit me. Her son goes to a school 30 minutes from her house, so I volunteered to go pick him up while my boys stayed and played at her house. I needed time alone.
Driving has always been a safe place for me. My cars are home to me...almost more than my actual home. It's when I'm behind the wheel that my thoughts form emotions. There is something about me and the road and the music and the isolation from people while being surrounded by people that triggers my feelings. It's a perfect picture of life...being an individual in a world filled with people. True to form, the tears fell and I cried. As beautiful Carrie Underwood says, there is no such thing as a pretty cry. So homegirl UGLY cried.
I cried about my future. I cried about my past. I cried about my present. I cried about how my stupid actions cause terrible results. I cried about being single and alone. I cried about my boys home-hopping. I cried for them. I cried about the many times my heart has been broken. I cried because I hate Facebook. I cried about my business. I cried about my lack of direction. I cried about my parents living in another state. I cried about my siblings living in another state. I cried because I had let someone in. I cried because I was a fool. I cried because I am a hot mess. I cried because Jesus loves me despite my hot mess. I cried for all the people in the world that can't shed a tear to save their life. You're welcome.
By the time I picked up my friend's son, the tears were all done. Thank goodness. I didn't want to frighten the poor fella. He napped while I recovered. I came back to my friend's house a little spent but a lot lighter. I needed that ugly cry.
Crying is one of our most vulnerable states. We are very careful with who sees us cry, when we cry, how we cry. Dealing with buried emotion is usually not pretty. If we cry in front of an inappropriate someone at an inappropriate time, we are totally humiliated. It's a deeply embarrassing event. But tears don't have any regard for opportune moments. They fall when they are good and ready. They fall so you don't drown. (Thank you to Jeana & Cain, for this analogy.)
Every tear represents an emotion...a longing...an unfulfilled expectation...a disappointment....sometimes joy...and it's sometimes only through tears that we are able to sift through buried emotion. Good or bad, tears bring us to a standoff with our hearts.
I started painting when I was in college. I picked up a brush because my boyfriend at the time was an artist and told me I should paint my poems. (Being the angst-ridden twenty something, I wrote a lot of poetry.) The result was a painting of a crying sky over my favorite verse at the time.
"Watch over your heart with all diligence, for from it flow the springs of life." Proverbs 4:23
I've neglected to do this since my divorce. I've been careless with my heart. I've let unworthy men trample it. I've let unkind words prick it. I've let alcohol numb it. I've let malicious actions stab it. I've given it scraps instead of sustenance. I've forced it to live off of processed food and sugar instead of nutritious, whole foods. It's been beating, but barely.
My 20something self who painted that amateur painting would be sorely disappointed in this 40something woman.
My ugly crying is far from over, but the tentative life that springs from this wounded heart will take another stab at living....tentatively. With or without a seemingly great guy. With or without my family. With or without a successful business. But with a lot less of the Facebook activity that killed my love life.
https://youtu.be/KUUjtUP2CrE
I deleted numbers from my phone, I removed myself from the dating app, I turned down invitations to go out. I was totally smitten.
I'm not a girl who is quick to commit. I have been asked to stop seeing other people many times before, and my answer was always the same...I'm not ready. The truth was, I just didn't like them enough to commit.
So this complete disinterest in other men was a rare occurrence. I do not get excited easily over men. I have learned to proceed with a bit of caution and a large amount of pessimism. Dating was just a prolonged way of figuring out I didn't like them in the first place. So this meant something to me. It felt different. It was different. I was different.
And then came my birthday. Being the social media person who is considering different aspects of business that I am, I shared my evening with my 1,000+ friends on Facebook, excitedly showing my slice of the world that it was possible to enjoy your 40 something birthday when you're a single mom. My friend AJ kindly took me and my boys out so they could experience bringing their momma to dinner at a nice restaurant. I thought nothing of the pictures so up they went.
My excitement over this new relationship immediately died when I realized I was being ghosted. I received no explanation, no questions asked. He just vanished.
I'm used to this behavior. It's not the first time I have been completely ignored by a potential love interest. But this was not like other romances. He loves Jesus. Surely this is not how men who love Jesus respond to challenges. Surely they have more staying power. Surely they don't say things they don't mean. Surely they are more respectful, kinder, more thoughtful, more understanding, more direct.....more importantly, surely they are more forgiving....
But the silence continued. My family and friends were disappointed. At my request, they prayed for a reconciliation. We were completely ridiculous in our drama. I heard the usual, "at least you found out now how he handles conflict" and "obviously he wasn't the guy we thought he was" and "God has something better for you" and "if he really likes you this won't deter him." But none of that helped. I was devastated. I made a fool of myself by extending multiple apologies. I called. I texted. I messaged. I voice texted. And I got nothing, Jesus.
As my spirits dropped lower and lower, my anxiety went higher and higher. Since I am in this stage of changing how I handle anxiety, the usual coping skills no longer worked. I was having to deal with this raw emotion with bare knuckles and lots of Jesus. And lots. and lots. and LOTS of tears.
I was with my friend yesterday when the realization that I was truly alone hit me. Her son goes to a school 30 minutes from her house, so I volunteered to go pick him up while my boys stayed and played at her house. I needed time alone.
Driving has always been a safe place for me. My cars are home to me...almost more than my actual home. It's when I'm behind the wheel that my thoughts form emotions. There is something about me and the road and the music and the isolation from people while being surrounded by people that triggers my feelings. It's a perfect picture of life...being an individual in a world filled with people. True to form, the tears fell and I cried. As beautiful Carrie Underwood says, there is no such thing as a pretty cry. So homegirl UGLY cried.
I cried about my future. I cried about my past. I cried about my present. I cried about how my stupid actions cause terrible results. I cried about being single and alone. I cried about my boys home-hopping. I cried for them. I cried about the many times my heart has been broken. I cried because I hate Facebook. I cried about my business. I cried about my lack of direction. I cried about my parents living in another state. I cried about my siblings living in another state. I cried because I had let someone in. I cried because I was a fool. I cried because I am a hot mess. I cried because Jesus loves me despite my hot mess. I cried for all the people in the world that can't shed a tear to save their life. You're welcome.
By the time I picked up my friend's son, the tears were all done. Thank goodness. I didn't want to frighten the poor fella. He napped while I recovered. I came back to my friend's house a little spent but a lot lighter. I needed that ugly cry.
Crying is one of our most vulnerable states. We are very careful with who sees us cry, when we cry, how we cry. Dealing with buried emotion is usually not pretty. If we cry in front of an inappropriate someone at an inappropriate time, we are totally humiliated. It's a deeply embarrassing event. But tears don't have any regard for opportune moments. They fall when they are good and ready. They fall so you don't drown. (Thank you to Jeana & Cain, for this analogy.)
Every tear represents an emotion...a longing...an unfulfilled expectation...a disappointment....sometimes joy...and it's sometimes only through tears that we are able to sift through buried emotion. Good or bad, tears bring us to a standoff with our hearts.
I started painting when I was in college. I picked up a brush because my boyfriend at the time was an artist and told me I should paint my poems. (Being the angst-ridden twenty something, I wrote a lot of poetry.) The result was a painting of a crying sky over my favorite verse at the time.
"Watch over your heart with all diligence, for from it flow the springs of life." Proverbs 4:23
I've neglected to do this since my divorce. I've been careless with my heart. I've let unworthy men trample it. I've let unkind words prick it. I've let alcohol numb it. I've let malicious actions stab it. I've given it scraps instead of sustenance. I've forced it to live off of processed food and sugar instead of nutritious, whole foods. It's been beating, but barely.
My 20something self who painted that amateur painting would be sorely disappointed in this 40something woman.
My ugly crying is far from over, but the tentative life that springs from this wounded heart will take another stab at living....tentatively. With or without a seemingly great guy. With or without my family. With or without a successful business. But with a lot less of the Facebook activity that killed my love life.
https://youtu.be/KUUjtUP2CrE
Sunday, November 4, 2018
If Cars Could Speak
My chain is getting shorter and my life just a little fuller. I've made a little path in my soul for goodness and the tap may have just been turned on full blast. It's an interesting development. It's as though I was just waiting for something to catapult me ahead. That catapult came in the form of an old friend who has since exited the stage, but the result of our short interaction was me removing my head from my rear. I've been smelling crap for too long.
The amazing thing about God is that He wants only good things for us. And He is happy to bestow them upon us if we are willing recipients. And He keeps attempting to give them to us despite our stupid behaviors and ignorance. He is incredibly persistent. I love this about Him. I tried many different avenues besides His goodness since my husband departed. Sex, drugs, rock and roll were all tested. And not shockingly all failed. I was clamoring for something that would not be reachable until I just gave it up and plopped myself down before His feet. Jesus' feet, that is. (I hope they have been washed. I'm not a fan of stinky feet.)
I was fearful of being the same girl from long ago that believed people were good. I was afraid of being judgmental (side note: I always have to use autocorrect for that word and I'm a great speller usually). I was afraid of speaking in Christian ease...unknown to those who don't know Jesus. Like REALLY know Him. I was afraid of being set apart and placed into the category of Christians because we don't have a great reputation. I was afraid of being the good church goer. So I fought it. Hard. And long. Like my temperament. I have to try everything 100% before I realize it's not for me. And surprise, surprise...my life is complete only when I'm wrapped in Jesus.
This is not a really difficult concept to grasp. We are who we are supposed to be only when we acknowledge our maker in all things. He is the fullness of who we are. He wants good things for us and knows that anything He is not in will not fulfill us. He knows that we won't find goodness in subpar living. He knows that sex, drugs and rock and roll will only dull our senses and slowly suck the life out of us. (I love me some Led Zeppelin so that is possibly the exception.) He knows that we won't have mental clarity without Him. So He steers us towards Himself.
We are typically too ignorant to listen. This girl is tired of being ignorant.
I have been praying without ceasing for a certain outcome in a confusing situation. I'm not sure that will change the reality. But I pray anyways. I trust that God has got it. And my heart will carry on as it should if my prayers aren't answered. Prayer changes me...it brings me closer to the one I love...so pray I will.
I went driving yesterday to listen to my new favorite song over and over. There is nothing more satisfying to my soul than driving with the top open, windows down, loud music playing. It's just me, God, the wind and the open road. There are cars around unfortunately, but they are insignificant to me in this space. Not that I'm driving with disregard to the tons of steel around me, but you get my point. It's in this place that my heart is completely open and vulnerable. It's where God and I have had the most profound discussions. It's where my anger and frustrations manifest. It's the place where I speak my fears and my tears. If my cars could speak, they would know all my secrets and all my desires. They would be able to tell on me. I'm thankful for their silence for if my secrets were out I would have to move to a remote land in a cabin without the internet. OK, maybe Netflix. And it would definitely have a porch swing.
My construction paper chain is the only chain this girl is interested in.
The amazing thing about God is that He wants only good things for us. And He is happy to bestow them upon us if we are willing recipients. And He keeps attempting to give them to us despite our stupid behaviors and ignorance. He is incredibly persistent. I love this about Him. I tried many different avenues besides His goodness since my husband departed. Sex, drugs, rock and roll were all tested. And not shockingly all failed. I was clamoring for something that would not be reachable until I just gave it up and plopped myself down before His feet. Jesus' feet, that is. (I hope they have been washed. I'm not a fan of stinky feet.)
I was fearful of being the same girl from long ago that believed people were good. I was afraid of being judgmental (side note: I always have to use autocorrect for that word and I'm a great speller usually). I was afraid of speaking in Christian ease...unknown to those who don't know Jesus. Like REALLY know Him. I was afraid of being set apart and placed into the category of Christians because we don't have a great reputation. I was afraid of being the good church goer. So I fought it. Hard. And long. Like my temperament. I have to try everything 100% before I realize it's not for me. And surprise, surprise...my life is complete only when I'm wrapped in Jesus.
This is not a really difficult concept to grasp. We are who we are supposed to be only when we acknowledge our maker in all things. He is the fullness of who we are. He wants good things for us and knows that anything He is not in will not fulfill us. He knows that we won't find goodness in subpar living. He knows that sex, drugs and rock and roll will only dull our senses and slowly suck the life out of us. (I love me some Led Zeppelin so that is possibly the exception.) He knows that we won't have mental clarity without Him. So He steers us towards Himself.
We are typically too ignorant to listen. This girl is tired of being ignorant.
I have been praying without ceasing for a certain outcome in a confusing situation. I'm not sure that will change the reality. But I pray anyways. I trust that God has got it. And my heart will carry on as it should if my prayers aren't answered. Prayer changes me...it brings me closer to the one I love...so pray I will.
I went driving yesterday to listen to my new favorite song over and over. There is nothing more satisfying to my soul than driving with the top open, windows down, loud music playing. It's just me, God, the wind and the open road. There are cars around unfortunately, but they are insignificant to me in this space. Not that I'm driving with disregard to the tons of steel around me, but you get my point. It's in this place that my heart is completely open and vulnerable. It's where God and I have had the most profound discussions. It's where my anger and frustrations manifest. It's the place where I speak my fears and my tears. If my cars could speak, they would know all my secrets and all my desires. They would be able to tell on me. I'm thankful for their silence for if my secrets were out I would have to move to a remote land in a cabin without the internet. OK, maybe Netflix. And it would definitely have a porch swing.
My construction paper chain is the only chain this girl is interested in.
You Know Me
You have been and You will be
You have seen and You will see
You know when I rise and when I fall
When I come or go You see it all
You hung the stars and you move the sea
And still You know me
Whoa oh oh oh oh oh oh
oh oh oh You know me [repeat]
Nothing is hidden from Your sight
Wherever I go, You find me
You know every detail of my life
You are God and You don't miss a thing
You memorize me
Friday, November 2, 2018
Jesus, Chains, and Change
It's been a curious exercise with my brain. When I feel myself getting anxious or upset and wanting to do the thing, I have to close my eyes, breathe deeply, and repeat the word, "gratitude" over and over again. It refocuses me enough to put my brain back on track. I have a few seconds of wanting to revert to what my brain knows, but I marinate in the pain for a few minutes and I emerge a bit better. Then I'm able to enjoy the moment. Even despite the possible tears.
I have been taking long rides with my dog in the back, all windows/sunroof open, and music blaring. Mostly overtly Jesus music. And me and Jesus talk. Sometimes I cry. But mostly I just sing and enjoy the moment. I've been through pain. And God was always there. But I only let Him be on the sidelines, occasionally waving to Him, but mostly playing the game without His input. In the past I have had to work 10 Xs harder to change. If I had included the God of the Universe, it would have been a much smoother transition. I wouldn't be fighting His goodness...I'd be living inside it. This time it felt too big to carry on my own. I knew I couldn't really change without Him being an active and living part of everything I do. I just couldn't carry it alone. I have to let myself be held in every aspect of my life so I end up being a cocoon of Jesus. Surrounded completely and totally in His love and truth. Even the tiniest crack would send me back into that place of despair and "stuck-ness."
Practially, this translates to...I can't watch what I used to watch on Netflix. I can't listen to all my music..some is simply off limits because I can feel it sucking the soul out of me. I can't eat the junk or drink alcohol to excess and some of my previous friends have had to go. I just simply can't afford the unnecessary baggage.
This clarity and reflection has given me an incredible amount of time. I rearranged my living room (and woke up this morning totally confused because it was so different...me and Sadie stared confusedly at one another for a few minutes). I've almost mastered a Chopin piece, I've read, I'm researching possible branches of my business, writing, working out more. I'm a freakin' efficient, productive machine.
I have been saying, "I hate my life" in my head lately. And out loud. So God hears and I hear it on my tongue. And we both pause and chuckle a little because we know it's not true. But it feels true in the moment I say it. I used to let that feeling control me ... I used to let it continue in its lie and I would end up feeling unworthy of anything good. I've allowed myself to feel like a failure for so long, my brain is trained to go there. I would look at other people and think that they deserved good things more than I did.
But the truth is, we are all bankrupt and deprived. We don't deserve anything good. The only reason we have good things is because God is good.
My pushy, wonderful friend told me last when I texted her that I felt incredibly sad to make a list of all the good in my life. So.......the interaction I had with Graham's teacher, that my baby is alive to begin with, when my oldest hugs me because I've been crying, when he talks to me at night after we pray, when he sings while hanging his head out the window, when Graham helps me cook, when we all dance in the kitchen, when my boys sing Jesus loves Me, when I pick them up from school, when I drop them off at school and feel the intensity of my love for them, all things about my boys in general, when I do my single mom's devotion, when my family & friends let me talk about the same stupid topic over and over again, when my parents FaceTime me, when my clients text me that I did a great job, when I listen to Nichole Nordeman, when I listen to Marren Morris...(this is a very long list of music that makes me happy), when I take my Plexus and ItWorks supplements, when I use my Mrs. Meyers hand soap and laundry detergent cuz it smells so good, when I talk to a homeless guy on the corner, when I wave at my grumpy neighbor, when I clean a really dirty house knowing I have just made someone's life a little better, when I watch the sun rise and set, when I put on my Game of Thrones robe in the morning, when I water my plants, when I go to bed at night and don't want to turn my ringer off just in case I get a text from someone, when I hear a love song and it makes me cry, when I swing on the ridiculously long swing my dad hung in my backyard, when I shop on Amazon, when I drink a glass of wine with a good friend, when I eat a Vegan lunch with my Vegan friend, when I wake up in an empty house with my dog wagging her tail, when I run on the levy with my dog, when I write in the wee hours of the morning with a candle that smells yum (that is also Mrs. Meyers), when I read funny Memes, when my fingers run over the keys of the piano, when I do floor exercises and squats and pull ups, when I clean my house, when a friend texts to check on me, when I listen to a Podcast while scrubbing away, when I chat with my gamer friends, when I beat my family in Word Chums, when my boys are happy, when I imagine a man I love and who loves me snuggling with me when I go to sleep, when I drive my car that I freakin' love with the windows down singing at the top of my lungs like a lunatic, when I put on my favorite pair of yoga pants, when I pay bills knowing I only have money because He gave me the ability to make money, when I FaceTime my boys while they're at their dad's which alleviates my longing for them a little, when I diffuse oils, when I take hot baths, when I Marco Polo with people who love me, when I pray for my friends and family, when I go to Whole Foods, when I take that first sip of my French pressed coffee, ... the list is endless. He has knit me in behind and before. There is no room for doubt anymore. I won't be able to be the change I want to see in the world without Him.
I was talking to a friend who is going through a really hard time. She feels lost and scared. And all I could say to her was I knew God was good ... other than that, I don't know crap. (Though I said a lot more crap. Firm eye roll for my excessive need to say too much.)
I heard in a podcast recently that if we want to change our life, it will be at the cost of our old one.
Pause for dramatic effect.
So while my chain gets shorter and shorter, my life will get fuller. And I will be a happy girl who has finally found peace as a single mom.
You're a Good, Good Father
I've heard a thousand stories of what they think you're like
But I've heard the tender whispers of love in the dead of night
And you tell me that you're pleased
And that I'm never alone
You're a good good father
It's who you are, it's who you are, it's who you are
And I'm loved by you
It's who I am, it's who I am, it's who I am
I've seen many searching for answers far and wide
But I know we're all searching
For answers only you provide
'Cause you know just what we need
Before we say a word
You're a good good father
It's who you are, it's who you are, it's who you are
And I'm loved by you
It's who I am, it's who I am, it's who I am
Because you are perfect in all of your ways
You are perfect in all of your ways
You are perfect in all of your ways to us
You are perfect in all of your ways
You are perfect in all of your ways
You are perfect in all of your ways to us
Oh, it's love so undeniable
I, I can hardly speak
Peace so unexplainable
I, I can hardly think
As you call me deeper still
As you call me deeper still
As you call me deeper still
Into love, love, love
You're a good good father
It's who you are, it's who you are, it's who you are
And I'm loved by you
It's who I am, it's who I am, it's who I am
You're a good good father
It's who you are, it's who you are, it's who you are
And I'm loved by you
It's who I am, it's who I am, it's who I am
You're a good good father
It's who you are, it's who you are, it's who you are
And I'm loved by you
It's who I am, it's who I am, it's who I am
You're a good good father
You are perfect in all of your ways
It's who you are, it's who you are, it's who you are
And I'm loved by you
You are perfect in all of your ways
It's who I am, it's who I am, it's who I am
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